I Can Never Sleep When I Want To

(I figured I'd get this out there)
If I could say anything to five people right now it would be this:



1. You always have this unusual way of accidentally proving your importance to me. I really love talking to you more than most people I have ever met, and it's hard to tell that to you because it's difficult to say these compliments with enough conviction to make them more than compliments. I really am not entirely sure why I feel this connection, still there, and I wonder if you ever think about all the different ways this could have been and gone. This actually isn't at all what I would say to you, I would ask if we ever could stand a fighting chance, and what you really thought of me. I would tell you I believe in second chances just as much as you do. I hope we talk in two months, and I will never forget so many things that you have said to me.


2. You mean everything to me, and it means everything to me that we should put such equal weight in spending our lives together, growing and just being. I would do anything for you, and we just are, and being with you again will feel more like home than anywhere else has because there will be no end in sight, because there is no end. I have so much to tell you. I have so much to hear.


3. Thank you eternally for your love and tolerance. My gratitude is so beyond words, or any feeling anyone has felt. If I could help you get what you deserve, I would, and I hope so deeply that one day that occurs for you.


4. I don't know anything about where we are except for that we are  nowhere. You would not believe how much time is spent thinking about you, and what to say, oh it's probably a year, and a year through. You are so perfect and fantastic and all I ever wanted, and I can't stop thinking about it actually for a second. One of my biggest regrets in my personal life is how I dealt/did not deal with things, our things. I want so badly to just lay with you again, and you kiss me at all the exact right times. Maybe one day I will show up to your work like I have been wanting and say so, and say anything at all.


5. I worry about you. I want so incredibly bad to be there for you and a part of your life, even if it's exactly just how I was, but I don't know how. You scare me in such a way, and I am so clueless as to what you want that it makes me so sad I am unsure as to how to give that to you in a friend. I do know we feel so much of the same, but further than that I want to explain so much. If I could tell you anything it would be what I think about you, and how it is how amazing you are and how insanely much that I cherish and enjoy talking to you. You are beyond a significant person in my life, and I want you to always, always be. I have been meaning to tell you every single day, how you are the worst friend I have ever had.


Turns out saying what you want to say is even harder than I thought, meaning I couldn't.