Please Love Me Harder Than You Did Before You Guessed I Was Sinking

what's the point anyway?
someone somewhere is banging on a piece of wood
someone somewhere is banging on the side of a house
someone somewhere is banging on a set of drums
all of these things are outside of my window
the clouds turn a cool gray and i am swirling somewhere beneath them
i haven't talked to you in more than a week
i can't remember what sleep feels like but vaguely imagine it being nice
i only send snap chats to people i consider celebrities
somehow you feel more out of reach, and better than me
i may be lost in this sea, but i vaguely imagine you standing at my harbor
i drink down my bleach
and picture how nice the sunset must look from santa barbara 

Muddled

I'm wincing

and not from all the fog, smoke and mirrors 

it's opaque, vague and distant

the amount of clairvoyance I need is extraordinary 

Home Sweet Home

there's a cat somewhere on my porch

there's drums playing inside someone's house

connor's singing drake, for some reason or another I feel great

sarah sends me a picture of her face

I thank my lucky stars cause I did something right

when lizz sends me texts it helps me sleep at night 

and dylan always calls me on the phone

so no matter what we're never ever alone 

we talk a long time 

even if he's mad

we talk a very long time

even if I'm sad

I love my friends, I love my house

I hate myself

but I'll work it out 

my plants are doing okay

I look at them and smile

thinking of victoria and leo every day

and jillian is now living in la

it's a full body excitement I can't hardly describe

I love it here I really do, I love my gaybors I love my room

and all my friend-fam at home I'll be seeing you soon

and you

there's always you

I still have your address

it's just I haven't needed it yet

Sept 27