I Want My Love to Be Enough

"Yesterday, when I wrote about depression and what happened to Robin Williams, I was thinking about one of the most important people in my life. She lives far away. A few months ago, after not hearing from her for a while, I finally received a message. She was recovering in the hospital after having tried to take her own life.

With the shocking news came a whirlwind of feelings: anger, sorrow, worry, guilt… I was relieved she was still breathing. She wasn’t so consoled. She was still lost (she’s still trying to crawl out of the woods now).

Her and I are very close. She knows that I need her. How could this have happened? How could I have not seen it coming? What did I do wrong to have let someone I love fall like that?

This friend of mine has everything going for her. She’s talented, she’s successful, she’s her own boss, she’s beautiful, she has a loving family, she loves where she lives. She’s has everything most of us want. The last time I spoke to her before getting the terrible news, she was doing very well. She was happy. And I know she wasn’t being dishonest with me. We’re always open with one another. We talk about our problems.

It came on suddenly. One bad day and everything fell apart. The pain was too much and it sent her running for the exits. She went from the top to the bottom in a matter of minutes. I doubt the thought of hurting herself crossed her mind the day before. Lightning struck.

I can’t think of anything scarier than that - the suddenness of it all. Considering everything I wrote here yesterday about how it’s up to us to watch out for the ones we love - to pay them close and caring attention - I don’t know what I could have done to help her. I don’t know what anyone could have done. It seems to me that it would have required a sixth sense for someone to have been able know something was wrong and superpowers for them to have rescued her from harm. There’s nothing in the possible world I wouldn’t have done. But that’s not good enough.

I don’t have answers.

I want to be a magical, clairvoyant, time-traveling guardian angel to the ones I love. But I’m not. I want to build reinforcements around people’s lives and hearts, but I can’t. I don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone. But the world…

I want my love to be enough.

I don’t want anyone - you - to ever feel let down.

I really thought she was okay.

All I can think of this: even when things are good, even with the strongest ones we know, there are conversations that need to be had. Ongoing conversations. We can’t get lazy. Happiness and the illusion of it lulls us. No one wants to talk about the hard stuff when things are going well. We don’t even want to think about things falling apart just as we’re falling in love or realizing our goals. But it’s important for us to remember that life and happiness are precarious things. We’re all walking a tightrope, even when we do it with confidence.

We’re at our best when our friends need us, when they’re hurting. Let’s not wait for those times. Let’s give our best to one another all the time. It’s the only chance anyone has against ever-changing winds."