i stand in my silent room and go back and forth between wearing vans or slippers, trying to differentiate the impression given off from shoes versus moccasins. i said in my last sent message that i would be there 'around six', so i thought it would be strange if i showed up at six exactly, so planned to leave just minutes before six. i sit in my car with the luke warm heat blasting from all of the vents until it's about time to leave, directions on my phone. i thought i would probably get lost, but of course it was one of those thoughts where underneath that awareness is the even stronger believe in yourself that this time would be different. i did get lost, and did not know what i would have done to find his house if i did not have gps on my phone. i knew i would never ever tell him i used navigation no matter how the night went, and i didn't. i drove slowly by a green house but realized that he said a fence would be across from his green house, not next to, so i drive a little further and am almost startled when i see his figure posed on the back of a car parked in a driveway. i was automatically pleased that he would wait outside for me, and although it was not later than 6:15 i still was pleased at his waiting. we smiled honest smiles, but did not hug, and i explained how i saw that first green house and drove slowly (knowing he watched), and he explained that people often mistakingly walk in the front door of his house. i followed him around back, nervous but hopefully acting calm, and he told me to try to avoid the puddle of dirty water, so i did. he asked me about my day, and i returned the question. we walk in the back door and he lingered in the living room to introduce me to his roommate and cousin and i automatically forget his name but say that it is nice to meet him and it was. they looked nothing alike i remember thinking as i looked around, trying to be subtle as i glanced at all of the weed hanging, drying, in piles, everywhere. i wondered if that was why it was so cold in there and so many fans were blowing, his cousin seemed friendly, and without asking he gave me a tour of his house like i would have wanted. the bottom half was shared between them and there were people also living in the top half and it seemed they had nothing to do with each other, the stairs divided the two i noticed were almost barricaded. his room was extremely simple, more than i ever would have guessed, and i looked at his tie collection and clothes hanging up against the far wall. there was a bed and also an orange chair both facing the tv and once he sat in the chair i slipped off my shoes and sat on the bed cross-legged. we talked some, and he explained the tv show we were about to watch, he offered me the chair, for whatever reason, but i declined with a joke. he said he had perfected the art of sitting a certain way as to not squeak the chair. ugly americans was not at all what i expected if i expected anything, but i liked it a lot more than i thought that i would have, and saw why he liked it so much. we both laughed, and talked during the lulls, he always seemed interested in what i had to say and asked lots of questions, which i liked. he asked my favorite foods and specifics about each one. every time that he re-situated in the chair, or got up for a cup of water i thought he would move to his bed that i was now laying on, but he didn't. "do you smoke weed?" he questioned, i shook my head no embarrassed, wanting to say he was more than welcome to, but he didn't. after a few episodes and a discussion about a movie called mall rat he changed it to the movie saying that i should see it, and he made a comment about ben affleck's baby face. we talked about college and related things, and when the movie was more towards the end he ended up going to the bathroom, not really closing the door, but lying down to my left on the bed. he got up once and showed me his christmas tie that his mom gave him, and knocked over the fifty or so on the rack, not picking them up. the movie ended and i couldn't decide what to say so i said it was good and it was, but he chuckled anyway. we faced each other then and hours went by, just rolled by with every topic, and question and answer and story, and i felt like it wasn't real at all and i remember thinking about all of the people in my life who had never heard any of these stories i was telling. i wasn't embarrassed, and things just seemed to come up and if they didn't then he would ask, and i showed him my septum and after it was hidden again and we were onto different things he came back to it, and inquired more. he rubbed his tattoo nervously, explained it thoroughly, and told me everything from the failure of the comic bookstore to insurance companies and pizza deliveries. i told him about dog-sitting and octopus and he told me that he saw humans as computers. he said we cannot be punished for we are born with sin, he told me about his step sister and i told him about holidays and seasonal plates and napkins. we discussed high school, and ghosts. he looked me right in the eyes and we were so close and he asked what my biggest fear was, and he shared his. he said that i was noble, and i had to laugh at that. we looked up at the tv time to time but not because we were out of things to say or uncomfortable, just because. and i remember looking at his chest for so long, a once-black shirt that fit him just right. and he said he was so thankful he never had to go through pregnancy and i said that no one had to, and he said sometimes you do, and then i knew he was going to kiss me and he did. it was rampant almost, like some kind of explosion and i remember thinking so this is what he was like. it was strong and i was wondering where all the passion came from. i thought of someone else for a minute. then i thought about how he said "getting to know someone". he shut the door. he was always looking right at me, and always grinning. later we were face to face talking again but a little different this time, only positioning, not the flow of the conversation or level of interest. he asked at some point again if i would like water and this time i accepted and he came back with one cup that we shared and i liked that. we laughed and smiled as if there was nothing else to do, and if it wasn't a full smile, if i was holding back at all, he said that he would make sure that it was the whole smile. so he kissed the sides of my mouth so fast and so many times that i could no longer stifle a giant grin and he seemed proud of that. he called me trouble. he played with my hair, and said he liked how thick it was, unlike everyone else he liked mine up, and down, and said he noticed how it was getting long and wanted to know if i was doing this on purpose. i never got my hopes up, or responded to my silenced phone, he smoked two cigarettes, and when he glided back inside the door to the bed to kiss me while still standing, i couldn't help but think almost fondly of cleaning out his butts out of the ashtray at work, knowing they were his. i held the back of his black hood, and he would pull away time to time, mostly to laugh at my response. my stomach made noises at one point and he said he would offer me food if there were any at all in the house. in his absence i got up once to look at a book on his shelf, fight club like i thought it was. he said in fifth grade he had bad insomnia, and he showed me the face that he would make when he would be trying to fall asleep. he asked me in his softest voice what i was thinking, and i couldn't pinpoint anything at all in that moment, and i told him that. when he said he was thinking about me, i was too scared to ask him what about, he still made me so nervous, and i almost told him that. i looked at his mouth and his white teeth, and was reminded of the oral fixation he previously described. at some point he looked at the clock in amazement, it was three in the morning, and he said if i wanted i could spend the night and i asked if he wanted me to. "i guess i could allow it", he said suave and slow, and offered me something to sleep in but i declined. for the first time, he finally turned off the light above us. he lay behind me then, and was running his hand along my legs and asked if i always sleep in jeans, and i said i wouldn't but i get cold, and realized that we hadn't yet discussed that. and i pictured nick in the dark barking at brad to shut the car door on bitney springs road, so that the cold air wouldn't get in because "mollie gets cold". i began to slide off my jeans and he kicked them happily to the ground, and i laughed. he held my hand and it was all i wanted in that moment, and i worried i wouldn't sleep, and i worried my alarm would blare in the morning next to him, and i worried that i wouldn't know what to say as left. it's almost morning and i decided to go to the bathroom to pee, and i finally found my pants and i realized then that it probably looked as if i were leaving, although my hands were empty and my sweatshirt lay beside me on the floor. after that thought addison looked up at me quietly zipping my zipper and made a noise of disapproval, so i told him "don't worry" i'm not leaving, and i came back into bed after looking at my purple lip in the small bathroom mirror. he said there were red bite marks on my neck, but they were not noticeable, at least by comparison to my swollen mouth. he didn't seem bothered by my moving in my sleep and once my alarm went off he handed me my phone calmly and i explained it. he kissed me three times almost carefully. i didn't want to leave, i didn't want to make myself eggs, and take a shower, and get ready and go to school for the day. i looked at his happy little face across from mine and his short messy blonde hair and he said thanks when i said he looked cute like a baby. i whispered, "go back to sleep. goodbye addison."