I Don't Want To Remember

But I will document, so I have a reference point to look back on and feel better about the present, later on. He and I never made eye contact, she's crying on my floor and somehow I feel more helpless. He said it's too depressing to be here, my bedroom, with me. I regretted saying it as soon as it was leaving my mouth, "I wouldn't even know what to think about if I were happy."
It's not fair, I wanted to tell him that, not fair for him to make me feel worse, but even less fair after all this effort that once was put in, maybe still is. Think about a life dedicated honestly to the purification and non-contamination of this brain and body. Think about the poison seeping in slowly, uncontrollable and powerful and it's not fair because I did everything I could. I can't look in the mirror, I make it so I can't leave the blankets and the weather came, and I was happy to have such an excuse. I can't speak on the phone. Can't fit in my clothes. There is not misunderstanding it's just nobody cares to know.

"I have all but died from the sheer weight of my shame"