Start And Can't Stop

My dad and brother say nicer things about me when they believe that I cannot hear, and I like that. They think that I am sleeping, they do not know that I do not do much of that. They are discussing me, knowing that I am not very good at things, and my brother is gentle about it, and my dad says to him that I will get better. I am still lying in bed, pretending to sleep. When I am face to face with them it is different, my brother, point blank, said, "You should not be here." And people like me, take words like that, at face value. Words like that tend to replay a bit. My dad bought organic fresh ground french roast coffee, not for the three of us, but the nine others that are here. Twelve, twelve people, and why am I one of them, I guess that I shouldn't be. He offers me some of the coffee, he tells me that french roast is the most popular, and I tell him that it is my favorite. I have this constant and unjust inkling that he disbelieves everything that I am saying, dishonest people make me weird. I make the coffee, and he brings it up, he asks how it is, I say good, really good. We sit in silence for a while, as we normally do, but I decide to ask if he wants to try what is in the cup in front of us. I wanted to be polite, knowing that he would decline, with some drawn out reasoning, hearing him talk is always an inner monologue that I've had and didn't want to. He tells me about never starting something, not "getting into it". I understand myself better, but not in a way or the part that I want to.

Nervous system.