Nothing Sufficed Although Shadow Side

I want you to know that I tried to escape it, whatever it was. I tried with a familiar touch, but he said to run my fingertips against his forearm, and I made the face, that I make when I've made a mistake. I searched within my peers, bringing up importance, to be dropped like dead weight, met with blank stares or confused sneer. Nothing that they desired to comprehend, or wished to hear. I posed for pictures, smiled with all of my teeth. I tried making hundreds of dollars in less than a week, I deposited cash, and felt cheap. I took pills to sleep, even that wore off, and I didn't like it. I saw an acupuncturist, a psychiatrist, a dentist, a therapist, a life coach, a psychic. I moved, I moved back, I moved again, still back, still packed. I tried burying all of me, I tried to hide, I tried spewing words of truth to strangers, I tried writing until I cried. I tried to be happy, I succumbed to being sad, I attempted to get mad. I wanted to get back, I wanted to grow older, I did humble, I did chip on my shoulder. I acted quiet, I acted loud. I sat outside of my last house. I drove by the house after that, I tried to replay good memories, of those people, that cat. I spent much uninterrupted time with the family, I went out every single day then night. I was very alone, I tried email, websites, phone. I dropped off. I tried real honesty one last time, she said it was too messy, wordy, sounding like I was wanting to apologize for something and couldn't figure out how, oh to be understood, and I hope that you understand why I think of you now. 

But, when you examine something this closely, and I do not even mean my life, you see the shadowed side. My mind once blocked this out, and I can tell why. I start to dwell, wondering if it is worth it, nobody is perfect, and these disturbing notions of self begin to really surface. The loathing and doubt was always there, you paid no mind, pretended not to care. I will still smile, but suffice it to say, these unsurfaced thoughts have been eating at me all the while.