You Let Your Doubts Lead You Like a River

"But as I buried your flames in the dirt

I watched the smoke pull your ghost from the grave

and I fear they'll only lay in wait

until we are face to face again

just when I said, I'm moving, I'm moving on

I felt them come to life again and again and again and again"

Highway Eighty

In my sleep we are sitting together in your  car and we are laughing, because your seats are heated. I still drive the car that I cried to you in, and you sold the car that I cried to you in (something that went undisclosed to the new owner), and you love me anyway.

When I wake up I begin falling, my teeth come loose, and the snakes are only trying to bite me. I go to work, less dressed than I would like to be, and the speeches are personal and abundant. Running, I miss the train. The clocks are unreadable and I'm busy writing illegible garble, it's so romantic that I cannot cry, and you hate me, anyway.

Trying to Make Sense

     "I'm trying to make sense of what little remains"

"the last thing I want is to be out of control,

I'm scared I'll lose my mind"

Purple Heart

i cannot bear to speak with you when i am sad.

this is not a bad thing.

not only because it saves you the grief or trouble,

but it gives me an incentive to be happy.

i wish that you saw that all this means is that i associate you with happiness.

the people that i associate with heartbreak i reach out to when i am feeling disheartened.

i want you to be a part of my happiness,

and know that i am not lying now

when i say that this is not that.

"I think you run out of I love yous"

A Real Friend Can Keep a Secret, Especially From You

 I find it so enticing, was smiling ear to ear. 
 A good friend tells you the truth, but a real friend, they can keep a secret, lie if it comes to it.
 I was not proud of my reaction, 
 it wasn't brave, hardly understanding even.
 I swore, I said "I promise" that I need to know.
 They thought it odd how suddenly desperate and amused I was by the truth,
 when it reality, it was not reaction to hearing the truth, at all.


   The fragile strength of withholding. 

Concerns of Storage

we talk like adults

who have turned into robots

we crunch numbers

dates and totals 

you wish you could provide me with more data

I am trying to better my english

and you are speaking spanish, fluent and fast

if we went back

we aren't sure where that would be

"I did it for the hugs and kisses"

Misnomer

"

mis·no·mer

noun \ˌmis-ˈnō-mər\

: a name that is wrong or not proper or appropriate

ir·rel·e·vant

adjective \-vənt\

: not important or relating to what is being discussed right now : not relevant

"

In My Car Before Work

One time you worried that you loved me more, that it could possibly be more endless than my own. I call you now, but you can't get to the phone, and I will only leave one message in a row. I understand how exactly how you spend your time in your home. I realize you probably don't think of me as desperate and alone. It took me years to see that how you see me is how I need to be seen. You've always known I was a child, and innocent, but not seen as overly emotional and hopeless. This has always been my one good thing, unwavering, what I can count on. I could tell you anything, I won't now, but could. You would respond with perfect clairvoyance and the experience of years. I am aware I'm near to useless, and too often see myself as a nusance, but this is our life now. This works, though, and is safe, and is home. This is family, my blood. I know you are far, but this is the most important thing, distance is nothing. 

About us: We are well established, local,


We can:
Print a union bug
quick turn-around
banners, pins, mailers

Outcome of Errors

 Assume something is wrong for the appropriate response

Does Not Seem to Matter

"She'll kill herself,

she'll kill herself over something that does not seem to matter"

Beyond Illusion

"Aquarius – Judgment (Queen of Swords) 

 Honesty is paramount in your life. You seek the truth and the natural order of things. Your mind aims to penetrate illusions, to restore perfection and righteousness. While this is your gift, it is also your curse because not all truths are equal and life is not black and white. Frustrating as it may be, there are not always rational solutions. In fact, how can you solve a problem with the same logic that may have caused it? You are being prompted this month to move beyond binary logic and see the connections between you and your experiences. If you continue to judge things as happening to you, there is no accountability for your part in the experience. You are being given the opportunity for a grand awakening, an unveiling of how karma is acting upon your life. Take responsibility for your choices and notice how they have contributed to the current theme in your life. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, begin to see what’s right. Your mind is like a sword, be attentive to how you use it. Focus on your own issues rather than solving someone else’s."


"Judgment

Accountability for self.

Recognizing past mistakes.

Experiencing the effects of something you caused. 

Karma.

Redemption through reflection.

Finding more purpose in life."
"Queen of Swords 

An independent person who is intelligent, rational and tends to be cool in a crisis. Experiences of sorrow lead to understanding the necessity of bearing pain silently and with courage. This allows for managing life’s difficulties. Upholding the truth at the expense of others’ feelings. Detachment from the emotions causes a feeling of frustration and isolation. Clinging to an ideal that is too perfect for anyone to fulfill, while protecting vulnerability. If the Queen stands for an event, there is a need to adopt strength during a difficult time by way of changing thoughts."

"The Queen of Swords Tarot Card
This card's illustration contains many metaphors for the engagement with the world that comes with wisdom. The viewer cannot see the person whom the queen is calling forth. What the queen sees, has seen and understands is vast beyond what those on the outside can comprehend. Nobody can know all of your experiences, and how you put them together to form a world-view speaks of your intellect and emotional maturity.


When the Queen of Swords lands in the past position, the foundation of your current situation is rooted in a choice you made that seemed wise at the time. This is not a card of impulse. Your thoughtful decisions from a time gone by got you on the path to where you are now. This card could represent a nurturing upbringing, and having taken advantage of the opportunities to give you a head start in life. If the card is speaking about the recent past, you can be reassured that a big decision you made was the best choice based on the information you had at the time.
In Tarot lore, it is believed that this card is actually an illustration of a vision of the past. The queen is pictured in profile precisely because we all rely on our specific versions of the past, ignoring inconvenient details and facts. She is looking at something you cannot see … that would be your future. Even though the future is not illustrated on the card, it is still part of it, and the same is true of the present … you looking at the queen in profile is the card's present. If this card is drawn in the past position, you complete the circle it is meant to illustrate. The card tells you that you made decisions based on what was to be had in the future and that if you seek guidance from the Tarot, relying on the wisdom you have accrued over time will be enough to get you to where you want to be.
In the present position, the Queen of Swords may indicate that a certain jaded state has overtaken your life. You may be seen as a bit of a drag as you offer unsolicited advice to friends and family. The Queen is weak in the present position, as her profile indicates a definite looking elsewhere instead of at the situation."

Countless Ways to Hurt Oneself

If any single tiny aspect thinks it is going to get out of this unscathed, you're wrong

""

Time Again

Today has been very bad. It's my own fault. I let myself become the dark rain cloud. No one could help me. I tried, sort of. As far as what I did, I only left the house to take out the recycle, that felt really bad. My body hurts when it gets like this, nothing holds my attention, and I can't fathom anything. It had the desperate, pathetic apathy of a weekday. The isolation. I made eggs as I do, apple and almond butter, the same salad, laid on the couch. I attempted to think up little potential cures. Instead, I thought about crawling in a hole and dying. I read a story about a failed group suicide. It wasn't very good. The hopelessness covered me thick and heavy. I might go home this week, I will this weekend, if not. Self-care is important and I am putting myself first, no exceptions. I care about work more than anything in my life right now, it feels weird, it feels like what it feels like when you realize something needs you. I saw Lizz and Austin today, they came home for a moment. Lizz acted as though she was sick of my shit, Austin wouldn't speak a word to me and I hardly thought anything of it. I want to be in town, for once, but I want to lay in Jillian's bed, I want to talk to Dylan, and I want to float on water. If it gets worse in the days to follow, and work requires that I stay the week, I may call someone. Real help. Money should be so irrelevant when it comes to matters of the heart or soul, or whatever. (It is actually chemicals in my brain, or the wiring.) I picture myself lying here in bed, like I have been for countless hours, and now everyone is out laughing and drinking and caring about nothing. Sarah told me to come to Prize Fighter "for a drink", but I couldn't. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I can't believe I will soon be sitting at my desk at work, staring through the door to the left and through the double doors outside of that door, into the sliver of visible outside. Getting off of work is like that feeling where you have the world at your fingertips, but your hands are too preoccupied toying with the lid of your water bottle. You reflect half-fondly on all of your passion and potentional, and then you die.

(She came and laid on the bed for a second, at the bottom, for feeling sorry for me. She kept her distance, and couldn't touch me, I figured in fear of catching this like a cold. I was just as concerned of this as she. She told me that she loved me, three times, the first two out of routine, the third I am not certain. I couldn't bring myself to say it, or love anything at all.) 

Left Again

        "I ain't got nothin left, again"

To Me

All we all do is act like, and say what we would want to hear if we were the other person. It doesn't help, and often hurts. Days like today no one knows anyone.

Quake

she had contacted me only to check
if I had felt it
I laughed a peculiar laugh
for I had been waking up for many weeks
shaken at 3:30am, unable to get back to sleep

last night was no different


what a funny reason to call

I Feel Nervous

I feel small. Helpless, pathetic, defenseless, exposed, useless. 
I feel lazy, predictable, isolated, tired. I feel scared and beyond repair.

Filled With Nothing

"I used to be filled with ghosts, and now I am filled with nothing"

How Many More Times

"I love you. How many more times do I have to say it? 

One more would be nice. "

2014 Released

2014 released movies

Gimme Shelter
The Normal Heart
They Came Together
The Double
Third Person
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Nymphomaniac pt. I & II
Breath In
Hide Your Smiling Faces (to finish)
Under the Skin
Only Lovers Left Alive
Joe
Hateship Loveship
Transcendence
Locke
Palo Alto
The Immigrant
The Captive
Malificent
Obvious Child
Yves Saint Laurent
Boyhood
I Origins
Wish I Was Here
Magic in the Moonlight
What If
Frank
The Amazing Spiderman 2
The One I Love
The Congress
The Drop
The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby
Maps to the Stars
God Help the Girl
The Zero Theorem 
Life After Beth
Are You Here
Gone Girl
Skeleton Twins
Men, Women & Children
Last Weekend
Birdman
Interstellar
Godzilla
Nightcrawler
Life Partners
Whiplash 
The Better Angels
Fury
Listen Up, Phillip
Foxcatcher
In Your Eyes
Good People
That Awkward Moment
Unbroken 
Big Eyes
Wild

Selma
Inherent Vice
The Imitation Game
A Most Violent Year
American Sniper
The Theory of Everything
Still Alice
Clouds of Sils Maria
Respire (Breathe)
Happy Christmas
White Bird in a Blizzard


FAVORITES

The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby, Ned Benson

Frank, Lenny Abrahamson

Only Lovers Left Alive, Jim Jarmusch

I Origins, Mike Cahill

Interstellar, Christopher Nolan

Foxcatcher, Bennett Miller
Gone Girl, David Fincher
Nymphomaniac (vol. I & II), Lars Von Trier
Boyhood, Richard Linklater

The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
A Most Violent Year, JC Chandor
The Drop, Michael R. Roskam

Wish I Was Here, Zach Braff

Skeleton Twins, Craig Johnson

Last Weekend, Tom Dolby & Tom Williams

Life Partners, Susanna Fogel

Palo Alto, Gia Coppola

Locke, Steven Knight

Birdman, Alejandro González Iñárritu 

Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

Nightcrawler, Dan Gilroy

Life Partners, Susanna Fogel
Selma, Ava DuVernay
Respire, Melanie Laurent
The Imitation Game, Morten Tildum
The Normal Heart, Ryan Murphy
Magic in the Moonlight, 
The One I Love
Inherent Vice
Listen Up, Phillip
The Better Angels
Big Eyes
Clouds of Sils Maria
The Zero Theorem
Obvious Child
Unbroken
Joe
Still Alice
Men, Women and Children
The Amazing Spiderman 2
The Captive
Malificent

Forgive from Falling Apart at the Seams

"mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
signed, with a home tattoo,
happy birthday to you was created for you"

Fake it Through the Day

"I know you'd rather see me gone 
than to see me the way that I am

next door TVs flashing blue
frames on the wall 
it's a comedy of errors, you see; 
it's about taking a fall 

to vanish into oblivion 
it's easy to do, and I try to be, but you know me:
I come back when you want me to do you miss me?"

Lights

“I have noticed that when all the lights are on, people tend to talk about what they are doing – their outer lives. Sitting round in candlelight or firelight, people start to talk about how they are feeling – their inner lives. They speak subjectively, they argue less, there are longer pauses. To sit alone without any electric light is curiously creative. I have my best ideas at dawn or at nightfall, but not if I switch on the lights – then I start thinking about projects, deadlines, demands, and the shadows and shapes of the house become objects, not suggestions, things that need to done, not a background to thought.”

Things That Changed

“Not that I want to be a god or a hero. 

Just to change into a tree, grow for ages, not hurt anyone.”

Irrelevant Relevency

Lance just came in back and told me 
that if you hint something to someone that needs to be said it does not resonate, 
but on the other hand, it is insulting to them if you say it outright.

Ostensibly

"According to psychoanalyst Kernberg, "The normal tension between actual self on the one hand, and ideal object on the other, is eliminated by the building up of an inflated self-concept within which the actual self and the ideal self and ideal object are confused. At the same time, the remnants of the unacceptable images are repressed and projected onto external objects, which are devalued."
The merging of the "inflated self-concept" and the "actual self" is seen in the inherent grandiosity of narcissistic personality disorder. Also inherent in this process are the defense mechanisms of devaluation, idealization and denial. Other people are either manipulated as an extension of one's own self, who serve the sole role of giving "admiration and approval" or they are seen as worthless (because they cannot collude with the narcissist's grandiosity.)"

Gone From Me

   "Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness."

Couldn't Stop

"Love 

poured in like a flood

I couldn't stop it any more"

August is Almost Over