Ruining Or Ruined

Romantically we are all either damaging someone to the point of needing rescue or rescuing someone from the damaged place they were previously left. I find this equally hopeful as revolting.

Nothing At All

He said, "What are you thinking right now?"      I thought, "I got nothin'"

I'm Still Here

"I'm just fucking like stuck in this ridiculous like, self-imposed fuckin' prison of characterization. You know, and it happened to me young. It's like the chicken or the egg, I don't know what came first, whether they said that I was emotional, and intense and complicated, or whether I was, truly complicated and intense, and then they responded to it, then like once they responded to it, then I responded to what they were saying. And yeah, I utilized it in some ways, and I am embarrassed about it, and that's what a lot of this is about."

"Think what you think about me, hate me or like me, just don't misunderstand me, that's it."

Rot

"You're my copper and gold, wrist-watch.

You keep time and I love you while I rot & die."

I'd Hope

""

It's Like

"you used to speak so easy,

now you're afaid to talk to me.

Its like walking with the wounded.

Carrying that weight way too far, 

the concrete pulled you down so hard

out there with the wounded,

We're missing you.

Well I never claimed to understand

what happens after dark,

but my fingers catch the sparks

at the thought of touching you,

When you're wounded"

Steam

If I could say one thing to you now, it would be that many years ago you wrote with your finger on the inside glass of my shower and I loved that, but you wrote your own name and not mine, and I always wondered why that was.

The Breaks

"You can call me John, I'm writing letters to the dark side of the moon tonight

My lovely Jane, you went away but the pain stayed

So I'm sending you a package to the address where you traded names

I made no claims on the identity theft

I'm more concerned about the home with no amenities left

And it's already a mess. The dust piles like your junk mail

So I eat away depression and crush the scale

You find yourself on the opposite side of the spectrum

Emaciated on a strict diet of bed crumbs

Me? I choose to wallow and I'll just swim in my fat

You...refuse to swallow so I see ribs from the back

This isn't an attack, it's an admission of guilt

I'm living in the past, kissing your ass, sipping your milk

But it's all bone and curdle. I saw stones in a circle

Stood in the middle. Told myself riddles in a robe that's purple

The murder weapon was an icicle

Is that the reason why I'm standing in this puddle with my eyes so full?

I fight feelings like a war on drugs

I'm a chemist with a test tube addiction born through coffee mugs

Our baby now is all growed up

Your car is still dead in my driveway while I wait for the tow truck

And you know what? I know I drove you away

I still don't think it was wrong so I don't know what to say"

Tomorrow

"Whatever's written today will be scratched out tomorrow."

Mind The Spine

bite on my shoulder
monkey on your back
heads in the clouds
hand in hand

Jeers

"ALL THE BLOOD, SWEAT, AND JEERS."

I Just Feel Free

"First with your hands, then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen
You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave, you used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined
And eyes like a showroom

Now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
Oh that weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
But it's clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed
On a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen
"Everything is as it's always been,
This never happened"

"Don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did
It's just once something dies, you can't make it live
You're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
But I am a woman"

So I laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheet
And I must have looked like a ghost 'cause something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty

No it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments, we'll always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy

But if you stay too long inside my memory
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
And I'll keep you there so you can't bother me"

Glitter

"Everything that glitters can't be gold."

Class Discussion

For every moment or event there seems to be a mirroring moment that flashes into my head from my memory. The related or corresponding time often overcomes (mentally) and possibly even actually alters the present as I live it. Overwhelmed with the flashback, I freeze in the real moment, or see it as something so varied from what in actuality is occurring.  The unfolding happenings and interactions are difficult to be seen as isolated events simply manifesting, when there seems to be a terribly relevant past memory coinciding with it. 

Water Under The Bridge

Reminding myself that I can't mend the bridges, even when I remained the same the person on the opposing side has so terribly changed. Get it to my brain, you simply cannot repair something that is no longer there. No matter how much you care.

Family Friend Run In

"I hear your brother's just hangin' out around." "Yeah." 
"Weird your mom just up and sold the house one day." Yeah." 
"So your dad just took off with his new family. "Like what are we, chopped liver?"" "Yeah."

Hidden Treasure

"In your eyes I see everything. EVERYTHING. What I find in you is every single piece of hidden treasure countless have died searching for."

From The Moment

"From the moment you spit me out
You must have been somebody else."

My Winter

i drive to kill the time, i see everyone i've ever known but it's you i can't find
the snow falls slow and i feel the concern for your skin over mine

Comfortably Survive

"We breathe the same air 

it's just done differently."

Empathetic

His skin touches mine and I feel absolutely nothing, but overwhelming empathy.

Stuck

"i'm stuck with random stray hairs, from ex-lovers
entangled in each other's desire to stay here beyond their welcome
sharing the same common problem
blonde and brunette tightly knit
and i don't fit in with split ends
didn't have to worry about them taking me from my dividends
payed my dues spending time by myself
she was with her friends
mingling with single men
say things like hitting skins to them
thinking it's innocent but then giving me guilty grins
swimming with filthy fins
knocking boots, kicking my shins
shark infested water torture treatment get beat by the timbalands
feet is shivering walking on cold rage
roses like unrelationships, too impatient to die of old age"

Hindering

This is pretty much the polar opposite of self medicating. pot of coffee, nervous, but can't shake any of this offme.

One Of My Favorites

"This won't be the last you'll hear from me: it's just the start. 

I hope that he keeps you up for weeks like you did to me. 

I will hold a candle up to you to singe your skin. 

Brace yourself: I'm bent with bitterness. I can't forsee. 

When your apologies fail to ring true, 

(you're) so slick with that sarcastic slew 

of phrases like "i thought you knew" 

while keeping me in hot pursuit. 

Tracing the plot finds 

skin touching skin 

(absence follows). 

In the end, I win every time as ink remains. 

Sour tastes prevail as you play back the tape machine. 

When your apologies fail to ring true, 

(you're) so slick with that sarcastic slew 

of phrases like "i thought you knew" 

while keeping me in such hot pursuit. 

Tracing the plot finds 

skin touching skin 

(absence follows)."

Red With Rage

When you're _DOWN it is no longer ^UP to me to fix it. 

You're always 

RIGHT, 

I should have 

LEFT. 


You're blue in the face, I'm green with envy, and everyone else just read this a little wrong.

Puke

"You'd puke 

if you 

knew 

the truth."

Part 2

^{"I love you always."}
I could taste 
the chalky pacifier.

Temper

Tantrum.

Called

This panic attack is called love.

To Friendship

all my delicate precious people, i wish to shelter from the world too harsh. everybody seems heartless in comparison, and although somewhat and inevitably damaged and tarnished, their callous surroundings cannot alter my adoring and flawless perception of them. no matter the heart breaking mistakes and mishaps, i view them as unmarred, and love them as the immaculate beings they once were, and always will be to me. whether they have forgotten it, rejected it, or simply disregarded it, (without a choice) i will not waver, i live for this, and with the faith they will someday feel that truth.

Mutating

"How is it that you can keep mutating and still be the same deadly virus."

In The Dark

i thought if i opened my eyes that the sound of the freeway would automatically dissipate. for that millisecond i was in my bedroom, my real bedroom; everything exactly how it should be, exactly as it was. but my eyes are closed, and the reality is that the boys will be returning soon, at least before two am, and the washing machine flooded the whole bathroom. the air is crisp and cold and this is not my room, not my house, not my life. just here.

Peril

"I see you did. Don't speak. Wait till you hear what I have to say. Dorian, from the moment I met you, your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I was dominated, soul, brain, and power, by you. You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us artists like an exquisite dream. I worshipped you. I grew jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you. When you were away from me, you were still present in my art.... Of course, I never let you know anything about this. It would have been impossible. You would not have understood it. I hardly understood it myself. I only knew that I had seen perfection face to face, and that the world had become wonderful to my eyes-- too wonderful, perhaps, for in such mad worships there is peril, the peril of losing them, no less than the peril of keeping them.... Weeks and weeks went on, and I grew more and more absorbed in you."

Shakey Still

Putting words in my mouth. Thoughts in my head. Putting thoughts in my head. Putting letters in my mouth. Putting letters under my bed. Speechless. Saying you're doing okay. Word play. Sick. Refrain. Monologue. Dialogue. Slow progress. Thought process. Thoughts of regression. Absence of thought. Depression. Words without successions. Succeeding. Thinking. Dreaming. Feeling. Breathing. Shaking. Believing. Nonbelieving. Not dreaming. Doing this. Still.

Planning On It

He said, "I wasn't planning on it.""

Death Of My Dream

"I wake up each morning to the death of my dream date."

Born

"Because I was born fearful."

Eh

"Aquarians value building a solid friendship with someone in whom they are romantically interested. Aquarians tend to be intellectual and look for partners who can share that passion. They tend to seek partners who compliment them, rather than try to complete them. Aquarians are often very loyal in love. They are not the type to end relationships over silly problems. Instead, they will take the time to work out any major problems that may arise. They will stick with their partners through thick and thin and are prone to long-term relationships. 

Though they can sometimes be temperamental as a result, Aquarians are rather emotional. Sometimes viewed as detached, it is more a matter of feeling things in a different way than expected. They can be very warm in love and look to please their partners. Because they tend to connect to their partners in ways others may not understand, it is easy for an Aquarius to feel insecure in a relationship. They can feel as if no one truly understands them. As a result, Aquarians can be hurt very easily in relationships. Aquarians are prone to feel as if they are wearing their hearts on their sleeves but that their partners do not understand them."

"They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable."

Live Honestly Otherwise

"There is not a day that goes by I wouldn't trade everything for a life with you. There is no way to live honestly otherwise.
And I'm trying, that's what this is."

Levels Of Communication

Chilled

Every Tragedy

"The one charm of the past is that it is the past. But women never know when the curtain has fallen. They always want a sixth act, and as soon as the interest of the play is entirely over, they propose to continue it. If they were allowed their own way, every comedy would have a tragic ending, and every tragedy would culminate in a farce." 

And You Know How

"Yeah, feeling is my life, and you know how I feel."

At Least He Would Be Alone

"Anything would be better than this dreadful state of doubt.

He got up, and locked both doors. At least he would be alone when he looked upon the mask of his shame. Then he drew the screen aside, and saw himself face to face. It was perfectly true. The portrait had altered."


"Three o’clock struck, and four, and the half-hour rang its double chime, but Dorian Gray did not stir. He was trying to gather up the scarlet threads of life, and to weave them into a pattern; to find his way through the sanguine labyrinth of passion through which he was wandering. He did not know what to do, or what to think. Finally, he went over to the table and wrote a passionate letter to the girl he had loved, imploring her forgiveness, and accusing himself of madness. He covered page after page with wild words of sorrow, and wilder words of pain. There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution. When Dorian had finished the letter, he felt that he had been forgiven."

Reason For Living

            Developing and sustaining a meaningful relationship with another person is sometimes 


more than significant, but in fact the vital purpose of being. Reciprocated love, whether it is 


from a spouse, friend, or child, often keeps a person afloat and gives their entire life substance 


and value. Above all other profound impacting influences including community, or even 


religion, a personal connection with another can define a life and a reason for leaving. 

Trapped Undertones

Cold unmelting glacier, of course there are no drifts to catch. Lost my charm, besides two tired arms. Even if I caught one I'd lose grip so quick.

Commonplace Mediocre Actress

""I wish she were ill," he rejoined. "But she seems to me to be simply callous and cold. She has entirely altered. Last night she was a great artist. This evening she is merely a commonplace mediocre actress."

"Don't talk like that about any one you love, Dorian. Love is a more wonderful thing than art."

"They are both simply forms of imitation," remarked Lord Henry."

Paints Me

"Tonight I watched the lights go out in your house
wondering how I could get so deep,
and you could still get sleep.
In vain I blame my trembling on the cold air,
but I can't hide that I relied on you,
like yellow does on blue.

And you're my
good feeling.
I'm kneeling.
Inside a room
she paints me blue.
And you are
my reason
for breathing.
Inside a room
she paints me blue again."

Let It Free

if you love something let it go,                      it is sick of your whiney shit.
♥

Okay

This is the slow shameful degradation of....everything.

Inability To Be Alone

Other's un-relatable lonesomeness
thoroughly disgusts me.

But Actual Inevitability

"I stressed the history, the long run of luck that had finally caught up with us, 
the apparent suddenness but actual inevitability of the event."

In Instances

In instances of utter rage and heart breaking jealousy I find it somewhat difficult to feel gratitude for feelings prior (now of course estranged).

Flash Forward

I have this almost morbid way of entertaining myself, where I flash in my head a moment in the peak of happiness, in regards to a particular situation, then cut to the absolute worst or most bleak depressing failed version of that same situation. What makes it morbid is that they are personal events, what makes them entertaining...

Vivisecting

"As he left the room, Lord Henry's heavy eyelids drooped, and he began to think. Certainly few people had ever interested him so much as Dorian Gray, and yet the lad's mad adoration of some one else caused him not the slightest pang of annoyance or jealousy. He was pleased by it. It made him a more interesting study. He had been always enthralled by the methods of natural science, but the ordinary subject-matter of that science had seemed to him trivial and of no import. And so he had begun by vivisecting himself, as he had ended by vivisecting others. Human life--that appeared to him the one thing worth investigating. Compared to it there was nothing else of any value."

"There was no doubt that curiosity had much to do with it, curiosity and the desire for new experiences, yet it was not a simple, but rather a very complex passion. What there was in it of the purely sensuous instinct of boyhood had been transformed by the workings of the imagination, changed into something that seemed to the lad himself to be remote from sense, and was for that very reason all the more dangerous. It was the passions about whose origin we deceived ourselves that tyrannized most strongly over us. Our weakest motives were those of whose nature we were conscious. It often happened that when we thought we were experimenting on others we were really experimenting on ourselves."

To Complete Another

to complete another saying: 

"things never go as planned.. 

but always go as they previously went."

And

and i will apologize every evening for needing to take the road less traveled, just recall while i'm away that my path still leads to you and i know that; whether you do or not. and i realize it will not always be the identical face that i return to, and i'll get so mad at what the world has done to you. but it was my departure, i took my way, i am aware now that it was necessary for you to stray, just know i thought about you, every one of these days.

Grand Exit

"They're air bubbles rushing toward the water's surface

A clumsy stage hand making a grand exit...

caught in the curtains

A person should have pulled this rope long ago

Before the water hole froze over I saw the snow

The best cue for rescue is a couple yanks

Pressed my luck,

held my breath enough, 

but then my stomach sank."

Voodoo

"If you feel a stabbing feeling you will know why.."

Stop Trying To

Stop trying to prolong this moment.

It's just a moment.It was just a moment.

Nature

"I recall the sunshine as you were melting 
And though the comedy softens the fall 
They still hear us with their ears to the wall"