Grow Up

And perhaps you'll grow up to be nothing more than the validation that I could really fail at something
but I want to maybe grow up to be more than the situations and people that left me behind, and I could be
you probably told me that

I Awoke With This In My Head

Stuck in my mind, every word I did not trace with my fingers, stuck in your mind, what I did not write

     "So tomorrow if you meet me

     In my tangle of apology

     Rest assured, I used to be someone."

But Don't Give Up

   "leave, 
    but don't give up."

Being Happy In Dreams

Is Worse Than Being Sad In Them. 


 I laughed and laughed and said this is my real laugh, and I am finally happy again and it's all been fraud but this is real. I felt laughter, joy, and most of all acceptance, I said I knew I would find you again.

The Bedroom Is A Morgue

“Love is a broken vase, whose shape everyone remembers differently.”

This Ones Still

“I spend my days making paper airplanes by myself
my heart tracing ghosts
on the inside of my skull
everything I own reminds me of something else
I need a new skin
this ones still uncomfortable”

Come Clean On Me

must be nice
must be easy
never to be bothered
to wash your dirty hands clean
in the always forgiving water
no, i won't ever make a sound
but always, always carry this around


the most unspoken agreement
choosing to purge or not purge
both wholly free of judgement
must be easy, must be nice

Islands

" This palm reading is for your right hand, your major hand. Your left hand tells the potential you were born with, and your right hand tells what you have done with it. This reading will tell you about your actual self and what you have done with your potential. You have an Earth hand. This is known as the practical hand. This indicates your orderly nature. You are a determined and persevering person, although not necessarily stubborn. You are reliable, trustworthy and decent. You seek security and order, in your relationships and your endeavors. You have a fairly adaptable personality. You could thrive in a number of different life paths. You daydream of adventure and novelty, although you may not make the effort to make it happen. It is quite possible and likely that you had or will have difficulty choosing a specific direction in life. You relish luxury, enjoying the finer things life has to offer. You are highly sensual and social. You must be careful as you may be prone to addiction and overindulgence. You relish luxury, enjoying the finer things life has to offer. You are highly sensual and social. You must be careful as you may be prone to addiction and overindulgence. You are in relatively good health and generally live your life joyfully and in high spirits. You can be unpredictable.  Most of the time, you are methodically minded, but occasionally you will make decisions based solely upon emotion and passion. You are a rather high strung individual. You are prone to stressing out and worrying too much. You need to be careful not to needlessly over-complicate situations. You are strong willed without necessarily being stubborn. You are a well adjusted individual, balanced in your thinking between logic and emotion. You have a flexible nature. You are pleasantly capable of compromise. However, you need to be careful that you don't allow people to take advantage of your willingness to bend over backward to please others. You are a well rounded and sound thinker, possessing a healthy symmetry between emotion and reason, typically thinking before making a decision. You are typically cautious and thoughtful, rather than impulsive in your actions. You think through the consequences before making a move. It would benefit you to occasionally go with your gut instinct instead and step a bit out of your comfort zone. You are a social being. You enjoy being surrounded by others, and you yearn to be the center of attention. You tend to act more on emotion rather than logic. You have experienced major changes in your lifestyle, health or well being. These could be a change of business, relocation, a new business or career, or a marriage. You possess a strong vitality. You are a vibrant, energetic person. You will live a full, eventful life. You have a high likelihood of success and wealth. You have a fairly reserved nature and a general lack of self-reliance.  Most likely, there was a strong family influence in your childhood. You may have to deal with a fear of commitment. You actively seek travel, adventure and new experiences. You have a decision to make. You may be pondering a relocation, a new career or a new relationship. The lines across your Life Line are your lines of influence. They show the people and the experiences that have influenced your life. These include good and bad experiences. You have strong mental energy. You have a strong intellect. You are an intense and rational thinker. You are a clever person with a well organized thought process. You have a very positive outlook on life. You are a very logical thinker and a curious person. You are aware of your surroundings and are quite perceptive. You grasp concepts well. You are a highly detail oriented person. You need to be aware of your tendency to go off on tangents, losing your original train of thought. You are imaginative. You excel in artistic and creative endeavors. You are a dreamer and a visionary. You have a strong imagination. At the extreme, you may have issues with escaping from or withdrawing from reality. Your mental development had a healthy start in childhood. You most likely had a strong family attachment and influence in your early years. You have had times of mental confusion and uncertainty in your mental energy. The Islands in your Head Line show divisions in your mental energy. These could be physical or mental. You have strong emotional energy. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You seek romance and grand gestures in your relationships. You are emotionally mature. You prefer relationships to the single life. Romance doesn't necessarily come naturally to you, but you put forth the effort in relationships. You need to work to keep your relationships fresh. You need to be careful to pay attention to your emotions and not keep them bottled up inside. Women with an upward curving Heart Line have a tendency toward high femininity, while men with this quality tend toward high masculinity, even machismo. You have had a normal, healthy emotional development from a young age. You are a well balanced individual in your relationships, capable of accepting love and expressing and demonstrating your emotions. The islands on your Heart Line are a mark of emotional insecurities. You need to learn more about yourself to build your self confidence."

So It Seems

I have observed everyone I know move on

from their things

and I will move and move 

but never on

Ties

i want to be sure you're not the one
but it is difficult to decider
when i felt the spines of all the books on your shelf
when there were heavy blankets over all the windows
when i looked at myself in your mirror
and did not see anything, but everything i want to say
it is hard to tell, when you dropped things
like pants and ties

Reality Check-In

      "I saw you in bed last winter, you haven't changed." 

Third Person Perspective

  
 It was a dark night but I was burning alive under your magnifying glass, running around with my head cut off, conversing with everyone else around me, knowing you were listening the most intently. I sat next to you on a bench, staring for any reaction. You said you didn't know me any more, and everything I said made you feel very badly, I apologized, because someone had to. 
   I woke up, coming to terms with not just that dream, but every third person memory and how I ceased to observe and judge myself with my own eyes, and with that, could not even see through them at all. I stood perfectly still, (omnipresent, in my own head) studying and scrutinizing my words, actions and movements around the room, like someone used to. Might as well have been a dream. 

Counter

I spoke

we have developed and evolved

into two very polarized directions

and to whatever terrible things I was feeling and thinking

your excitement over the matter very much opposed

I recoil, you revel 

and I very much recoil at you reveling 

Stooped

but would this all be different if you could understand?
I think about seeing you face to face
and it makes all the wormy caterpillars in my stomach
turn into countless butterflies
when I think about how
I did not grow into something beautiful in my time
and there were stones in beds
and pictures around the frames of mirrors
I loved seeing your reflection
while always hating my own
hanging there
whether I still am, I am here
and if I could do it all over again
I would hand you back your insides
that I scraped and scooped out
held
in unsteady hands
still
just like a lantern
on a front porch
that I never stood a chance on

Sighed

he sighed, I felt it and agreed. he finds me pacifying, mockingly. he said oh yeah? why? what am I sighing about? 
it all, everything. he was surprised, you're right, he said.

Better Than Me

“I’ve been lonely for a long time now, hoping anyone who I perceive as better than me will scoop me up on a night kite rescue mission and love me so hard that I can finally forget about this feeling left over from all the years.. It doesn’t work like that. If anyone ever loves you that hard, hard as you’ve been dreaming, chances are you will not believe them

until you accept yourself.”

Missed The Boat

missing busses
and friends 
and missing necks 
or something
I've lost it trying to find myself

I Don't Actually See

"And I see things I actually don't see. I knew it wasn't actually you a few feet from my reach.I looked into your eyes and I began to lose my teeth,
And I felt you were dreaming the same thing."

How Can I

  "Get the strength I need to pull this one around?"

I See

I think that I am bothered and disappointed by things that lack and are of poor quality extensively more than all others.

Garble

Distance like all other things is only slightly more than a feeling conceptualized in your head. Another person could be anywhere, I feel I am nowhere, and I feel he is all over the place. We could very much be down the street, but he is airplanes and waters away and it's in my head, but also not. Reality is often only slightly less than some silly confirmation of one's thoughts. I think a person is 'far', and whatever it is that exactly means to me, but he could be anywhere, and is. The farther a person of significance is from the other the harder it is, which to me is only proof that it is a notion in a head, and heart, which I see are slightly more than congruous. You speak with someone on the phone and your mind vaguely endeavours to grasp the physical distance, and you think why is this so obscure and difficult? I think it is because it is no more than attempting to materialize a thought that is no more than that, it's not simple ever, to make a feeling anything more, or anything less. It just is, and so is distance, just is, and just is a feeling.

Something Was Right

my eyes dump buckets of irrelevant water
and i am overcome with a tiredness unfamiliar
i picture your face really very close
and my lips pursed as hard as a person could
and hard kissed
mostly


my eyes dry
and i am happy because i was

Pretty Thick

“If you imagine someone who is brave enough to withdraw all his projections, then you get an individual who is conscious of a pretty thick shadow. Such a man has saddled himself with new problems and conflicts. He has become a serious problem to himself, as he is now unable to say that they do this or that, they are wrong, and they must be fought against. He lives in the “House of the Gathering.” Such a man knows that whatever is wrong in the world is in himself, and if he only learns to deal with his own shadow he has done something real for the world. He has succeeded in shouldering at least an infinitesimal part of the gigantic, unsolved social problems of our day.”

I Don't Remember How To Send You Something

"i think i was working on this for like a minute but it was everything: This is what separation feels like. you loose grip on your jaw as if you're gonna engulf your tongue and this is what you feel when you see those roaming all choked up. the words melt off the page, or escape fingertips to keyboard. piano keys composing this symphony I hear in the background a slow rumble of cars and my stomach bulges whilst my arms feel weak though intent. intent on writing typing moving seeing spying needing sleeping being. And I realize then, what would happen if I just melt into it, and feel the metallic taste on teeth and keep in control my lungs. and grab these words off paper (screen) to keep them escaping. The visual is this, an entire skeleton curled around itself where you feel chin to heart to lungs to tailbone to toes to knuckles to throat to forehead. And there is a pattern in these letters, in these blurred eyes and the feeling behind head of being supported though lost in the turning of the world. I would never leave this"

I Can't Walk A Straight Line

""
"They say the womb is where we learn love, is knowing the cord that feeds you could at any moment wrap around your neck."

Willing To Find Ways To Be Happy

"It kind of goes from him realizing at the end of Bitter Fruit that escaping isn't the best option, that you do need to confront what it is about what you lost that made you suffer so deeply from losing it, and then it becomes this kind of like personal examination, kind of in the same way A Letter is, but he confronts himself on a different level, where he says, you know, I've spent all these years, or whatever, trying to first, feeling sorry for myself, and then second, searching for the wrong ways to fix it, and then there's kind of this realization, like what do you I have to fix anyway?"

This Chosen Darkness And Self Pity

"I think it is more that he, because of this loss, he's focused more intently on the tragedy and the sadness, and these awful things that happen to people, and he's unable to escape that, or he's more accurately unable to justify it, I think, and that's what makes, the feeling of abandonment, I guess, that's the feeling like there's no point in continuing, or putting forth the effort, because he has been scarred by this instance and thusly focuses almost exclusively on the bad things that happen. He can't bring himself to be a normal person or lead a normal life because it doesn't seem right I guess."

Can't Even Give It Back

""

Mostly Crawling

sheep cloaked in wolf's clothing
the quiet observers, with hands
i itch for it/lucky enough to
crawl under your skin
weasel around for a little while
until you just wanna go back
get it out
and i'm left
a little befuddled

Can Only Imagine How All Of This

"I watch the watchers, I’m that far behind.
With so much time and effort growing up,
You’d think I’d take the time to grow a spine.
You would think I would’ve at least fucking tried.

I can only imagine how all of this must sound:
Mumbled and jumbled words stumbling
Tumbling from my awkward, clumsy, and bumbling mouth.
Thoughts forcing themselves out in words, composing incomplete sentences.
There is no sense to it.
They’re likely better left unheard.

Some make a science out of keeping their heads down 
But I’ve one-up on them, because mine’s buried underground.
With so much thought put into what’s been said,
Its likely best if I don’t make a sound.
I’m better off fading right into the background.
It’s not about self-doubt or deprecation,
It’s more about knowing my limitations
And learning how to crawl between all my destinations,
And learning to be patient about my frustrations."

I Think About It Sometimes And When I Do

One year.

I remember that sanctuary, I didn't think it would be like that, you don't anticipate events that you cannot wrap your mind around even subsequent to their occurrence. I still catch a subtle wind of that smell and the feeling it instills in my heart is so vague, familiar, and summery. The grass was mostly green, but we never did care for that lawn much, I love all things unspoken, like designated parking spots, and kinship. Most things I was bothered by back then made me smile just as much, because I liked them, rambunctiousness, and scratchy shower radios. I remember driving up that quiet street, and sometimes I prayed with all my heart that not a soul was home, and sometimes I was ecstatic with whom was visiting. I remember all the private and long talks on my bedroom carpet, sometimes the lights were on, but sometimes not, but we were usually on the floor and he usually was saying things that he did not have to state not to ever mention again. I remember that bed, a little too much time was spent occupying it, but often with friends, and pushing him or her against the wall so I could move the tiniest bit. The one night that I woke up, and drove home, and she said she would be waiting for me and I didn't know if you meant that or not, or knew that I needed it, but I did, and you did. Or when she took me in her car, and we drove around parking different places, just not to be at that house. Barbecues, dance parties, movie nights, pull out couches, blanket beds, bathroom beds, spilled drinks, graveyards, kissing, smoke breaks, nature walks. I remember people going home for dinners, or family time, or parents visiting, or siblings visiting, my brother coming by, and people liking that, me liking that. Him breaking up that party, her lying in the bathtub, the windows being open, the couches being broken, the tv making that noise until we are all hitting it as hard as we can. Him kissing me in the kitchen as they all watched, staying up late, working in the morning, working in the afternoon, no one working, him coming home for long breaks, her walking up the spiral staircase, me sleeping in the living room, us all sleeping downstairs, not sleeping, sleeping with him, him sleeping naked. Going out to movies late, making everyone burritos, holiday celebrations, christmas baskets, individualized shot glasses, music video playlists. Refrigerator pictures, drawings, whiteboard, his beer and drinking, jean jackets, and street fairs and night walks. Secrets, couples, listening, understanding, talking, keeping no secrets, that white table outside, the wood table inside, the furniture and furnishing, not using the heat. Parties at other people's houses, fireworks, her get togethers, concerts, doing things as a group, splitting in different groups, pictures. Laughing until we cry, crying, hugging, holding hands, sharing, worrying about other friends, the fair, not working about other friends, telling stories, getting jealous, losing things, getting mad at couples, trying to get couples together, trying to break couples apart, old relationships, new relationships, not telling people about them, telling people about them. Photo shoots, dressing up, not showering, showering, band practice, the bunny. Knowing where everyone always was. Hair, everywhere, seeing each other out, calling each other roommates, walking in on each other, matching underwear, going to Hot Dog Heaven, cat things. Singing in the car, singing in the house, singing in the graveyard, trusting each other. "Love is gay, pride ugly". The day she came in, the week she stayed, the night she asked questions at the kitchen table. Eating fake meat, popcorn bags, Nicki Minaj, Blockbuster, sweet potatoes, RC cola, girlfriends, shoes, new girlfriends, old girlfriends, old friends visiting. Singing circles, guitars, Third Eye Blind, writing songs, writing, leaving notes, getting notes, inside jokes, changing people's names, making fun of everyone. Being dramatic, not knowing where people were. Electronic cigarettes, the Charlie Brown christmas tree. Him burping, his first date with her, telling each other all things, always. The washer and dryer would make the whole house wet and steamy, fogging up the windows until the moisture dripped. tumblr, haircuts, baking things, pineapple, not getting sick of each other, worried everyone was sick of each other. People hooking up at the house, my brother and I sharing a room, that chair, when they fought, the American flag. Taking out the trash, not taking out the trash, him straightening his hair, me straightening my hair, him straightening my hair. The tape production company. The Brita, peach pineapple salsa, when he sledded down the stairs, soy milks. Peering through my blinds, other people peering through my blinds, finding my key, songs about Mean Girls. Hightide Hotel's Porch Luck. The big Inception banner on the ceiling, the bags of recycling lining the wall, them guilty-cleaning the entire house. Car rides, the concert in the garage, people I hated coming over. Getting made fun of, I'm Still Here, quoting I'm Still Here. What she told me. Osamadoblobben, skyping, surprises, ghosts and being haunted, text messaging people at the house, calling people who weren't at the house, pretending to be asleep, people knowing I was pretending. The one-eyed cat. The neighbors, movie posters, skate ramps in the backyard, the side yard. The day we burned everything in the garage in the BBQ. Recording him playing, and when he wrote a song about me. Her sleeping in my bed every night, laughing at her. Cock sauce, missing each other. Twitter, tweeting, calling it twat and twatting. Him dancing, his shoes. Going to school. People sneaking in, people sneaking out, people calling it the house, and home. Wagon Wheel. Her toothbrush, everyone's toothbrushes being there. Fans, parks, bottles on the window seal, the front door being broken, and loud, the spider and its web on the front deck, Sally Sigarette. Chinese food boxes, when she wrote my name on my box, when he got that movie beam light, when we all got ice cream. The dark wood walls, Febreze, when he would light incents everywhere, bobby pins, jewelry, losing keys, cigarette boxes, being cold. Sam Kruegel. Working midnight showings, it snowing, when the three of us had a day off together, getting greeted loudly when entering the door each time. Loving each other. Going to the river together, going places alone. Being happy, being sad, going out to dinners, going for pizza, pizza, thrift store items, moving in, people moving in, leaving, birthdays, them visiting, her taking pictures, boardgames, blankets, portable stereo. Impersonating Chris Swartzendruber. Harry Potter, Glee, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Silent Hill, when we watched The Fountain. Her songs, their songs, people being home when I got home. The night we all had hot chocolate. Finding my keys. Everyone being really drunk, him smoking, the cops. Going to Safeway, reciting dreams, her talking on the phone in my room, saying goodbyes. Nights at the house alone, nights with just the boys, nights with just one of the boys. The night he came over, running naked in the hallway. Wanting and deciding to move on, never wanting to move on, making plans for the future, people making other plans, not making any plans for the future, not talking about the future. Being in the future, wishing to go back, remembering, making a family.

Resenting Judgements

It's not that these drab and surface conversations are what kill me, but rather the thoughts that they bring about, enhancing the spectacular specialness of every interaction so the contrary.

Rest

You taught me quiet.
You taught me pride.
You taught me contentment.
You taught me secrets.
You taught me faith.
You taught me honesty.
You taught me embarrassment.
You taught me inspiration.
You taught me desperation.
You taught me vulnerability.
You taught me compassion.
You taught me self loathing.
You taught me hope.
You taught me trust.
You taught me rest.
And all of the rest.




And I would walk as long and far as these tired legs would hold,
may it be the doorstep of your home, need it be my death

Our

                      "We all have 'our shame'."

""

No Matter How Absurd

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."


“[Man] is blind to the fact that, with all his rationality and efficiency, he is possessed by “powers” that are beyond his control. His gods and demons have not disappeared at all; they have merely got new names. They keep him on the run with restlessness, vague apprehensions, psychological complications, an insatiable need for pills, alcohol, tobacco, food – and, above all, a large array of neuroses.”


“As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.”

Alone At Last

"And your dead end friends
Make your stomach shake
And your hissing head
Barrels down that blackened lane
Alone at last to figure how you got this way"

Mysteries

I didn't exactly wish to sleep with him, I definitely did not long to date him, every time I looked at him I wanted so badly to tell him that he deserves better than the situations he settles with. It's difficult not to project yourself onto any living thing.

Passion

  Thank you for calling me passionate, for I had forgotten. So quick to lose my way without others.

I'd Say

People who sleep don't know it, couldn't know it, 

it's a deep tragedy to me, or maybe I was just tired. You scrape rock bottom that late, you go in and go deep, you would do absolutely anything to slip off, but instead just crawl, beaten and worn on the cold insides, of every thought and memory you had been holding back.

The very last thing that I need to do is write a song singing your praises, but I haven't been comfortable since, I cared only for your affirmations, because you said I was whole. I didn't exactly see how you did, me, but I still haven't figured out whether I am mourning more my inability to save you from the world, what you let the world do to me, what you and I both let yourself do to you, or what I let you do to me. It's all very sad, and the worst of it is that I probably would not want it back now even if I could. So we continue to hide our shame from each other, and anyone else we possibly can. I still wish to ask you what feelings you would be feeling if you had them. I still want to ask you what and if you remember, me looking up at you, disclosing such honest feelings, I was always accepted back them. I still think what to tell you, or what I wouldn't been telling you now, I imagine what you would admire, and what you would look so down upon. I pretend to hear what you used to say, but I can't hear any of it any more.

"Voices, I'd say
voices is what I'd say I miss most,
it's what you forget first.
Then the faces,
blurry, less clear,
you've got photos,
no one ages.
Even the memories fade out,
we change them,
make them nicer.
But the voices
once you've lost them,
they're gone forever."