The In Between

 I’m going to write you a letter, and maybe in 5 years or something I’ll send this to you. And it will be out of context, but not really. It’s just about 5am, I can’t sleep, obviously, the anti anxiety meds were helping with that more than I thought. Jae came home late, I had to call him a Lyft. He cried until a thick stream of snot dripped from his face. I casually handed him a box of tissues. He asked if I ever think about how my life would be better if I just left him behind. I said no, I never think that. I told him he’s too hard on himself, he said what if actually he isn’t. We ate tikka masala and he continued to cry until he fell asleep. He said he can’t really eat even though he should, he can’t taste anything, I said that’s probably Covid. He laughed a little. I said you get so desperately sad when you drink, he said it’s not just when I drink, and I said I know.

What I wanted to tell you is what if we really examined ourselves and relationship to each other. What if we said all the things we thought to but never did, out of fear of rejection, embarrassment, or shame. I wish I could know all the parts of you, felt like I was learning them then, and nows there’s just more that I do not know. My biggest fear is everything keeps going on like this.