Losing My Mind

I stood at what felt like the top of the world, the city lights glowing below me, distant and beautiful. I felt alive, and full of fresh air, in every way. It wasn't quite two in the morning, and I didn't feel quite conscious. I looked in front of me in awe, I felt the city in every way, and everything it stood for to me. I stood in the present. I begin to walk home, and I knew my way. I also knew the feeling that would seep deep inside me as I got into my bed to sleep. I went down, down, down, until I was under the lights, and inside of the past. I crave familiarity. It's just my dreams are starting to feel like my real life, and everything I am living just isn't. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen or felt, in that moment, because it was clear, unclouded by my memories.


In my dream, my dad sat across from me on a low roof top, at a small circular table. I remember I could feel my hair, thick and wild. Without sharing my ideas with him, on everyone else's life and growth, and my being so ashamed and so sure I was completely unaltered. I didn't say anything, and my dad looked and me stern and said, do not pretend that you are the same person. He said there are so many differences, don't lie and fake that this version is the same as that version here. He said when you go back there you can be you, and that I am myself here as well, just don't pretend that they are the same. Don't act like you haven't changed (and everyone else has grown up). I didn't say anything, and a part of me knew he was right.


In my dream last night I was sitting in the passenger seat of a large van, I think it was white, and was parked in a spot in a parking lot. You sat close to me in the driver's seat and I think we were looking at each other as we conversed. We talked for a while, and I remember being happy that we finally were, like I had been wanting to for a little while. I remember a break in our talking, and then you said easily, "I realized with personalities like ours, that it is impossible for  us to be friends." I couldn't be sad about what you said, because I knew in my heart of heart it to be true. I sat there thinking about how you phrased it, and was almost relieved we both understood the truth of the situation despite it not being at all what I wanted it to be. I also thought about what you meant about personalities like ours, and how you meant that they were different from each other's, not the same. I understood and knew the feeling to be mutual, and it was a fact we could never be friends, I got out of the car, and I'm not sure if you ever did.