Time

Here is the life update, no one reads this anyway, so I will address this to no one.

Work has been so slow this week that I am currently stalling to go in, it's not like I have been awake since 4am.. The pity party started Sunday, actually well before then, but I will start there. Monday morning I wrote back to my mom's text from Sunday night 8pm, around 9am I said I would call him, she said okay. I hated her condescending questions, her disloyalty, dishonesty, and her. Monday was long and difficult to get through, and I left work at about 3:02pm. I was very concerned with what I would do with my time (inside of work, but also outside), so I planned to bike to Shattuck Cinemas to see a movie. The movie started at 4:35pm, and walking up to the house I was struck with the tremendous fear of having 30 minutes with nothing to do. I left early, and took the Berkeley bike street I found last time, which was really nice. I parked my bike at the library again, and was one of two people in the theater, again. The movie was, to my surprise, a lot worse than I anticipated, but was distracting enough. I left the theater as soon as the credits began, and went to the bathroom before returning home. My phone began to ring, it was either 6:16 or 6:19 (always when Lizz calls after work), and if she decides to call before she gets home this means that it is either of importance or that she is worried. I did not answer or return her call. She did not leave a message. It was freezing and nearly dark, but I packed a sweatshirt, and sped off towards home. I decided to really amp up the party and go get some wine, I also wished to avoid home (but also people) at all costs. I biked to Pak n Save and got a Francis Coppola pinot. When I got home I could not eat, so I opened the wine instead. The only thing that could make me feel worse, was thinking about Chris, so I turned on House of Cards which we promised to finish together. I imagined the conversation of him asking if I watched without him, and me proudly telling him that I did because I did not care about him. This made me want to call him terribly, and then I envisioned him in bed with his new girlfriend and very quickly decided against it. The wine did not upset my empty stomach, and I eventually fell asleep on the couch. (Lizz did call again at 10:54pm, which made me really happy, but I could not pick up for what I had to say.) I knew Austin was still in town and would not be coming home, so I slept there until around 2:20am, when I have routinely been waking up for numerous hours on end. That is exactly what occurred. Work on Tuesday was even harder to get through, I got there closer to 10am than 9am, and there was just no work to be done. I got Arizmendi beforehand, and there was an uncomfortable confrontation between a patron and employee that affected me negatively. At work, I sent Lizz the text I had written and saved at 3:45am, and made myself do it for the reason that I didn't want her to think I was being childish or dramatic. Scott and Kelly left around 10:15am. Lizz responded at 11:13am saying "that is so vague I can't gain any kind of understanding, but I love you & just wanted to check in". I did not reply, nor plan to. I called Dylan right after 12pm, and did not tell Jeff or Lance that I was stepping outside. I almost cried at work, sitting in the dark in the back, but thought someone might noticed so I stopped myself. I helped to save the cover for the Brandes book which felt good, and can't recall doing anything else. I clocked out at 3:00pm exactly, and once I got home I realized I could not bike to Piedmont for my second movie. My legs were so terribly sore from Sunday night, and Monday night, and I can't continue spending all of this money to keep myself afloat. I turned on House of Cards again before it was even dark out. Lizz called at 6:16pm exactly, and I was appreciative again, immensely so, but ignored the call. I drank wine, and smiled at the same House of Cards episodes I smiled at the night before. Lizz texted me saying she was coming over at some point tonight, and I hated myself for thinking that she just wanted to pick up here jeans that were here. I told her not to worry, but that "I wouldn't come over". I figured if I avoided her until I was happy again that I would never have to make her feel sad. I knew she was worried, she said she was, I called her to make her not worried, but she ended up saying she was coming over anyway. She put her head on my shoulder in a way that made me feel like I was fucked up and defeated, which I was. I wanted so badly to explain how much gratitude I felt for her, and everything she does for me, but couldn't. 

We laid for a long time on the couch, she fell asleep as soon as I was done speaking, we moved to the bed, and I was awake the rest of the night. It's Wednesday morning, 9:34am, I will contact someone tonight so as to not be alone. Austin has work off for a show, and Lizz is going. I want to see Sarah, but may just end up going to Piedmont Theater at 4:45pm. It's cold. There is no fixing anything, and a lot of regrets, and waiting. Maybe I will tell Lance what is going on. I can't speak with my father, or my mother. I am a big ugly sorrowful burden of a friend. I can't remember being alone ever being this hard, but I have yet to do something drastic, which is good. How long can this feeling last? How long can this go on for? I recall saying that things would never change. They always do. I hope there is something to do at work today, I swear every moment I will think about leaving, just like Monday, just like Tuesday. I can't go to town this weekend, but if Jillian comes here it could save me. Last night I had to come to terms with how truly phony I am, but it's strange, issues outside of myself are larger than my own, so even my self-loathing seems watered down in some way. I need to leave for work, even though Cornerstone didn't get approved, no Employerwares came in, LEG hasn't called, and Jason is taking every scrap that I feel I deserve. Should I stay here for this job? I think I should move. I will not feel good about myself until I am in school, which very likely will be never. I wish I could go to Chicago and never look back. More easily, I could sit in town and trim and sulk, and be the person I was actually destined to be. Funny I thought that this would work out for me because I was trying. People think that I am untrusting, when really I'll trust anything. I need to call Scott, I can't go home, I cannot go for a very long time. I was supposed to be exemplary, I was supposed to be positive supported, I could be the best version of myself instead of the worst if I wasn't so damn dependent. I only have me and somehow I keep forgetting that. I am sick in the heart, and right now nothing is worth it. I suppose I should quit my job, it is my only thing tying me down here. I could do anything. Just last month work and movies were enough. The ground beneath me is crumbling, and it's time to see how long I can stay suspending here in time and space. My legs hurt so fucking bad, my heart hurts more.