I Think About It Sometimes And When I Do

One year.

I remember that sanctuary, I didn't think it would be like that, you don't anticipate events that you cannot wrap your mind around even subsequent to their occurrence. I still catch a subtle wind of that smell and the feeling it instills in my heart is so vague, familiar, and summery. The grass was mostly green, but we never did care for that lawn much, I love all things unspoken, like designated parking spots, and kinship. Most things I was bothered by back then made me smile just as much, because I liked them, rambunctiousness, and scratchy shower radios. I remember driving up that quiet street, and sometimes I prayed with all my heart that not a soul was home, and sometimes I was ecstatic with whom was visiting. I remember all the private and long talks on my bedroom carpet, sometimes the lights were on, but sometimes not, but we were usually on the floor and he usually was saying things that he did not have to state not to ever mention again. I remember that bed, a little too much time was spent occupying it, but often with friends, and pushing him or her against the wall so I could move the tiniest bit. The one night that I woke up, and drove home, and she said she would be waiting for me and I didn't know if you meant that or not, or knew that I needed it, but I did, and you did. Or when she took me in her car, and we drove around parking different places, just not to be at that house. Barbecues, dance parties, movie nights, pull out couches, blanket beds, bathroom beds, spilled drinks, graveyards, kissing, smoke breaks, nature walks. I remember people going home for dinners, or family time, or parents visiting, or siblings visiting, my brother coming by, and people liking that, me liking that. Him breaking up that party, her lying in the bathtub, the windows being open, the couches being broken, the tv making that noise until we are all hitting it as hard as we can. Him kissing me in the kitchen as they all watched, staying up late, working in the morning, working in the afternoon, no one working, him coming home for long breaks, her walking up the spiral staircase, me sleeping in the living room, us all sleeping downstairs, not sleeping, sleeping with him, him sleeping naked. Going out to movies late, making everyone burritos, holiday celebrations, christmas baskets, individualized shot glasses, music video playlists. Refrigerator pictures, drawings, whiteboard, his beer and drinking, jean jackets, and street fairs and night walks. Secrets, couples, listening, understanding, talking, keeping no secrets, that white table outside, the wood table inside, the furniture and furnishing, not using the heat. Parties at other people's houses, fireworks, her get togethers, concerts, doing things as a group, splitting in different groups, pictures. Laughing until we cry, crying, hugging, holding hands, sharing, worrying about other friends, the fair, not working about other friends, telling stories, getting jealous, losing things, getting mad at couples, trying to get couples together, trying to break couples apart, old relationships, new relationships, not telling people about them, telling people about them. Photo shoots, dressing up, not showering, showering, band practice, the bunny. Knowing where everyone always was. Hair, everywhere, seeing each other out, calling each other roommates, walking in on each other, matching underwear, going to Hot Dog Heaven, cat things. Singing in the car, singing in the house, singing in the graveyard, trusting each other. "Love is gay, pride ugly". The day she came in, the week she stayed, the night she asked questions at the kitchen table. Eating fake meat, popcorn bags, Nicki Minaj, Blockbuster, sweet potatoes, RC cola, girlfriends, shoes, new girlfriends, old girlfriends, old friends visiting. Singing circles, guitars, Third Eye Blind, writing songs, writing, leaving notes, getting notes, inside jokes, changing people's names, making fun of everyone. Being dramatic, not knowing where people were. Electronic cigarettes, the Charlie Brown christmas tree. Him burping, his first date with her, telling each other all things, always. The washer and dryer would make the whole house wet and steamy, fogging up the windows until the moisture dripped. tumblr, haircuts, baking things, pineapple, not getting sick of each other, worried everyone was sick of each other. People hooking up at the house, my brother and I sharing a room, that chair, when they fought, the American flag. Taking out the trash, not taking out the trash, him straightening his hair, me straightening my hair, him straightening my hair. The tape production company. The Brita, peach pineapple salsa, when he sledded down the stairs, soy milks. Peering through my blinds, other people peering through my blinds, finding my key, songs about Mean Girls. Hightide Hotel's Porch Luck. The big Inception banner on the ceiling, the bags of recycling lining the wall, them guilty-cleaning the entire house. Car rides, the concert in the garage, people I hated coming over. Getting made fun of, I'm Still Here, quoting I'm Still Here. What she told me. Osamadoblobben, skyping, surprises, ghosts and being haunted, text messaging people at the house, calling people who weren't at the house, pretending to be asleep, people knowing I was pretending. The one-eyed cat. The neighbors, movie posters, skate ramps in the backyard, the side yard. The day we burned everything in the garage in the BBQ. Recording him playing, and when he wrote a song about me. Her sleeping in my bed every night, laughing at her. Cock sauce, missing each other. Twitter, tweeting, calling it twat and twatting. Him dancing, his shoes. Going to school. People sneaking in, people sneaking out, people calling it the house, and home. Wagon Wheel. Her toothbrush, everyone's toothbrushes being there. Fans, parks, bottles on the window seal, the front door being broken, and loud, the spider and its web on the front deck, Sally Sigarette. Chinese food boxes, when she wrote my name on my box, when he got that movie beam light, when we all got ice cream. The dark wood walls, Febreze, when he would light incents everywhere, bobby pins, jewelry, losing keys, cigarette boxes, being cold. Sam Kruegel. Working midnight showings, it snowing, when the three of us had a day off together, getting greeted loudly when entering the door each time. Loving each other. Going to the river together, going places alone. Being happy, being sad, going out to dinners, going for pizza, pizza, thrift store items, moving in, people moving in, leaving, birthdays, them visiting, her taking pictures, boardgames, blankets, portable stereo. Impersonating Chris Swartzendruber. Harry Potter, Glee, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Silent Hill, when we watched The Fountain. Her songs, their songs, people being home when I got home. The night we all had hot chocolate. Finding my keys. Everyone being really drunk, him smoking, the cops. Going to Safeway, reciting dreams, her talking on the phone in my room, saying goodbyes. Nights at the house alone, nights with just the boys, nights with just one of the boys. The night he came over, running naked in the hallway. Wanting and deciding to move on, never wanting to move on, making plans for the future, people making other plans, not making any plans for the future, not talking about the future. Being in the future, wishing to go back, remembering, making a family.