A Little Bit

 I went home with your brother - not how it sounds, but a little bit that way

everything I do is a homage to you

I don’t know if I want you to know that

Was it just time that made us like this? Because we spent so much time together? No that can’t be it. Must have been the kind of time. No, it was what time it was. Formative years. I was forming. And you formed as part of me? Am I as desperate for other parts of myself? I’m not, but ... it’s projecting, I projected the pieces of myself I am most obsessed by and made them you and now I associate you with them dying, or still being here.

Maybe I should try hypnosis.

You know, maybe it was everything that never was. I’m simply a romantic who pines for the feelings, the passion, the upset. Never knowing what we were, and definitely never expecting this is how it would be.

H

 I still remember the shape of your veins I could draw them from memory

The H on your wrist and all of the things your hands did for me

Smoke

I wake up fingers yellowed

from all the cigarettes I smoke in my dreams

your laugh

your laugh

your laugh

is the lightest, most beautiful music 

if I finally find rest

I find you

Water

 I wore my hair down today

because you told me to

in my dream

I touched you, given the chance

Just your arm, a long hug

You told me your mom knew I’d been coming by her house, watering her plants, leaving small puddles

I apologized

Undecided if I would stop

You said you wanted to be a mother and I supported that

You said one was on the way but not in your body because what you had done to it

I wish I could call you and tell you these things, and other things too

I am doing alright on my own and have other people to look after me and that I care for

No one is like you

And that is why I am in your house each night

Dreaming of your mother and watering the plants

That’s My Fault

 “If I miss you 

That’s my fault”

Your Mine

I stepped through your mine
over all the dead canaries
under all the red flags
surprised was the last feeling I felt
it was worth it
you’re mine

I’ve been radiating with things to say to you

I’ve been writing you a love letter

in my head

for the last ten years

this one goes out to you

they always do

Fire Extinguisher

Close Second

I’ve never been so happy in love
well maybe once
but it was so different
then, than now
I couldn’t say your name aloud

(this is long kisses at the airport
takeout in front of the tv
holding hands falling asleep)

but I don’t know the shape
of the veins in his wrists
there is just nothing about you I missed

now there is nothing about you I do not miss
still

I want to call you on the phone
tell you how short this life is
but it don’t feel that way

this is not a competition

why does it feel like I’m losing

Complacency

I feel completely stagnant, I feel underutilized. At work I’ve been deciding on something to stare at blank to pass the time. Getting paid hourly can get to your head, quite literally counting the moments.  I can dispel any real lack of motivation while not at work by attributing it to depression. I’ll lay on the couch for hours, thinking about my deteriorating body, wondering how long I could possibly live. My relationship is my only solace these days, I’m not sure if he knows, but I lay impatient, waiting to hear him unlock my door and climb up the stairs. Being held quells the anxiety measurably.

I can’t imagine anything in my life changing, not really. Of course it will very slowly, as it already has, but the repetition of each day can grind you down so much that it even makes it difficult to enjoy those times of spontaneity. It’s easy to whittle down the layers of entertainment until it’s just a money-suck, an energy-suck. Going out doesn’t help, drinking doesn’t help, but it isn’t as bad as staying at home. You toss and turn, waste what little imagination you have left on a life just a tad sweeter. With your friends still close, rewarding projects, and unforgettable nights. I got my groceries delivered today so I didn’t have to leave the house. I took out the recycling at one point and in the fresh air I said to myself, this isn’t so bad, but where would I go?