Due Respect/Gratefulness Check

I am okay. I don't wish to be happy any more, it is for fools. Happiness is transitory. Happiness leaves, and so often is not worth the feeling left with. I want to be okay, okay is dependable, stable. I am so blessed to be okay, and it was so difficult, so trying, and it too may not last forever. But I am in an okay place, and these people are better than okay, they are amazing. I can only be sorry for how they were treated in times far from okay. I can only hope to make them feel the same. I am a strong believer in good things taking time, I believe the time is now. Everything is appreciated, and everything is everything. Those no longer involved, I think of you every single day, that will not change. Though, people did, and their loved ones live on, live forward, and love forever, the only thing with a chance of permanence.

(If you have seen me at my bottom, you are more than deserving of the top, though may never find the words. It was so brutal.)

(I just felt this so trite, so trivial feeling, that makes me feel like I am so immature, juvenile. I was terribly torn up about it, secretly so upset, by the inkling that everyone around me was getting better and I wasn't. Like all the little things were just proof that I was getting left behind, and I would for eternity be the unhappy one. My friends would all succeed, and I would be right there along side them failing miserably, for all to see. I cannot cure myself of this notion, perhaps I can improve it slightly, make strides to feel included, to include myself. I could see that I am happy, and doing alright, so much better. I just get so terrified watching someone find joy, contentment, how easy, frivolous. I have to work a little harder at it, that's all.)