Time pt. 2

8:45pm Wednesday night now. I just showered, and will probably try to finish House of Cards soon. I finished writing this morning and finally left for work. I clocked in today the latest I ever have, as a sort of middle finger to both the structure of my work and its employees, and to my life. 10:05am. I wondered if Lance thought I would no-show, and Jeff (for once) did not make a joke about when I came in. There was a sort of weight off of my shoulders, or something, in the way that work was just different, it just felt different. A lot of strange things went wrong, on account of Scott "being distracted", I say it like that not in a negative way whatsoever, he is doing the best he can. Scott and Lance were equally in a terrible mood over the calendar job, meaning they lost a lot of money on it, as well as pride. Seth caught three very large mistakes in three days, I cherished the feeling of being out of the picture. I stayed busy, and worked flowed in, which reminded me of my conversation with Lizz because she told me to do projects, or anything to keep from sitting and staring. I knew that she knew the downward spiral of thoughts. I was not on the verge of tears at all today, and did not make any phone calls during my shift. I did respond to Lizz's text by thanking her for her friendship, but part of me still felt the inadequacy that somewhere she was feeling. The work day went by three times as fast as the previous days, but I realized I could not see a movie alone because Austin had work off. He and Lizz would be coordinating leaving for the show, and I decided also that I would like to spend time with him. I made a couple of Planned Parenthood plates, and called Austin (I knew Lance was on the first line in the front) as I stood in the back waiting for them to complete. He said that he was headed to a new brewery on Telegraph, and ended up picking me up from work. We went to CommonWealth, where I spent too much money on a salad, but we had a nice time. We walked to where it was he wanted to go, and even stopped by Aggregate Gallery to see if we could view the exhibit (they were closed). I felt normal for the first time in a long time, or the most normal I had in a while, rather. He dropped me at my car, and would not go grocery shopping with me so I went alone. He went home and drank the 49 dollars of beer he had just purchased, and I spent 59 dollars at Berkeley Bowl. I came home and tried the Saison, deciding that I was going to be supportive of his drinking to get him to like me, and we sat on our computers. I had a really good time hanging out with him, and even at home we talked a lot and watched videos, and listened to songs, he sent me links to what he was reading, and I didn't act like a total fucking bitch. Lizz came by for the show and I did not feel ashamed, and was happy to see her. I dropped them off at bart, so thankful I was not going, and drove home, feeling okay.  I had a nice flaming hot shower, and decided it was time to grow up, and go on Craigslist. I've been looking for a while at studios, bedrooms in houses, and apartments with multiple rooms. If I do choose to remain in this life I have now, with my job, and... bike? I will find my own living situation, and will not count on anyone, especially Scott. I did text him though, telling him to let me know (god forbid) what is going on. Lizz and Austin will both be in town this weekend, for the weekend. Lizz is doing family stuff, and Austin is going to a Beer Fest. Seeing as I do not have a family to do family things with, and do not drink, I will stay here (and other reasons too which I will not mention here). My plan is to see Magic in the Moonlight if I haven't already, bike around a lot, and read. I still would like to see Sarah. If Jillian visits, which I am hoping for, but not expecting, I will definitely do everything I'd like to do. When I talked to Scott driving around West Oakland, I told him that I require a person, someone around a lot, who can motivate me, and who we can have there to work off of each other. Austin and I are like that sometimes for sure, but we just have dissimilar interests now. Chris very much was that for a significant amount of time I was in Oakland, and I needed not anybody else. Everything I encounter seems to be a lesson in letting go. I have come to the conclusion that I am alright with being the first to call him, I will when I'm ready. If I had any money, this would be an awesome time to travel ("soul-search"). Or perhaps being so dangerously close to rock bottom will eventually inspire me to strive to reach the top, I would love to be learning something, or bettering myself in any way. I hope this ounce of hope lasts. I cannot decipher whether it came from sharing what I had to last night, or just from being so fucking exhausted with the depths of dispair, that I came up for a breath. Where would I move to? Where would I go if I had to go? I do this all to myself which is the upsetting part. I am so scared of the sleeping pills, I have been putting them off for so long. I am so scared. I need help. I am so scared I need help.