And when these downward spiraling gears get to turning, they grind persistently. They seem to almost speak for me, mentally, so fine-tuned, so in practice. Overanalyzing, nitpicking. A piece of work, a piece of shit, with no self control, no self worth, no self esteem, drowning, and ruining everything, trying to pull it all down with me. The thought process is all the same, I can't look at myself, I am undereducated, I am unskilled, unmotivated, wasting my life away, gave up on the good things, kept tightly all of the worst. Obsessive compulsive, anxiety, sleepless, homeless, stuck, overbearing, secretive, fear-based, untrustworthy, resenting, pseudo intellectual, living in the past. Nothing to say, talk too much, too loudly. My teeth are moving, eating disorder, I prefer being sad, I am insanely sensitive, over-thinking, I dropped out of school, I ruined my life, I can't get over anything ever, I may never find a good job, I want to be alone too much, I hate everything that I write about, I wreak havoc on all of my amazing friendships, I don't have a job, I don't drink, I have social anxiety and phobias, I have no clothes. I'll never change, I'll never grow, things are so obviously only getting worse, and when the loop continues to loop, when I have nothing, when I am nothing, and don't want to be anything, and want to be so much, there is only one thing that I have to wake up for in the morning. Honestly, the people that I love are the only thing that keep me going, that inspire me, that make me happy or give me something to look forward to. I appreciate those that I know, so endlessly, more than I will ever tell them, in fear of admitting dependency. My friends make me laugh and give me hope, my brother makes me think, and understand. Sometimes I don't talk to my favorite people for too long, sometimes I throw a wrench into things, most of the time I am just too affected. I care so much, and think so highly, and really, really cherish those in my life, however they are in it. Nothing could ever be more of a reason to be better, or a better person than that. I want to be good, and the people that I love are the only thing that stop my cycles, shift my gears, make me live.