Due Respect/Gratefulness Check

I am okay. I don't wish to be happy any more, it is for fools. Happiness is transitory. Happiness leaves, and so often is not worth the feeling left with. I want to be okay, okay is dependable, stable. I am so blessed to be okay, and it was so difficult, so trying, and it too may not last forever. But I am in an okay place, and these people are better than okay, they are amazing. I can only be sorry for how they were treated in times far from okay. I can only hope to make them feel the same. I am a strong believer in good things taking time, I believe the time is now. Everything is appreciated, and everything is everything. Those no longer involved, I think of you every single day, that will not change. Though, people did, and their loved ones live on, live forward, and love forever, the only thing with a chance of permanence.

(If you have seen me at my bottom, you are more than deserving of the top, though may never find the words. It was so brutal.)

(I just felt this so trite, so trivial feeling, that makes me feel like I am so immature, juvenile. I was terribly torn up about it, secretly so upset, by the inkling that everyone around me was getting better and I wasn't. Like all the little things were just proof that I was getting left behind, and I would for eternity be the unhappy one. My friends would all succeed, and I would be right there along side them failing miserably, for all to see. I cannot cure myself of this notion, perhaps I can improve it slightly, make strides to feel included, to include myself. I could see that I am happy, and doing alright, so much better. I just get so terrified watching someone find joy, contentment, how easy, frivolous. I have to work a little harder at it, that's all.)

Supposed

"

"

Close Your Mouth

“You tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave"closed your mouth moretried to be softerprettierless volatile, less awakebut even when sleeping you could feelhim travelling away from you in his dreamsso what did you want to do, lovesplit his head open?you can’t make homes out of human beingssomeone should have already told you thatand if he wants to leavethen let him leave"

Sad Addiction

If you pinpoint something more abstract as an addiction, it can be beneficial in the understanding of it. I was addicted to my sadness, obsessed with my unhappiness. I saw it in a whole new light tonight, and it was revealing, to think of everything deriving in some way from that addiction. Being an addict is in my blood, hard-wired into my brain, like the hundred percent chance of me knowing no moderation. All things surrounding me accommodate to the pleasure I receive from feeling poorly about myself. This isn't just self-depreciating lifestyle so it looks a certain way, or based in any way on any other slightly surface grounds. I believe this to be very deep rooted, as well as possibly the hardest thing I will ever have to break. I seek displeasure out, wring melancholy from every moment, every single person. All the situations I involve myself in are fundamentally to make me feel badly about them, and I worry, also rudimentarily goal-orientated to make the other person feel the same. It's disgusting, but I think that I have convinced myself it is in their best interest, to break them and their self worth, if feeling like trash is truly the best sensation. I surround myself with sorrow manifesting things, small tales of woe and despair. Happiness is too clean, too simple, I won't get bored, I just won't get anything. All of my most meaningful relationships, I conceived coincidentally caused me the most heart ache. I connected on the level of feeling sad, I cannot even remember a time where this notion would not apply. I worry, because I would inevitably have I retrain myself what is positive, what is right, crying would not be the ideal outcome, sorrow would no longer be allowed to comfort and console me. I just got so accustomed to failure, when I would give up on something good, I cherished that sick awful feeling of self loathing, because I knew it so well, it knew me best. Joy and love felt wonderful, but could not last, my pitiful sadness, on the other hand, I knew was always waiting. As if it were sitting on the sidelines, watching, knowing I would return, and casting its shadow over those few flawlessly good moments, with the mutual knowledge that we would soon meet again. Something is changed now, though, I don't know which came first really, wanting the other person to feel sincere happiness and positivity, or wanting something genuine for my own future (or present). But I thought that being down on your luck, a raw wound, it could only get me so far. I've gained so little in all of my time of grieving over my own life, my own self. It's concerning though, it really is, being so certain that deserving better will just be another fleeting idea, ending in defeat, a failed attempt. Not succeeding is not the worst part, but the solace in the emotions subsequent. Because I knew how it would go, I knew that I did not in fact deserve better. I will sulk the rest of my life, over the accumulated misfortunes, created in the very first place by the need to sulk over them.

Most of me simply feels lately that if I could cease to over-think all things they would actually have a chance at maybe possibly working out.

 "EVERYTHING IN LIFE 
 IS JUST FOR A WHILE"

Potential Fears Of Fear's Potential

I fucking do not know how to explain this to someone properly, but I am terrified, and convinced of the total power over my own life (and not in the way that it sounds).

For Me

She said she picked a card. Pulls out something colorful, dark illegible scribbles along the less crowded areas. "The card means you are feeling sorry for yourself, your eyes are shut to all of the things deserving of gratitude, and you are feeling nothing else." I only think of myself.

Some Poor Apology

We are both standing in the street, you are speaking to me, but I am hardly looking at you. Your every attempt to cheer me up boils my blood, I am convinced that you are not doing a good enough job. That if it were sincere, it would be working. There is a too-long pause after a joke you probably knew would fall flat. I break the silence with a new train of thought, a whole other level. I am taunting you new, wishing for nothing more than to take your jovial spirit and never see it return. I ask you cooly, if you know how it is impossible to find someone amusing when you are in a mood. You catch my drift, but I am not finished. I resume, sharing my idea, telling you that it makes me think. If a loved one is not entertaining to the other whilst bitter, when the other doesn't want to find that person funny, or enjoyable at all, would the opposing notion not also have to ring true? I state, matter a factly, that any person wants to find their friends funny, clever, fun; if they are in high spirits then they make those around them seem great. The moral being that nothing is real, and no one likes each other as much as they hoped. You retaliate fruitlessly, deciding that in does not in fact work both ways. "It's funny, you're just so mad you don't want to find it funny." My lack of response declared a stale mate, and I must be any awful person to be around, on more occasions than simply the grumpy ones.

I appreciate and love you so much, and not simply for your tolerance.

Making Sense Of A Situation

"Stockholm syndrome, or capture–bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness. The FBI's Hostage Barricade Database System shows that roughly 27% of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual’s response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they no longer become a threat."

you made my stomach flutter
i believed that it was what love was

i will discontinue to think of love and fear as the same thing
once they find a way to differentiate one from the other

you'll think of me as your back up
i will try not to flinch

What I Knew I Need

Privacy. Lucidity. Solitary.    Silence.     Stillness. No one to answer to. 

Or Maybe

"I'm sentimental and I miss what used to be close to me.

Or maybe I’ve just got OCD and I can’t break my old routines."

Love Is Blind

Oh all the things I wished to say
But figured it couldn't be fair that you deserved me
You couldn't have both, you shouldn't have it all
As I looked at you, figuring that all of your freckles being in the exact same place
Had to mean that your same skin had to be underneath if I were to peel you away
I'd guess your laugh, still sounds exactly the same
Because you can strip yourself of every single thing aside from your vocal chords
And I've still got a box filled with all of your notes

(patiently waiting by the phone
for the wake up call
you finally say I'm self obsessed
and dodging a lot more than that)

  "This version I am certain, this shit ain't even about you"

Absolutely Own Anyone Or Anything She Loves

"She may be prone to resentful silks and silences if she feels ignored, and may resort to highly manipulative tactics to draw love and attention back to herself. This is not unusual for a young child, but Molly is liable to feel great conflict about her possessive feelings. She may be afraid that too much emotional intensity will drive others away, or that too strong an insistence on having her own way will result in them becoming angry. Thus there may be many complex feelings hidden under the surface which emerge only under great stress, when she feels really threatened by separation from loved ones. If [people] find intensity of emotion disturbing or distasteful, they may covertly if not openly denigrate Molly's powerful emotional and instinctual needs. This could deeply undermine her confidence, since she already carries her own fear that he is somehow bad because she feels so deeply and wants things so strongly."

Molly

"Molly needs a good deal of structure and order in her environment, and does not cope well with chaos, clutter, or ambiguous statements and emotions.

She can become very attached to particular objects and places and may show great distress if her security is threatened by any sudden change in her habitat and rituals. Yet when she is in one of her moods she is capable of generating a great deal if chaos all by herself, sabotaging whatever order parents and family members try to create and generally pushing everybody to their limits."

I Wanna Feel Good

       "YOU DON'T LIKE ME FEELING POSITIVE
       WELL THEN I HOPE THAT YOU FEEL THIS SOON ENOUGH."

I Don't Know My Own Way Around

"So we set our sights on closer shores
cause my arms can barely reach anything any more
I can make my way around this country
and never find anyone content with the place that they're from
all of my best friends are getting bored
with life and how it seems, only to serve to make us miserable every chance it gets
we're all tired of our small boring towns
and our self imposed cubicles, we put ourselves into
so we set our sights on closer shores
cause my heart can barely stand disappoint any more
and I can make my way around this country, never find anyone who's content with the place that they're from
and the stories go on and on, but I don't want them to
I want to hear something new for once

and when I leave this town
I'm gonna bid you farewell
when I return again
you'll have a great, long story to tell for everyone
you'll have a great long story to tell for everyone"

  "Living situations are important
  you feel their intense ripples"

Feb

 

 

 

 

Looking Into Signs

I have missed you each day
267 plus 369
I have been bad at math
I am still good at signs

just don't think about it
but don't feel guilt over it either

Birds Of A Different Feather

The more that I self examine, the better I understand why it is things come to be how they are. I overheard one sentence of a conversation in a cafe today, a woman telling another woman that she hasn't yet externalized her realizations. I found that relatable because I am attempting quite hard to come to terms with how I really am, and wish not to be. I suppose that I've always felt that I was cut from a different cloth, trying to squeeze into a cookie cut out, the shape of those around me, everywhere. I think that the things a person has thought all along, there has got to be some truth to those things. If I am to submit to the nonconventialist I truly (am still finding that I) am, my lifestyle should follow suite. I cannot force these things to make sense, I am different, and it's hard, but it is how it is.

In every discernible way.

 inertia

Fears Become Reality

"You have reached an impasse that strategizing can no longer help. To a large extent, it’s your perspective that has immobilized you to this degree. Your expectations are too narrow, or beyond the scope of your present capabilities. No worries though, use this pause in time to reflect on your heartfelt intentions, then, imagine how you’ll feel when life is moving effortlessly. The goal is to fix your perspective, not your problem. The problem is your path to awakening. Be in acceptance no matter what and after the 17th, you will feel more at ease with your position."

Tactful

"I haven't forgotten about you.

You know you can't count on me."

So skilled at almosts

he said your mind has been wandering to the one fell swoops

and I can never tell if you're kidding

Too close for comfort

and I've been trying not to cry when I am not supposed to

Crafting everything

only into the same thing

Found What

Fever dreams
Privacy leaves
Found so it seems

Gravity

"You will never be let down by anyone
more than you will be let down
by the one you love most in the world
it’s how gravity works
it’s why they call it “falling”
it’s why the truth is harder to tell
every year
you have more to lose
but you can choose to bury your past
in the garden
beside the tulips
water it
until it’s so alive
it lets go
and you belong to yourself
again"


I will focus on, and work on what is mine
in spite of the heart hidden on my sleeve, and the knife twisting in my spine