Not Like Anyone's Askin

""

Crawling Back Up

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Life-Long

how self indulgent
this lifelong feeling

Let It Sear

can't barely take care of myself,

wiping my runny face on my sleeve, and let it smear

change and rearrange days, until it makes up a year

brand myself with old names, and let it sear

lie awake all night until I swear..

the next day doesn't have to come for me

I'm so deep inside my head

sometimes it's difficult to surface just to breathe

I've never been so positive

that you can drown your whole life

in negative thoughts

it's a brand new day, let it sear

I reflected so thoroughly

I finally saw the mirror

Tenderness

And I awake to a day
to a tender nightmare
to caress my thoughts
like your bare legs in it
and i bet i wouldn't choose
any other way for as much as a minute
because I used to cry over that spilled milk
and now i cry for myself, who spilled it
and i'll slither out of any good situation
as if it was my only skill
and i bet
i'll dwell on its goodness
like it was all i had left

Can't You See

My boss congratulated me tonight, she said, "Mollie, you are so good at taking criticism", over and over. "You take it like you are much older", she told me. She said I take it so well, and that it would, "Really help me later on" in my life. 
And it might, if I could hesitate to be in such agreement with it, and stop beating myself up 

long enough to make something of myself.

Sleeping Pills

"I think I might go for a walk alone 

Nothing is happening here, nothing ever does 

But all of us, all of us 

We were eachother's home 

Lets drive far, far away  

until we find something to set our tired eyes on 

live everyday like we did in your front lawn 

walk to the river and wash our bodies from the night 

listen for the words we said, so we’d have some thing else that we could write 

I think I might go for a walk with you 

Nothing is happening here, nothing ever does 

But all of us, all of us 

We really made something of a house with 3 rooms

The table burnt with ashes, and the bottle full of waste 

Sat there way too many nights 

And invited ourselves over to stay 

We are all looking for something that we can not explain 

But sitting there together, 

There's no room to complain. 

We'll sing the same sad songs, and play the same games 

and later when we talk about it,  

I hope it's all the same 

Lets go for a walk, in this city where we’ve grown 

Nothing is happening here, nothing ever does 

But all of us, all of us 

We were eachother's home"

The Maze

"There is no route out of the maze. The maze shifts as you move through it, because it is alive."

Loyalty

   Maybe all I'll ever be is loyal,
   but I have learned there's more important things.

If The Only Thing We Have To Gain

"I have never met a heavy heart
that wasn’t a phone booth with a red cape inside
some people will never understand what kind of super power
it takes for some people to just
walk outside

“You- You stay here with me, okay?

You stay here with me

If the only thing we have to gain in staying is each other
My god that is plenty! 
My god that is enough!
My god that is so so much for the light to give
Each of us at each other’s backs 
Whispering over and over and over,
“Live! Live! Live!”"

And Nothing

""

So Cut Me Loose

"I am the only one that thinks I'm going crazy
And I don't know what to do
And I am the only son of a pastor I know
Who does the things I do
But if it was you
Then it'd be a different story
And If I were youThen it'd be a simpler story

I was amazed at the color and shapes you do
It's a paper cut for two
I am the only son of a bastard I know
That knows the bastard too
Because it was you
I called it a different story
But if it was you I don't think that it would matter
But if I were youI don't think that this would matter

Well, I bet you did what you did
When you did it to do it
By the time you were done with it
I bet you did what you did
When you did
Just to tell every friend that you have
That the Lord did it(But the Lord didn't)

And I finally knew that I simply couldn't matter
She finally knew that she simply couldn't matter
And I guess it's true you never knew
The passive power of the truth
So cut me loose
If I could write another phrase
We might be better off someday
But there's no useBut there's no use
If I could write another phraseBut I haven't written a thing in days
Cause there's no useThere's no use
I finally knew that I simply couldn't matter 
You finally knew that you simply couldn't matter 
I guess it's true you never knew 
The passive power of the truth 
So cut me loose
If I could write another phrase 
We might be better off this way 
But there's no use"

Losing My Mind

I stood at what felt like the top of the world, the city lights glowing below me, distant and beautiful. I felt alive, and full of fresh air, in every way. It wasn't quite two in the morning, and I didn't feel quite conscious. I looked in front of me in awe, I felt the city in every way, and everything it stood for to me. I stood in the present. I begin to walk home, and I knew my way. I also knew the feeling that would seep deep inside me as I got into my bed to sleep. I went down, down, down, until I was under the lights, and inside of the past. I crave familiarity. It's just my dreams are starting to feel like my real life, and everything I am living just isn't. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen or felt, in that moment, because it was clear, unclouded by my memories.


In my dream, my dad sat across from me on a low roof top, at a small circular table. I remember I could feel my hair, thick and wild. Without sharing my ideas with him, on everyone else's life and growth, and my being so ashamed and so sure I was completely unaltered. I didn't say anything, and my dad looked and me stern and said, do not pretend that you are the same person. He said there are so many differences, don't lie and fake that this version is the same as that version here. He said when you go back there you can be you, and that I am myself here as well, just don't pretend that they are the same. Don't act like you haven't changed (and everyone else has grown up). I didn't say anything, and a part of me knew he was right.


In my dream last night I was sitting in the passenger seat of a large van, I think it was white, and was parked in a spot in a parking lot. You sat close to me in the driver's seat and I think we were looking at each other as we conversed. We talked for a while, and I remember being happy that we finally were, like I had been wanting to for a little while. I remember a break in our talking, and then you said easily, "I realized with personalities like ours, that it is impossible for  us to be friends." I couldn't be sad about what you said, because I knew in my heart of heart it to be true. I sat there thinking about how you phrased it, and was almost relieved we both understood the truth of the situation despite it not being at all what I wanted it to be. I also thought about what you meant about personalities like ours, and how you meant that they were different from each other's, not the same. I understood and knew the feeling to be mutual, and it was a fact we could never be friends, I got out of the car, and I'm not sure if you ever did.

This Story As Your Own

""

Thank You

"YOU GAVE ME LANGUAGE AS A GIFT
I TURNED IT AGAINST YOU
I WAS STUPID, I WAS DUMB
HANGED BY MY JUDAS TONGUE
SHOULDN'T GIVE WEAPONS TO KIDS WHO DON'T KNOW BETTER
CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FOREVER
FOR EVERY LETTER IN THE ALPHABET
YOU SAID TO CONNECT THEM TO A HAPPY WORD
NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS GET
I DID MY BEST BUT THE PICKINGS GOT SLIM
ONCE I ARRIVED AT EX AND HAD TO THINK OF SYNONYMS
WEIGHED THEM AGAINST THE ANTONYMS
HANGING WITH ALL THE MANNEQUINS

SEARCH FOR BIRTH WITH AMPUTATED LIMBS
ALMOST OFFERED UP MY OWN
TRADING IN ARMS AND LEGS
YOU SAID LEARN TO EXPRESS YOURSELF
IF YOU'RE GONNA STAND FOR THINGS
I STOOD UP WITHOUT EXPRESSION
I STOOD UP AGAINST EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOU
CAUSE I WAS OUT OF LESSON
I HAD YOUR LESSONS TO CLING ONTO
I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH THEY HELPED
CONSIDERING EVERYTHING I'VE GONE THROUGH
THERE WAS A PERIOD WITHOUT PERIODS
RUN ON SENTENCES WERE LIKE BITCHES
A COMMA WITH NO PAUSE
A REBEL WITH NO CLAUSE
ANXIETY'S WAS NO EXCUSE
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SEPARATE
WE COULD HAVE CONNECTED BUT DIDN'T
I WAS IGNORANT
PASSED OUT ON THE SPACE BAR
FELT THAT WE DRIFTED APART
THE CLOSER I CAME TO REALIZING
HOW AMAZING YOU ARE
NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE
I SAY IT TO THE STARS
TIL MY WORDS KNOCK WORLDS OFF THEIR AXIS
THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSES

THANK YOU FOR THE MATCHES
THE GIFT OF FIRE
FOR THE WOOD AND THE AXE
FOR WHOOPING MY ASS
THE FOR WHEEL EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T INVENT IT
FOR THE IMPACT YOU HAD ON ME, IT'S EPIC
THANK YOU FOR THE EFFORT
FOR TEACHING ME THE ABC'S
EVER IF I NEVER MAKE MY WAY TO Z
EVEN IF I NEVER DO FOR SOMEONE ELSE
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID FOR ME
THANK YOU

I WAS A STUPID SON OF A GUN
WITH INITIALS CARVED INTO ME
A STRAY, A RUNAWAY
AFRAID SOME DAY YOU'D SHOOT ME
SCRATCHED OFF THE LETTERS WITH A POCKET KNIFE
I LOST MY WAY WHEN I WAS TOSSED INTO THE FRAY
THIS IS NOT MY LIFE
WHO AM I KIDDING
IT'S A THANK YOU NOTE DISGUISED AS A WRITTEN APOLOGY
FOR EVERYTHING YOU TAUGHT TO ME

AWKWARDLY I APPROACH THE MICROPHONE
WITH EVERYTHING THAT I WROTE
I CLEARED MY THROAT
ADJUST THE COLLAR ON MY COAT
I ROCK CROWDS, MICROPHONES AND VOTES
I STROKE WHATEVER LITTLE EGO I HAVE LEFT
SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT THE ALTAR
I DIDN'T BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT SELF-DEPRICATING AUTHOR
THE PAPERBACK ADDITION THAT ISN'T WORTH THE FLIP THROUGH
IF I DON'T GIVE YOU THE CREDIT YOU DESERVE
YOU EDITED THE WORDS FROM THE GRAVE AND BEYOND
FROM THE FIRST SIGHT OF SUN RAYS AT DAWN
TO THE MOON BEAMS THAT BLAZE TO MY LAWN
THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSES ON MY FROM STEPS
WE GET TO SHARE IN THAT MOMENT FOR JUST ONE MOMENT
NOBODY'S UPSET, THERE'S NO MORE ANGER
THERE'S NO MORE SUNSETS
SO I CRAWL BACK IN THE CHAMBER
YOU CAN SHOOT ME UP
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
WE HAD GREAT COMMUNICATION
BEFORE THE TOWER FELL

THANK YOU FOR THE MATCHES
THE GIFT OF FIRE
FOR THE WOOD AND THE AXE
FOR WHOOPING MY ASS
THE FOR WHEEL EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T INVENT IT
FOR THE IMPACT YOU HAD ON ME, IT'S EPIC
THANK YOU FOR THE EFFORT
FOR TEACHING ME THE ABC'S
EVER IF I NEVER MAKE MY WAY TO Z
EVEN IF I NEVER DO FOR SOMEONE ELSE
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID FOR ME
THANK YOU"

Didn't Even Guess

"I didn’t even guess that I was happy. 

The small irritations that are like salt 

on melon were what I dwelt on."

Step Off Of Her Stage

"This concept I've been given

That there's more to life than livin'

Would be nice if it were true.

If this world's so pure and lovely,

You ask standin' high above me,

Why the anger? Why the rage?

But my answer goes forgotten,

When my head it's pillow cotton,

And I step off of her stage."

I Regret The Sun

"I regret the moment we met
and the way you pretended.
I regret the sun that day,
its warmth so artificial,
and I regret the way pain
has taught me nothing."




"But something is wrong.
Grief is a circular staircase.
I have lost you."


“What we want
is never simple.
We move among the things
we thought we wanted:
a face, a room, an open book
and these things bear our names—
now they want us.
But what we want appears
in dreams, wearing disguises.
We fall past,
holding out our arms
and in the morning
our arms ache.
We don’t remember the dream,
but the dream remembers us.”

There Is No One To Make Things Fair

A day just like today, I wish there were a God. Heaven forbid something good happens for him.
This isn't about my life, except for not having control, of anything.

Stranger

"And we belief we were closer than we were
That kept us up all night
He and I were the kind of bad dreams worth having
Unforgettable with the kind of desire to find out
How it would have ended if we hadn’t woken up when we did
I’m not saying I’m still in love with him
I just don’t believe I’d be able to stop myself if I found him all over again


We were pipelines fumbling chances of locked eyes
Just inches away from all that we could breathe
And I knew I liked it too much cuz I couldn’t pull my face out of a smile for two weeks


I don’t want the best
I just need what can pull me out of the worst


I’ll keep breathing for you
Even when you don’t want me to


Daylight
We haven’t met yet
But when we do our smiles will be so close
We’ll believe they’re from the same lightsource
And that’s the way I like it"

The Graffiti Paint

The   paint's   still   wet   on   the   graph   writing

But   I   can't   stop   crying

How Long

how long and torturesome, it's been a year. you missed from my birthday, to my moving away. you missed everything. except you never once missed me. and I created a warped personality after you left, based off of the absence of a person, who I still consider my base. a persisting slap in the face, how selfish, to leave someone else full of such endless doubts and fear, the worst is you knew you did, the worst is it's been a year.

And We Dance

he kisses my neck, after kissing my face
but I still don't feel a thing
for I'm in a different town, a different decade
and we dance
he can't see me laughing in the dark
but I was never searching for fun
and I have known that from the start
I smiled at him, but felt myself putting on my show
he said he knew nothing about me
but he knew it was more about leaving then where I would go
I told him I'm a water bearer, and that it was all he needed to know

The Sun Has Become

""

Holding My Face

"Where am I going? Backwards to nowhere
In another man's shoes instead of my own pair
I promised discretion and to be at her beck and call
I look like a dandelion and feel like a wreckin' ball
I ran out of wishes and then she came to offer hers
Lookin' at myself in the mirror,
I'm at a loss for words
I'm good at my job, goin' out of my mind kinda
Holding my face in my hands like fine china..."

Lost

I don't know who to be anymore.

Disconnection

Everyone is inebriated,

I am not.

"Get in a sticky situation? 

Roll a spliff."

Internally

I am grateful for
my possibilities and options.
All the people I haven't even met yet,
and all of my loved ones.
I am grateful for this opportunity to 
leave town, and for anyone who made
the conscious decision to include me in
their present and future.
I am appreciative for all those who make
time for me and check in on me.
I will not reward myself with punishment,
or feelings of mediocrity. I can go anywhere,
I can do anything, and although I cannot be
anyone, that is the only thing holding me back,
in any way. I am grateful for my only one
restraint. I am appreciative of the immense amounts
of clarity that I have obtained, am constantly obtaining,
and for all that I see and feel, so that it can assist me in my
recovery and eventually my journey. I am grateful for my
absence of pride, and all things besides myself that could
have potentially gotten in my way. I won't succumb to fear
forever. I am okay.



"Oh what a year
spent held up
in here."

Someone Else

Helpless is not being able to help anyone else.
(I could always help myself.)

I Can Never Sleep When I Want To

(I figured I'd get this out there)
If I could say anything to five people right now it would be this:



1. You always have this unusual way of accidentally proving your importance to me. I really love talking to you more than most people I have ever met, and it's hard to tell that to you because it's difficult to say these compliments with enough conviction to make them more than compliments. I really am not entirely sure why I feel this connection, still there, and I wonder if you ever think about all the different ways this could have been and gone. This actually isn't at all what I would say to you, I would ask if we ever could stand a fighting chance, and what you really thought of me. I would tell you I believe in second chances just as much as you do. I hope we talk in two months, and I will never forget so many things that you have said to me.


2. You mean everything to me, and it means everything to me that we should put such equal weight in spending our lives together, growing and just being. I would do anything for you, and we just are, and being with you again will feel more like home than anywhere else has because there will be no end in sight, because there is no end. I have so much to tell you. I have so much to hear.


3. Thank you eternally for your love and tolerance. My gratitude is so beyond words, or any feeling anyone has felt. If I could help you get what you deserve, I would, and I hope so deeply that one day that occurs for you.


4. I don't know anything about where we are except for that we are  nowhere. You would not believe how much time is spent thinking about you, and what to say, oh it's probably a year, and a year through. You are so perfect and fantastic and all I ever wanted, and I can't stop thinking about it actually for a second. One of my biggest regrets in my personal life is how I dealt/did not deal with things, our things. I want so badly to just lay with you again, and you kiss me at all the exact right times. Maybe one day I will show up to your work like I have been wanting and say so, and say anything at all.


5. I worry about you. I want so incredibly bad to be there for you and a part of your life, even if it's exactly just how I was, but I don't know how. You scare me in such a way, and I am so clueless as to what you want that it makes me so sad I am unsure as to how to give that to you in a friend. I do know we feel so much of the same, but further than that I want to explain so much. If I could tell you anything it would be what I think about you, and how it is how amazing you are and how insanely much that I cherish and enjoy talking to you. You are beyond a significant person in my life, and I want you to always, always be. I have been meaning to tell you every single day, how you are the worst friend I have ever had.


Turns out saying what you want to say is even harder than I thought, meaning I couldn't.