Statistically I will break up with you in 364 days

Your unraveling mental state is difficult on my (unraveling) mental state 

I can’t sleep next to you anymore

You cry so much louder than you did years ago when we met

Coal

Some days I love you

Some days I don’t 

And I Watched From My Window

 

“You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.

You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.”

The In Between

 I’m going to write you a letter, and maybe in 5 years or something I’ll send this to you. And it will be out of context, but not really. It’s just about 5am, I can’t sleep, obviously, the anti anxiety meds were helping with that more than I thought. Jae came home late, I had to call him a Lyft. He cried until a thick stream of snot dripped from his face. I casually handed him a box of tissues. He asked if I ever think about how my life would be better if I just left him behind. I said no, I never think that. I told him he’s too hard on himself, he said what if actually he isn’t. We ate tikka masala and he continued to cry until he fell asleep. He said he can’t really eat even though he should, he can’t taste anything, I said that’s probably Covid. He laughed a little. I said you get so desperately sad when you drink, he said it’s not just when I drink, and I said I know.

What I wanted to tell you is what if we really examined ourselves and relationship to each other. What if we said all the things we thought to but never did, out of fear of rejection, embarrassment, or shame. I wish I could know all the parts of you, felt like I was learning them then, and nows there’s just more that I do not know. My biggest fear is everything keeps going on like this.

Loyalty

You’re so fickle
and I am not
You call me loyal
But never call me back

Totally Consumed

 haven’t eaten in days

totally consumed by you 

Sometimes You're Edward Other Times You're Bella

 I feel like edward when he can’t read bella’s thoughts

I don’t get you

and also want to kill you

or kiss you

and am scared 

If not for me

 If it’s not for me it’s for her 

and I feel like princess diana

I feel like Marilyn Monroe

I feel like Jackie o

I feel like a woman

Untitled

you hold me like a seatbelt

play me halsey and lana del rey

we talk like babies whenever we feel like babies which is a lot of the time

you clean the dishes I feed the cat

we hold hands when we sleep

you open all the blinds turn on all the lights

I close everything down for the night

you draw the bath, froth my milk

I water the plants, cut the grass

we laugh and laugh because we are laughing 

we feed food into each other’s mouths at dinner like those couples do

and even make us hate ourselves 

a little bit less

 I love him so much

I started to cry

I’m not sure if you saw

I wiped away my tears very quickly

for so many reasons 

Bruises last longer than kisses

They’ll be a purple dotted line of your teeth still on my neck when you’re sent away
I’ll sleep alone then
But hopefully sleep
Everything reminds me that bruises last longer than kisses
Im always getting so confused between loving and missing
The longing it twists all the memories and I’ve only ever known one person 
You’re all the same with the leaving and never going
Never fucking speaking and always fucking knowing
You’re just like me and that’s really the only reason I hate you so much
Could healing be harder than this?

Untitled

 

Something about hyperventilating in a kn95 mask

“Let’s not rush out and tell everybody”

Northern Winds

Some things I can’t control

Swept up again

Swirling

Tattooed

"Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

Oh and all I taught her was everything
Oh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything"

Are You Mad At Me

 You only ask me if I am upset when I don’t have the right to be

You are a child, and I always meet you more than half way

Baby talk and sleepless nights

Knowing no one else will love my disgusting self

I daydream of going back home

Knowing there isn’t one 

Call Me By Your Name

316 miles and I feel every inch

I ask about your family

You never fucking check in on me

You said to me let’s be friends

This isn’t that

You talk about me

I haven’t been able to spit out your name in like 8 something years

You pool in my chest, I’m convinced I’m cursed

316 miles and I no longer own a single thing you’ve touched

The blue, paint-splattered sweatpants are gone, the car’s been sold

Even if I could speak your name would anything change

It just pains me too much

Bethany 

You Need Help

“It's likе going to a beautiful pond
With the sun glaring and glowing on your arms
And in your mind, you think, "Man, I can't wait to go home"
Yeah, it's like lying in bed
And feeling like your bones are all made out of lead
And you can feel the wind as the world passes you by
Yeah, it's like you were about to cry
And then a fucking witch cast a spell on your eyes
And then you're stuck with this feeling all day”

 You can change your life but the dreams never stop

Liquid Courage

 You sobbed so much that your tears ran down my cheeks

It was the closest I’ve been to crying in years