“She’s not even drop dead gorgeous
but she’s killing me”

Blur

My anti depressants soften everything
Weaken my vocabulary
I wish I could explain

My heart is an air bnb now

it took years to see that the handwriting on the wall was my own

How to Quit Your Job Without Actually Quitting Your Job

how to quit your job without actually quitting your job

put in more than the bare minimum, but just barely more
do not complain often, but don't engage in any conversations either
lose interest in even the parts of your day you used to find somewhat interesting
find something to do that you find much more fulfilling and think about that throughout the day instead of your current job
do as many different things as you can on the clock, and only think of your job as somewhere you have to be part of your day to pay rent
schedule at least one other activity to do each day so that even your eight hours seem like one of the many items on a list
do not iron your shirt, do not match your socks, do not care about clocking out early or coming in on time
do not feel invested or take it personally when you are attacked for your work ethic
try not to make any mistakes, but do not be too hard on yourself if you do
realize that everything thing would almost the same without you there
make as little impact as possible
act as if you are not really there
 

Get rich or die tryin

I grew up on a futon with a quilt
I was always a guest in my parent’s lives
not much changed after they had my brother and me
they wanted us both to me aquariuses (maybe for the independence)
and we both are

when we got home from school each day we went to the snack cabinet
the same one we packed our lunches out of
I’d eat chips or cookies, or have a dr. pepper
we were allowed to have anything, aside from my mom’s chocolate covered almonds
in her cabinet
we drank margarita mix, regularly

when my mom finally did get home from work she requested we did not speak to her
she coined the phrase “talked out”

electronics have occupied me as far back as I remember
I always had a computer in my room, was given my first cellphone in 3rd grade
on road trips to see our family in so cal we had a tiny tv that sat nestled between the two front seats in the van for my brother and I in the back
we didn’t own too many VHSs so usually played get rich or die tryin on repeat
my favorite part was after he got his mouth un-wired shut he was so grateful to be able to speak again, even in his soft mumble

I grew up to be not too different from my folks, I keep my cereal on the top of the fridge, just like my brother, I keep my batteries beneath the butter compartment

my lack of supervision worked out well for me, as I had nothing at all to rebel against, so I didn’t

my mom is still a therapist, a divorced marriage family counselor, who strongly encourages all others to do the same

some say I’m private to a fault, but I really think that’s much more of my dad’s thing
he always has roughly two girlfriends at any given time, which I’m happy for, given his loneliness
my mom tried the dating scene out again recently, which ended in her being catfished across the country for money
she now says she prefers to just watch the show

in a psychic reading she asked me if I would want her to tell me more about my family
to which I responded I would really rather she didn’t
she obliged, only stating, “everything will be okay”

Instead of starting to write the book
I made a list of potential titles
the list included
potential title
I love you, but

Fever Sleep: you were in my dream last night

I had a dream that your mom wasn’t scared any more
she didn’t need my help

I had a dream that you were dressed in white like an angel and were  no longer disappointed in me

I had a dream that I was in a movie about a man who faked his own death to get out of a marriage he hated being in, then showed up 20 years later on her doorstep to get her back

I had a dream I saw you were crying, so I held you with one arm but had to keep working so delegated tasks with the other

I had a dream that I had a crush on you, and it was great, but then your longtime boyfriend showed up and I was reminded of him, to which I passive aggressively called you a serial monogamist

I had a dream that all jobs were being replaced by machines, but they were powered by our wisdom teeth, and once they were pulled out we became the tooth. I was a gay male tooth for some reason, and enjoyed my first and last blow job before I was turned into a working gay man tooth. I’m about to be put into the machine to finalize the whole thing and decide in a split second I’d rather be pulverized. I jump off and into the whirring blade, and am turned into a fine white dust that floats from the big machine down to everyone below. Some seem to think it is snowing, and some seem to know the truth. I am now bodiless but watching the scene. Trump is standing in the corner, and I see him stick his tongue out and tilt his head back to taste the dust, Melania is by his side, but appears disinterested.

Beautiful

You asked me what scenic route meant
I said it’s what people say when they take the wrong, longer way
But you get a better view, or experience
More beauty
Less sense

One day all this hard work will pay off
And it will be fucking sexy

Ever Leave Me

“Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?”

For the first time in a long time I feel truly inspired. I know my last paycheck was $800, I know my downstairs neighbors are stealing our water, I know the world is burning, but while we’re still here I think we can do some good.

As The Weeknd Said, Let Me Motherfuckin Love You

To the last boy I will ever love
I don’t mean this as a compliment
but you can take it as such

because you’re still a dude
bar fighting
and insecure

some memories you hold
other ones people hold for you

to the last woman I will ever really love
you made me insane
but it’s mostly okay

there’s a fine line between changing and growing
in parentheses, I’m not sure which either of us did

I think you blocked my cellphone number
but it’s cool

actually I’m not quite sure since all my text bubbles are still blue

you dm’d me yesterday

I still love you

until you say “when”

___________

Reprise

I support a community I am not yet a part of for so long
in hopes when I’m finally finally ready they will support me in return
god knows I need it

I never touched you, just got close
as if I’d catch something; a cold I never thought I’d be ready for

I got it anyway
years late and an even longer time coming

to the only boy I’m able to love
I hope we never ever break up
but when we do I have a rebound lined up
I’m just kidding kind of

to the girl I still love
you make me fucking crazy
and since the medication I’ve been really really needing that

do you care enough to even forgive me

Tiny little gift

“I felt fine until the sun went down”

“You can call me names as long as you call me up”

Times Have Changed

You look back and reflect upon all the things it could have been
The woman with long blonde hair who you idolized
You could see the outline of her bra through her t-shirt
You went home every day and talked about her
Your mom would say “you like her huh?” and you’d shrug

You’d fault your parents
For being too strict
For being too laxed

How your mom told you she’s pansexual so recently on one of those car rides and you wouldn’t budge
You wouldn’t so much as allude to your gayness
Because unlike other truths
This one was more real the more secrecy it was shrouded in

You’d force some explanations for yourself
How you’d fall for the pretty boys
Your friends were the males who would play spice girls with you
You could both be equally in between

Can you imagine if gender had been more than black and white, pink n blue
If attraction could have different, or the same
If gays were more than old married men and lesbians were more than old married women
It was all you knew

Within the last two years a gay man has jumped off of a bridge in my hometown
That is how far we have not come

But I have to be thankful
For all those who sacrificed and fought tooth and nail
I’m allowed to love this very day
Exactly who I’d love to love
As exactly who I’d love to be

I’m still figuring that second part out

I do know one thing
I was taught by the world that my love for men needed no bounds, while my love for girls must be capped
To avoid mistake, embarrassment, being wrong, being denied, shamed, to avoid being gay
I drew an invisible line and never once crossed it
Only in my head
And I don’t wonder what if anymore

Just every once in a while

“I notice”

“I saw you at your worst
still think you’re the best”