Even The Sparrows

"I look up -- there's a tree and a small brown bird
Even the sparrows have built a nest
But we, poor fools, have built nothing"

Fight

"From my left eye flow tears of joy
and sorrow from my right.
"You might seem too strong to surrender,
boy, but you're far too frail to fight."
That old dull pain beats in my brain
and falls down my back into every limb-
And its more of the same
as the warmth that I seem to lack"

Force To Be Reckoned With

 My head oft leaves my body far behind.

These Days

"Don't waste your lips on words I've heard before
Kiss my tired head
And each letter written wastes your hand, young man
Come and lead me to your bed
You gave me hope that I'd not lost her
And then thought it rather strange to see me smile-
as I don't, I don't do too much smiling these days

She put on happiness like a loose dress
Over pain I'll never know
"So the peace you had," she said,
"I must confess, I'm glad to see it go."
We're two white roses lying frozen just outside his door
I've made you so happy and so sad,
But which should I be more sorry for?

Come kiss my face goodbye,
that space below my eye and above my cheek
Cause I'm faint and fading fast, and I see a darkness
And I shall be released
I'll pass like a fever from this body,
And softly slip into his hands
I tried to love you and I failed,
But I have another plan"

Pretender

Happiness is the best revenge, but I inadvertently left everyone with an uneasy feeling instead.

But Today Was A Good Day

    I guess I'd be able to live my own life if I was not so tremendously codependent.

you never ask me how i am
and i know that it is probably on purpose
but it makes me feel worse

Docked

  you whispered to me of how loose lips sink ships
  but I have been harboring some deep and heavy baggage
  constraining me anchored right here
  (remembering the faintness of those words is the sole thing keeping my eyes off of that rope)

  the waves are choppy
  but this feeling is as sparing and endless as all of the oceans and seas I will never see
  (blue forever)

Hour By Hour

_{2 years 2 months and 21 days, I think this is it, you've finally killed me.}

Last Scenes

we ended, like the conclusion of a romantic drama with mildly hopeful sentiments. (we had our subtle laughs, our differing insinuated flashbacks, the screen abruptly turns black, then fades again and you can tell a little time has passed, we are face to face again, does this never end?)

Beneath The Bridge

I broke my heart

jumping through hoops

I just nearly drowned

in the water under the bridge

and all hope is diminished

every single night

blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel

I crawl onward

threw my life saving

into the wishing well

after jumping off of the bridge's edge

and barely making it out of the waves

I lived underneath it

taking years to understand

that I in fact do belong atop it

""

I'm Not The One You Were Thinking Of

    "The rise and fall of my slopping love"

I Found Out Nothing's Alright

"The light that came on

was blinding, yeah, blinding

and then it was gone

but I will remember

and I won't move on

I found out that nothing's alright"

Dog Paddle

turns out these relationships are not worth the near to nothing amount of energy that they take to maintain
because i have but one unconditional, and she doesn't live here and it's not the same
as the people around here calling me (but not by my name)
this means nothing to anyone, knowing although to me it means a lot
i can tell by the way they expect me to use the bar stall without a lock
without a lock
without a lot
just a little thought
and i feel no better
when they use the word forever
conditional is exactly what this should be
now a negative connotation to the word friend
because i am drowning
in the shallow end


never really thought i would say that i feel this sort of alone
relating to but one person now from that discarded home

Love Can Be So Boring

"So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring 

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now 

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had 

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely 

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better 

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had 

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right 

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring 

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted"

This Directionless

I crassly conceived, so backwards believed

that you were so lost without my guidance

my head is still spinning

I just hope that I do not remain this directionless

forever

Find Me

"The cure for pain is in the pain,
so it's there that you'll find me.
Until again I forget, 
and again he reminds me,
"Hear my voice in your head,
and think of me kindly."

Let me be, let me be..

Lowered down like a casket
and buried just below her chest.
"Whatever I was searching for,
it was never you," she says.
The record ended long ago,
we go on dancing nonetheless.

I opened like a locket, 
"If you're ever cold," I wrote,
"there's warmth inside me.
I'm the pocket of an old winter coat."
But where she used to say "I need you."
Now...."I don't.""

Alive In So Long

keeping you prestine in the museum of my mind
 this is the first time being alive singularly in so long

(for now
take a good long look at everything you aren't missing out on
though you can't
my face is too grossly familiar to observe)

this may not make sense right now
but thank you so much for showing me that I deserve better
I thought I did, but didn't believe it

  "did you come knocking on my door or did I come to yours?
  whose ship came washed up on whose shore?
  and from what ocean floor?

  there wasn't much to her dress 
  and I felt stuck in my body like a horse in quicksand"

"



"

Stare Endlessly

"My dear you are naught but a mirror
Hung high above my bathroom shelf
I stare endlessly looking for answers
But all that I see is myself"

Torn Up?

       "I feel my heart ache, but I've forgotten what that feeling means."

Could Go

I've been thinking a lot about reincarnation, and with the lessons that I have, it really could go either way.

Keep In Mind, Kept In Mind

You can only tell someone you'll let them go so many thousands of times before they take you up on it.

All My

"And you'll remind me how I said you were a quiet bed in all my noise to rest.

Well, I was charming you at best.

Can you remember, dear, my saying how my coming here was a terrible fall?"

Last

 I have conceived that I have a difficult time differentiating nerves, from elation. Obviously, not every time that I feel nervous, but rather when the nerves are not of a negative nature. Perhaps people spiral upwards, the same way that they spiral downwards, I am simply less familiar with the upwards motion and thoughts. I feel okay today, because there is change in the air, although I am an off putting sort of anxious, trust me, I do not normally toss away my breakfast. Trembling hands, teary eyes, how long can this last? Most importantly, should anything last?

Built On

"But something changed as we exposed ourselves, just as it does 
in any relationship built on words instead of deeds."

Just The Same

 These white walls did not render me plain 
 these parents aren't entirely to blame 
 not nature, not nurture 
 all the same I do feel our sadness deep in my veins 

Excruciatingly Detailed

  "He gave me such specific compliments."

Yeah

i felt gross as he placated me
saying
yeah totally
you put in all the effort you possibly could
then absolutely no care
and the outcomes is the same
nonetheless
you want to just give up
see what happens
already knowing
yeah totally

Often

"I’m stomaching nothing. 
I’m reaching for no one. 
I’m leaving this city and I’m headed out to nowhere. 
I carry your image. 

And if you hear me, I think of you often. 
(That’s all I can offer. 
That’s all that I know how to give.)"

Still Dark

"the subsequent catastrophe has since haunted me like a fiberglass ghost in the attic my inconveniently selective memory as provisionally 'you' mercifully withdrew all the bearing points we thought we knew day's run day's set plot our compass shot we sailed waywardly on singing our midnight archer songs until well past dawn it's still dark on the deck of our boats haphazardly blown broken bows our aimless arrow-words don't mean a thing so by now I think it's pretty obvious that there's no God and there's definitely a God"

Heavy Meddling

 Some days even the clouds are too loud, 
 and my memory is only holding me back now

And when these downward spiraling gears get to turning, they grind persistently. They seem to almost speak for me, mentally, so fine-tuned, so in practice. Overanalyzing, nitpicking. A piece of work, a piece of shit, with no self control, no self worth, no self esteem, drowning, and ruining everything, trying to pull it all down with me. The thought process is all the same, I can't look at myself, I am undereducated, I am unskilled, unmotivated, wasting my life away, gave up on the good things, kept tightly all of the worst. Obsessive compulsive, anxiety, sleepless, homeless, stuck, overbearing, secretive, fear-based, untrustworthy, resenting, pseudo intellectual, living in the past. Nothing to say, talk too much, too loudly. My teeth are moving, eating disorder, I prefer being sad, I am insanely sensitive, over-thinking, I dropped out of school, I ruined my life, I can't get over anything ever, I may never find a good job, I want to be alone too much, I hate everything that I write about, I wreak havoc on all of my amazing friendships, I don't have a job, I don't drink, I have social anxiety and phobias, I have no clothes. I'll never change, I'll never grow, things are so obviously only getting worse, and when the loop continues to loop, when I have nothing, when I am nothing, and don't want to be anything, and want to be so much, there is only one thing that I have to wake up for in the morning. Honestly, the people that I love are the only thing that keep me going, that inspire me, that make me happy or give me something to look forward to. I appreciate those that I know, so endlessly, more than I will ever tell them, in fear of admitting dependency. My friends make me laugh and give me hope, my brother makes me think, and understand. Sometimes I don't talk to my favorite people for too long, sometimes I throw a wrench into things, most of the time I am just too affected. I care so much, and think so highly, and really, really cherish those in my life, however they are in it. Nothing could ever be more of a reason to be better, or a better person than that. I want to be good, and the people that I love are the only thing that stop my cycles, shift my gears, make me live.

Nothing Left To See

    "And if I know where to find you    I'll stay out of your way    I won't come beg to borrow    All the happiness you've earned"
I apologize for how I reacted(rash and instinctually)in my defenseyou know very well I get emotional at nightand it has been night for months nowhow could you have known

Surrender

"How we said
no, no, no, no
to the most beautiful
YES:

life
itself."

Only

"If only the circumstances had been wildly different."

Hurts

         he isn't walking on eggs shells

he tells me in his car

       he is walking on broken glass

                   and this isn't always about being careful

                it turns into being about getting hurt

Down Into Eventual Nothingness

"My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you. 
Let it drain you of your all. 
Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”

Your Memories Bleed

"And time was a blur, punctuated with a stir
It was always cause of her, and always was never enough
You start thinking about, all the times you’ve spent without
It begets a seed of doubt, in the clockwork peach in your soul
And your memories bleed, and your pulse is gaining speed
All these thoughts are a disease, and poetry’s one of the flesh

And now the world seems strange, all your thoughts are rearranged
You’re feeling quite estranged, oh I hate remembering
And you’re distorting pictures and dislodging fixtures
And creating mixtures of truth and reality
And now your heart’s palpitating, as your world’s disintegrating
You begin to start hating, the things that make life... life"

Just Be Clean

"I could feel it now
I felt the Lord in my father's house
Well, I could see, I could see
Standing we were seventeen, make it clean
Are you the living ghost of what I need?
Are you giving me the best of me.
We, will see.

'Cause I'm done being done with the funerals at least for now
Are you tired of being alone, are you tired of being alone?

I could see I could see
God I never should have seen, so complete
I am the living ghost of what you need
I am everything eternally, God just speak

'Cause I'm done being done with the funerals at least for now
Are you tired of being alone, are you tired of being alone?

Just be clean

I felt the world begin
To peel off all my skin
And I felt the weight within
Reveal the bigger mess
That you can't fix

I felt I felt good
Repeat into my home
Don't fight, don't ever go
I swear you'll never know
You'll never know"

Pitiful Recover

how does a person recover?
a skill I never learned
but tried so many different ways
I swore to never write about you again
I lasted a whole day

there is the way of pushing something out
blocking out a person with all of your might
you were there in my dream
just standing there watching me
I can't help a song from reminding me of you
I can't help people coming up to me saying your name
"are you sad?"
she asked so cooly, loud, all the faces turned to mine
"no", I lied breezily to everyone
except me
I'm a fraud, knew it all along
my stomach shook all night just
thinking about you
I tried
getting it out of my system
keeping it in
I didn't write about you for over a day
I look for and hide from you everywhere
how does a person recover?

I need you now more than ever
and I hate it

Still Going

Stream Of Unconsciousness

you eat too fast, and I don't mean food I mean socially
letting no one get up to your speed, you are just too damn hungry

he said the thc, it's soaking straight into your blood stream
and I am tempted to reply that I care as much as he cares why I'm still clean

everything is in jars, jars, and jars
and even all of the doors in this house are ajar
because we need our solitude, but can only take it so far, 
far, far

I am focusing on my self esteem now, and seeing how it is to feel okay
I know it is time, and I am ready, and I just want to move away
it's this stale, awful town I've been talking shit about, and my friends can find out some day
as long as they don't find out today

he calls it floor-bud, what it is once it has fallen on the floor
I laugh and tell him that I've had that feeling before
something so prized, with so much potential, suddenly trash compared to all the rest
he said that it will now always be that, and I see why that feeling never left

my dad says, he doesn't want these two kids now in his life
if I listened to everything my dad said, I'd be permanently hung up on every slight
remember the few things he ever said to or about me forever, well looks like I just might

I have a hard time calling my friends now, cause I am lazy and it is too much of a task
I do not want them to know what I am and am not doing, and lucky for me they never ask
lucky for them, I am an understanding, loyal, loving, total pain in the ass

now due to poor judgement, I always chase the most complication person I can find, even just to study their ways
now due to dedication, I'll always get lost for years on end in my mind of their maze

I know these streets like the back of my hand, I know you just like the palm
blood soused, nail through, the feeling hasn't gone
though you've gone, so when you visit, you never think to ask what is it
well I would tell you, even dying for an absent someone else's sins, couldn't turn me religious

(I am just trying to see how it would be to be okay
I plan to better myself now, get out of yesterday, leave it yesterday)

Me Again

"i blew up a balloon again 

just to inflate and deflate it 

you came around with that sharp tack 

you popped it, popped me again 

i flew around the room 

like a fool in plain view 

i swear i am no fool 

just a man with belief in you"

Truthfully Don't Know Much

It took a long time, and I do not have to tell you that. I have a feeling that this may be, or should be, the last letter that I leave you. My inclinations have been wrong before though. 
After finally feeling, for the first time, that there was an option for me to work on and try to repair things between us, I thought about everything differently than before, and maybe accidentally finding my closure. I truthfully don't know much of what you think or who you are now, and only have to work with the few things you've told me since we've stopped talking, and several things that you told me before that I can think of as still being true. I see you, and your new life as being false as to who you really are, I do not judge you for that because I think that I understand somewhat, and also know that I am sure that it makes you happy, or you wouldn't be living how you are. I think where I come in, or come in still, is the piece still to be desired, the connection and honesty that is so hard, but was once worth it. What's funny is how that feeling is shared, despite my real friends, and life of being so much of who I am, there is this definite gap, that I feel, where our friendship once was. I've concluded that what we have done is possibly idealized each other a bit, and whether or not you reflect on our time together, I do a whole lot, every day. We are left with the sentiment that no one compares, because no one watches or listens or cares as much as we did for each other. And I do still care, I always, always will, but what I see now are two very different lives, much separated in every single way plausible, and as much as for years I have been wanting to mend, and spent my time talking to and being with you, I know now that it can't fit. Now of course I do believe in my heart of hearts, that to ensure you being happy I would do absolutely everything in the whole world, if that meant attempting to sacrifice and push aside this reality, I would. But it isn't what you want, it has been made so clear for so long, and I am only sorry for having and getting my hopes up, naively. I guess one day there could potentially be a middle for us to meet, and we could catch up on every second like I have always wanted, but now I must go my way, and you yours, if not for any reason besides that we already have. I will love you forever. And feel badly somehow, for not being good enough, but for now I need nothing else than to find my peace, within this, and foremost with myself. I do want to thank you though for everything that you taught me, and raising my expectations and standards in every way in friends, friendship, and people, I know now that I needed it. I hope that despite some things, you feel that way, too.
I tried, but couldn't find the last words that you said to me about the people in your life now and myself, as an apology. I realized also that an apologize is not what I am looking for, I want us, both, to be happy, and have never wanted anything else. I am so sad to see that we are trying the way that we are, but I know now why we cannot involve each other in that, and I will do my very best not to be sad about that.

Easier

                ^{I am having troubles forgiving these big things that changed my life very much. I just wish that I could, it is easier.}

Hundred

top one hundred

1. wicker park 
2. the science of sleep
3. moulin rouge
4. fight club
5. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
6. the tree of life
7. donnie darko
8. the illusionist
9. a single man
10. like crazy
11. the royal tenenbaums
12. seven pounds
13. beginners
14. the matrix
15. closer
16. inception
17. melancholia
18. drive
19. blue valentine
20. new moon
21. moonrise kingdom
22. forgetting sarah marshall
23. signs
24. the village
25. the kids are all right
26. garden state
27. v for vendetta
28. vanilla sky
29. mr. and mrs. smith
30. the curious case of benjamin button
31. scott pilgrim vs. the world
32. the strangers
33. brokeback mountain
34. waking life
35. the greatest
36. the shining
37. never let me go
38. the future
39. ruby sparks
40. an education
41. 8 mile
42. spice world
43. josie and the pussycats
44. mean girls
45. charlie's angels
46. zoolander
47. shutter island
48. brothers
49. cloverfield
50. weekend
51. finding joe
52. life in a day
53. my week with marilyn
54. take the waltz
55. watchmen
56. titanic
57. the reader
58. youth in revolt
59. twilight
60. mathilda
61. fantastic mr. fox
62. (500) days of summer
63. scary movie 3
64. wedding crashers
65. i'm still here
66. life or something like it
67. anchorman
68. talladega nights
69. elizabethtown
70. vicky cristina barcelona
71. juno
72. howl
73. zodiac
74. death proof
75. the rocky horror picture show
76. little miss sunshine
77. the dark knight
78. the girl with the dragon tattoo (2011)
79. the master
80. memento
81. the town
82. shame
83. chloe
84. american beauty
85. i love you phillip morris
86. before sunrise
87. the fountain
88. the social network
89. the virgin suicides
90. a series of unfortunate events
91. ferris bueller's day off
92. hanna
93. sucker punch
94. kick-ass
95. jane eyre (2009)
96. creation
97. young adult
98. the life aquatic with steve zissou
99. a beautiful mind
100. jennifer's body

the adjustment bureau

easy a
milk
martha marcy may marlene
stranger than fiction
katy perry: part of me

amelie

changeling

adventureland

get rich or die tryin
the prestige
super 8
catch me if you can

work in progress..