Sutures

"Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures"

Something In The Way

"There was something in the way

Something in the way

Something in the way that you shut the door

I couldn't get enough when you blow me off

I just keep dragging myself back for more"

Guess It's Funny

I guess it's funny how things work out, or play out. I am moving from this graveyard in hopes of lessening the relevance of my mortality, only to relocate to a cemetery. I should remind myself daily that no matter how often or much things truly change, tremendously even, they actually don't, at all.

Reassurance For The Present

She finally breaks the silence, 
among other things, 
she spoke "what are you thinking?" as if she cared. 
Foolishly I reply, honestly.
"I was thinking about how last time you got in a car accident you called me.
And I was thinking about how this time, you didn't" I slowly went on, 
clearly attempting to make such simple words more elegant, 
or maybe just less blatant really.
This time she responded, almost quick in her defense 
as if she did not like me thinking she would call anyone else, 
or did call someone else. 
Of course I knew even then that she did, 
I paid attention too closely. 
"I didn't call anyone", she began. She then told me more than I ever thought I would hear, 
maybe because it was more than she would normally tell, or because it was about me.
She said she did think of me, she was worried about what the person who watched it would say to me,
like she was embarrassed or something, 
like someone would speak badly about her, and what would I do?
It made me sick thinking about another car hitting hers, 
I think I said it was ridiculous of her to be concerned about something like that, 
but I don't remember.

Don't Even Shine

"Baby take off your halo, 

it don't even glow no more."

Whine

"We turned water into whining"

Happy

i woke up that morning to the cozy sun, under down blankets and between my two best friends. i remember feeling really grateful and appreciative.

Two In The Morning

the utmost unsympathetic worst version of yourself still shines brighter than anyone else whom i could come across. but what i would do to get back to where we once were, for one day, and we could. but 

i cannot.

Collapsing

"TO SHAKE AND BE SHAKEN."

Repeat

Scene

"At times I’ve shouted out unprovoked, at the world and you,

Just to see if the people around me react.

Sometimes I think they’re all acting,

At times I’m scared that I’m acting too, like

My movements are stage directions.

Was that a change in topic or a beat in the scene?"

Icey

cold so thoroughly. please come for me.

And We Still Breathe

"Maybe it’s just as much about what comes our way as it is about how we react.

Just as much about the things that we’ve still got as it is about the things we lack.

I know we won’t always keep around those we feel we need–

some will fade in frames, some were born to leave–

But if we’re still here, and we still breathe,

At least we’ve still got time to figure it out,

To know what to do, 

To know how to feel,

Know the things that I’ve been making up inside my head, and

To know what’s real.

I want to believe that the way I am is just the way it goes.

For the things that came, not the things I chose 

to come. 

I want to know if I had any control.

I want to know if it’d comfort me."

Sucker

"I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup.
You're always made up.
And I'm sick of your tattoos, and the way you don't appreciate Brand New or me
And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic.
But when I say let's keep in touch,
I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up.
This is the first song for your mixtape.
It's short just like your temper,
but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool."

All The Lurid Details

"Tell me about your love affairs
Tell me about your moral resignation
Oh, uh-oh, oh oh oh oh
Uh-oh, uh-oh

Tell me about your love affairs
I want to know all the lurid details
Oh oh oh uh-oh
Oh oh oh uh-oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Uh-oh uh-oh

I want to die today
And make love with you in my grave
I want to die today
And make love with you in my grave
All day
All day

Is this love of ours a lie?
Is it killing me alive?
Is this love of ours a lie?
Is it chemically derived to ascertain
And sequester the pain
Is this love of ours a lie?"

Tock Block

I may know now how you tick, but still am unable to turn back time. Got issues with your father clock figure, I read it on the palms of your hands of time. Running through the sand of your hour glass only to find, this was all in my mind, our hours past, and you set hidden land mines. 

Can't Get Out

"Can't sleep, can't get out of bed."


""

This Trip

I know you all push me down

when it feels like I am about to trip.

But if ever again I get a grip, for you to stay, 

I will never loosen to let you slip, away.

No Longer

You were hardly you when I came through. And maybe I aged too and don't think of you quite like you do. You glow. But I forgot all of these things and we created a world in our heads, I got lost in our separate universes, floating in space. This dream took reality's place, and you got tired of crying over how much I adored that idea. And I got tired of crying over how much I cherished that idea. So you left. And when I see you around it no longer makes sense.

Filing

"Women are taking notes. Filing everything."

Reminder

I believe you simply live, until every single thing around you is a reminder of a person or time, and then you die.

Word I Ever Said

"You never heard a goddamn word I ever said."

Spin

The same way when a song comes on blaring loud and in that moment you just need it to go away, how quickly you almost instinctly spin the dial too far in the opposite direction, when an incident is similar in intensity you just flip it so it is so far from what you did not want it to be. You turn it too low, having to then struggle to get to the median you thought you were aiming for in the first place.

One Or The Other

There's something to say in the mutually exclusive belief if a deity or love.

Not Even Sure

"sometimes i'm not even sure that it's you"

Swallows Me

With the evening comes the darkness, swallows me whole.

And I Quote

i wrote you a personal letter
and in the dark you gave me your word
you obliged solemnly, as if you were sentenced
you spoke "i will never do that to you again", period.

A Few Days Back

If this were real life you and I wouldn't be constricted by the english vocabulary. We would read expressions and share thoughts, as just thoughts, and feelings, no words. Love would be a look, and apologies, maybe would be obsolete.

Two Groups

"People break down into two groups. When they experience something lucky, group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I'm sure the people in group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation is a fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there's a whole lot of people in group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they're looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?"

Love Does Not Fade

Love doesn't fade; this "love" feeling does not just dissolve or dissipate or wither away. It transforms, maybe even born again, it does not leave. Love can alter slowly into disgust, disappointment, jealousy, resentment, but it does not just go away like something you lost and once had. 

Blunt

Everyone else's limitless insensitivity makes me
twice as sensitive.

Uh

Oddly crippling
social anxiety
this month,
not so much
panic attacks.. 
just 
panic.

Lie

"IF I HEARD YOUR NAME

I RETREAT INTO MYSELF

I WON'T HURT YOUR NAME

I KEEP IT TO MYSELF"

Or Other Things

"How does one describe a rainbow?"

Besides

"I don’t sleep much at all these days, I say it’s cold,
Besides, I’m broken.
Hard as earth the love of the past,
The worth of the world has frozen
Still.
Like the sheet of ice collecting on the windshield of my car.
Where I caught my reflection frozen in the glass,
A perfect broken image of the future I’d envisioned in the past–
Corrupted by fate now, fractured, and fading away.
Replace all I felt promised to me.
To be the one who figured it out,
Who knew what to do,
Who knew how to feel and
Felt that
Love of the past,
The worth of the world,
Just set it ablaze and
Thaw me out."

If I'm Doing Fine

"I've probably said too much

But I've never felt more accomplished

I'm losing sleep

I'm losing friends

I've got a love hate love

With the city I'm in

I'll count the hours

Having just one wish

If I'm doing fine

There's no point to this."

Spreading

I drive a little faster when I think about the ties I will not be able to mend. Pressing my foot down. 
Happenings like these are a drop of colored dye in placid water.

Look At It

""

Improving

the only difference between me and everyone else is their "improvement" mentality i completely do not have. this is not to say that this singular variation is at all miniscule, but actually effects many areas in my life. whether or not there is room for improvement, in a person, a moment, a song, i can be utterly obvious to that fact; this is both a very negative and positive attribute. i believe strongly in perfection, i also have many beliefs within that belief, but the positive aspect is that i can be altogether content with something while others (satisfied or not), without their control, see how it could be bettered. within a specific moment i will be aware, look into someone's eyes and (consciously) know that that is how i want it to be.

Could Ever Expect

"One minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. 
A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection."




 “Crying is right at hand in the smothering dark, closed inside someone else, when you see how everything you can ever accomplish will end up as trash.”

Trifling

You're rifling through my fears

it's effortless when they're transcribed on paper

I'm stifling my tears

I am the same five years later

This House

"There's a shadow on my heart and it goes against.

The feuding sea. This house is empty including me."

Left Me For Dead

"There's nothing left for me. 
In anything."

Self Made

"That was well played - you ain't self made

You went from daycare to preschool from K-12 grade

And that's hardwiring in your brain

Not to mention the rules or the house where you stayed

Synagogue mosque or the church where you prayed

As a child tamed like you're wild!

Reprogram - DEPROGRAM

There ain't nothin' they say we don't know man

They been preyin' on vulnerable people 

And claimin' that everything in us is evil

I see them in hell then - but until then

You should chill friend 

Just chill!"

Jellyfish

"Is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with?
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you said best friends means friends forever."


You said we were two parts of a whole, and I was your better half. 
You said that no matter what happened, no matter what I did you would take me back.


"Lay your scars out in rows for me
We were one, and what are we now?
Act strong, at least
And don't turn around
If I'm leaving, then I'm leaving, and I'm leaving, and I'm gone."

Wanting To Tell You

 there is no one else like you at all, at all, no substitute, no replacement. it's crazy. i was watching people walking around campus the other day and i was just like totally into observing how they were walking and like holding themselves and how everyone at school just like trudges around and like is so hard with their steps and bodies and it's so weird and i was just thinking about you and you're different and you don't see it how i do and you don't need to, and this should be my last letter like this but just know i would never ignore you unless i felt absolutely sure that it is what you want me to be doing. i hope you're feeling better and i've been wanting to tell you that all day.

All The People Out There

""

""

Laughs

"Underneath the laughs there lies a need

That nobody is getting.

And an honesty that doesn't stretch far enough

To show us all how much this will mean to us, my dear.

And when we're old we'll tell ourselves that we did

Everything that we could to save this.

But now--we do nothing.

I've slept for twenty years, but I've acted strong at least

If you're leaving again, then you're leaving again

And you're gone.

And I feel nothing anymore, so just keep walking away

Thirty-thousand steps,

I'll watch you for every second and never feel alone."

Face

"Whisper secrets, speak in a hushed voice

The first thing that you learn is that you never let them hear you

In a soundproof room, in a windowless world

Keep your voice down or dull your words

Then,

Put on your bedroom face for him,

All pursed lips and half-closed eyes with pink-stained skin"

Five

"Sure, I know that you are tired of hearing about it
But most repeat the same theme over and over again,
It's as if they were trying to refine what seems so strange
And off and important to them.

It's done by everybody
Because each must work out what is before them over and over again
Because that is their personal tiny miracle.
Like now as like before
And before I have been listening to symphony after symphony from this radio
It makes me realize that certain people now long dead
Were able to transgress graveyards and traps and cages and bones and limbs
In tiny rented rooms I was struck by miracles

The flesh covers the bone and they put a mind in there
And sometimes a soul and the women break vases against the walls
And the men they drink too much
And nobody ever finds the one
But keep looking crawling in and out of beds.
Flesh covers the bone and the flesh searches for more than flesh.

There is a loneliness in this world 
So great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock
People so tired, mutilated, either by love or no love.
People just are not good to each other.
We are afraid.
Our educational system tells us that we can all be big winners
But it hasn't told us about the gutters or the suicides.
Or the terror of one person aching in one place
Alone, untouched, and unspoken to.

People are not good to each other."

Balance

he's got what i wanted, i already miss those green sheets
i am awake and haunted, shrugging you off in your sleep
empty gifts and words that were mumbled
i apologize for letting this crumble, and breaching our contract
but this time i think i found hope in unfaltering eye-contact
your fingers trace my spine, please please this time refrain
i mean when i say your clothes on my floor are all that remains

So Figured Out

"coordinate brain and mouth, then

ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out.

"

Hollywood

Every moment has become a struggle to meet my hollywood standards of living, and connecting.

Pine

ANEWMUSETOPAINEOVER.

Lit The Candle

"She painted my head orange, carved my face with her tongue
Emptied out my insides and lit the candle behind my eyes
Had the strike of twelve to midnight, winter queen
Left with my life rival in a white limousine
When he made her dress twirl, it looked like a mushroom cloud
Everybody ducked down except for me, that's my destiny
He used a broken condom as a corsage
I watched him push the rusty pin through her prom dress into her heart
Kill me already; fill me with confetti
Crush me up and sprinkle me over their wedding and her pregnant belly"

Bury Your Flame

"We held a match to keep our sight on the path
But the flame gave up and we lost it
And I've knelt for the last three years
Trying to find it back with the blackened matchstick


Today I'm not afraid of failure
The past is a flower
The future, the snow
I wasn't ever close to perfect
But I never let you go."

i stand in my silent room and go back and forth between wearing vans or slippers, trying to differentiate the impression given off from shoes versus moccasins. i said in my last sent message that i would be there 'around six', so i thought it would be strange if i showed up at six exactly, so planned to leave just minutes before six. i sit in my car with the luke warm heat blasting from all of the vents until it's about time to leave, directions on my phone. i thought i would probably get lost, but of course it was one of those thoughts where underneath that awareness is the even stronger believe in yourself that this time would be different. i did get lost, and did not know what i would have done to find his house if i did not have gps on my phone. i knew i would never ever tell him i used navigation no matter how the night went, and i didn't. i drove slowly by a green house but realized that he said a fence would be across from his green house, not next to, so i drive a little further and am almost startled when i see his figure posed on the back of a car parked in a driveway. i was automatically pleased that he would wait outside for me, and although it was not later than 6:15 i still was pleased at his waiting. we smiled honest smiles, but did not hug, and i explained how i saw that first green house and drove slowly (knowing he watched), and he explained that people often mistakingly walk in the front door of his house. i followed him around back, nervous but hopefully acting calm, and he told me to try to avoid the puddle of dirty water, so i did. he asked me about my day, and i returned the question. we walk in the back door and he lingered in the living room to introduce me to his roommate and cousin and i automatically forget his name but say that it is nice to meet him and it was. they looked nothing alike i remember thinking as i looked around, trying to be subtle as i glanced at all of the weed hanging, drying, in piles, everywhere. i wondered if that was why it was so cold in there and so many fans were blowing, his cousin seemed friendly, and without asking he gave me a tour of his house like i would have wanted. the bottom half was shared between them and there were people also living in the top half and it seemed they had nothing to do with each other, the stairs divided the two i noticed were almost barricaded. his room was extremely simple, more than i ever would have guessed, and i looked at his tie collection and clothes hanging up against the far wall. there was a bed and also an orange chair both facing the tv and once he sat in the chair i slipped off my shoes and sat on the bed cross-legged. we talked some, and he explained the tv show we were about to watch, he offered me the chair, for whatever reason, but i declined with a joke. he said he had perfected the art of sitting a certain way as to not squeak the chair. ugly americans was not at all what i expected if i expected anything, but i liked it a lot more than i thought that i would have, and saw why he liked it so much. we both laughed, and talked during the lulls, he always seemed interested in what i had to say and asked lots of questions, which i liked. he asked my favorite foods and specifics about each one. every time that he re-situated in the chair, or got up for a cup of water i thought he would move to his bed that i was now laying on, but he didn't. "do you smoke weed?" he questioned, i shook my head no embarrassed, wanting to say he was more than welcome to, but he didn't. after a few episodes and a discussion about a movie called mall rat he changed it to the movie saying that i should see it, and he made a comment about ben affleck's baby face. we talked about college and related things, and when the movie was more towards the end he ended up going to the bathroom, not really closing the door, but lying down to my left on the bed. he got up once and showed me his christmas tie that his mom gave him, and knocked over the fifty or so on the rack, not picking them up. the movie ended and i couldn't decide what to say so i said it was good and it was, but he chuckled anyway. we faced each other then and hours went by, just rolled by with every topic, and question and answer and story, and i felt like it wasn't real at all and i remember thinking about all of the people in my life who had never heard any of these stories i was telling. i wasn't embarrassed, and things just seemed to come up and if they didn't then he would ask, and i showed him my septum and after it was hidden again and we were onto different things he came back to it, and inquired more. he rubbed his tattoo nervously, explained it thoroughly, and told me everything from the failure of the comic bookstore to insurance companies and pizza deliveries. i told him about dog-sitting and octopus and he told me that he saw humans as computers. he said we cannot be punished for we are born with sin, he told me about his step sister and i told him about holidays and seasonal plates and napkins. we discussed high school, and ghosts. he looked me right in the eyes and we were so close and he asked what my biggest fear was, and he shared his. he said that i was noble, and i had to laugh at that. we looked up at the tv time to time but not because we were out of things to say or uncomfortable, just because. and i remember looking at his chest for so long, a once-black shirt that fit him just right. and he said he was so thankful he never had to go through pregnancy and i said that no one had to, and he said sometimes you do, and then i knew he was going to kiss me and he did. it was rampant almost, like some kind of explosion and i remember thinking so this is what he was like. it was strong and i was wondering where all the passion came from. i thought of someone else for a minute. then i thought about how he said "getting to know someone". he shut the door. he was always looking right at me, and always grinning. later we were face to face talking again but a little different this time, only positioning, not the flow of the conversation or level of interest. he asked at some point again if i would like water and this time i accepted and he came back with one cup that we shared and i liked that. we laughed and smiled as if there was nothing else to do, and if it wasn't a full smile, if i was holding back at all, he said that he would make sure that it was the whole smile. so he kissed the sides of my mouth so fast and so many times that i could no longer stifle a giant grin and he seemed proud of that. he called me trouble. he played with my hair, and said he liked how thick it was, unlike everyone else he liked mine up, and down, and said he noticed how it was getting long and wanted to know if i was doing this on purpose. i never got my hopes up, or responded to my silenced phone, he smoked two cigarettes, and when he glided back inside the door to the bed to kiss me while still standing, i couldn't help but think almost fondly of cleaning out his butts out of the ashtray at work, knowing they were his. i held the back of his black hood, and he would pull away time to time, mostly to laugh at my response. my stomach made noises at one point and he said he would offer me food if there were any at all in the house. in his absence i got up once to look at a book on his shelf, fight club like i thought it was. he said in fifth grade he had bad insomnia, and he showed me the face that he would make when he would be trying to fall asleep. he asked me in his softest voice what i was thinking, and i couldn't pinpoint anything at all in that moment, and i told him that. when he said he was thinking about me, i was too scared to ask him what about, he still made me so nervous, and i almost told him that. i looked at his mouth and his white teeth, and was reminded of the oral fixation he previously described. at some point he looked at the clock in amazement, it was three in the morning, and he said if i wanted i could spend the night and i asked if he wanted me to. "i guess i could allow it", he said suave and slow, and offered me something to sleep in but i declined. for the first time, he finally turned off the light above us. he lay behind me then, and was running his hand along my legs and asked if i always sleep in jeans, and i said i wouldn't but i get cold, and realized that we hadn't yet discussed that. and i pictured nick in the dark barking at brad to shut the car door on bitney springs road, so that the cold air wouldn't get in because "mollie gets cold". i began to slide off my jeans and he kicked them happily to the ground, and i laughed. he held my hand and it was all i wanted in that moment, and i worried i wouldn't sleep, and i worried my alarm would blare in the morning next to him, and i worried that i wouldn't know what to say as left. it's almost morning and i decided to go to the bathroom to pee, and i finally found my pants and i realized then that it probably looked as if i were leaving, although my hands were empty and my sweatshirt lay beside me on the floor. after that thought addison looked up at me quietly zipping my zipper and made a noise of disapproval, so i told him "don't worry" i'm not leaving, and i came back into bed after looking at my purple lip in the small bathroom mirror. he said there were red bite marks on my neck, but they were not noticeable, at least by comparison to my swollen mouth. he didn't seem bothered by my moving in my sleep and once my alarm went off he handed me my phone calmly and i explained it. he kissed me three times almost carefully. i didn't want to leave, i didn't want to make myself eggs, and take a shower, and get ready and go to school for the day. i looked at his happy little face across from mine and his short messy blonde hair and he said thanks when i said he looked cute like a baby. i whispered, "go back to sleep. goodbye addison."