Stream Of Consciousness

Tonight's only true solace is the happiness of strangers. I see it, sense it, and feel it, and it makes me human. I won't live for other's love, fortune and success, but at the same time it's a genuine beacon of hope. I've never been happy for myself or with myself, I find it through others. I like the city because I feel surrounded by things happening, and I do not in any way need to really be a part of them, but I observe and understand them, and I am grateful for the way of other people's lives. I keep things simple, I only care for honesty and respect, and trust. I'm really just dramatic, I come to terms with this on a regular basis, but it does not change a thing. I cry when I spill things. Milk will always remind me of you. I am careful, I am sensitive. She is curious as to why I don't smoke weed. We all just say smoke, and mostly people just say curious. My environment has turned me into a mind of a thief, conniving, lying. I am worth a little bit more, and deserve a lot better than what people think to give me. My friends come and go like waves, constant and inevitable. I am terrible at introductions. It's on my list of things to accomplish before I am complete enough to die. Be able to introduce myself as well as others, as well as feel somewhat alright with doing so.  Tonight I was nervous, but it meant a lot to me so I tried really hard, I said your fiance's name is caitlyn (I wondered with a c or a k) and your name is? he said lenny. I wasn't exactly sure if he cared what my name was, but after the elongated pause I said mollie. When he left he said it was nice to meet you, mollie. I liked that a lot and said you too, and wanted really badly to be able to say lenny. it was my second meeting in the city, with names, I met curtis last week and hope to see him again every day. My boss just called me, and I hate the idea of a boss calling me after 10pm, I hate my bosses, maybe he just finished watching the video footage and saw me eating baci chocolates under the counter, actually no, jose ate way more button cookies than I ate baci candies. I hate my job because it is dirty and degrading and the people are the people who make me lose faith in everything, and I love them but no one tries anywhere and it's so incredibly disheartening I could die. I realize every single day that my self-loathing is the source and cause of EVERY misfortune and thing that I dislike about my life, or how things turned out. I torture myself with what I believe is what I must deserve, and when good things happen I sit patiently waiting for them to end. All my clothes are so old, and so worn, and I feel young and I can't take care of myself at all, which I also don't like about myself very much. I cannot decide whether or not to listen to this message from gino, he is such a raging asshole, and when I quit I hope to say something like, respect cannot be earned by means such as yelp, and I am putting in my two weeks, but might as well just quit on the spot since I have yet to get a schedule written out two weeks in advance. I will actually probably just be overly apologetic, since I still stupidly believe that people like that about a person. I'm not exactly sure who to explain this to, who would take me seriously, but I also feel the need to voice to austin my very extremely sincere concern of living with someone else. I fucking hate people seeing how I am, really am. I'm a pretty fake person, and fake has a negative connotation, I am very much aware of that, but for a moment, this moment, it really should not. My exterior and interior are so tremendously varied is all I am trying to say, that I like things to look a certain way, for myself and for other people. I want austin to see me how I would like him to see me, and I can't bare for a second to think about people seeing how I live, how I am. It's depressing, and I am depressed, and grossly unhappy with myself and my life. All I am good for is listening, or complaining and I feel so awful for complaining it just perpetuates everything all over again. jose barfed in the toilet at work tonight and it doesn't flush well and there was vomit floating in the water when I peed, and hopefully I write a movie sometime, because I will at least always find things extraordinarily entertaining. I have become so insanely, acutely aware of everything. So much about myself that seems under a microscope since I have nothing better to do with my time than get so deep in my head that I can hardly function. Everything is worn out. It makes me sad how mad I've been lately. I guess I should listen to this message. I'm just scared since gino doesn't know me and doesn't trust me, that he thinks I did tips wrong in spite of the situations at work. I am bad with math, I am bad with so many things and I wish I could better explain that, but I am bad at explaining myself without it sounding like I am lying, but I never am. It was about a gift card, the message, I'll call him tomorrow. I don't like writing about trivial, unpleasant, and just such insignificant times, things that I would not wish to remember, it sounds strange but I want to recall all that I am (have been) transcribing, I wouldn't take the time to do it otherwise, or save it, I mean. I guess the point I'd like to get across to myself when I read this in the future is that everything in my life was empty and barren and weirdly just nothing (except for this job with these people who are just, them) and I don't know what I'm looking for and it scares me to death that means I will never find it. I thought that today was saturday and that I worked (only) sunday, and monday, but it's friday. I'm anxiously dreading scott and lacey visiting tuesday because I am boring and do nothing here and have no car and no life, and am so content sitting for as long as possible on my fire escape. I wake up, putts around until I make coffee, get ready for work, eat breakfast, sit around, go to work, walk home, eat dinner, get in bed. This goes for every single day, even my days off, which I somehow stretch out the sitting around to fill that gap where work normally is. If I ever go to school again I hope I find a way not to work, I hope things are different later. I hope people support me, in every way, and I am not fragile. I feel disappointment above all things. But tonight I feel appreciative for other people's happiness, and I could watch it all day, so tangible, whether close or not.