And That's Fine Because I Would Do The Same

"I chose to believe every word I was fed
And I thought the coals on my back were a product
Of the lack you left when you stepped back
And racked your brain for a reason to stay,
But you could not seem to formulate any such thought in your head.

So you left with nothing more than a reason you kept silent
And my mind would riot stuck in self-perpetuated mental violence
And dreams kept private.
The ambition to fix this wish list of selfish misfit realist missions
Contained within a vision of wishful thinking
And sinking deep into a new bit of
Misproportioned emotions leaking through a seeping truth
Constructed by my need to feel important
When you would look back and think
Of all the little things that you regret.
I just wanted you to think of me when you think back
To all those little things that you regret.

I spent so much time convincing myself that the rest of this mess
That I stressed within this relationship was a product of the world’s oppressions,
Not my deep desire to be needed.
And it’s hard to admit but I guess I’ve come to terms with the fact
That I just want to be needed,
And I convinced myself that I needed to be needed.
And if that was true, I would still be smiling
Like you still today but for different reasons.

I chose to dismiss the possible instance
That the lips I love to kiss could form the words goodbye
And it was a simple lie but I told it to you
And like the captain of a sinking ship choosing to believe
The bottom of the ocean was a better source of oxygen.
It’s so nice and I still chose to believe I misinterpreted your dialect 
And everything you said about it.
Your diction, your diatribe, posture, body language and connotations,
All pointed in the same direction
The selection of contingent messages postponed until further notice 
Because I was ashamed to admit the problem
And pretend your happiness came from me
And that your happiness was important.

But we aborted the sorted truths we once distorted
When I saw the shape of your dress when you wore it.
And that was enough until it wasn’t
And that’s when you finally felt supported.
So the others courted you and you mentally recorded
And endorsed the force perform of compliments you received came in
And you felt empowered enough to take your final bow
And find love within the arms of another instead of this heart of mine."

"I could never just forget her
but she could try"

"i was walkin with my neck out 
some ways i wish i was 
was walkin with my neck out in some ways that i wish that i was 
out on the bevel of sound it sounds like everything else 
you'll know it when you hear it cuz u know the way my voice felt 
ignore my tone & everything i sing i sing for me 
ignore the phone on your bed it rings it rings it rings
shirt collar ringin me out & my collar bone got all red
& already severing prose i wrote so i sing instead
i hold you put your neck out tell me the ways you wish you were
keep your confidence sound, your hook my eye my spur
so when i went to hang out, i hung behind your eyes
but my eyes still flicker with doubt
quickly o i cant decide
i'm tapped out
don't it always seem to go that
you could hold it right in your hands collapsing & still not know
(your hands' collapse & still not know)

say what it is
say how it is with everybody i know
i've got no temper for that
i send you this
cadmium red, one for every layer i shed
& i shed one layer for thisss
say what it is
it's so impossible
but if i just say what it is
it tends to sublimate away
when i was looking to drop
my life away

more every year
i shine light on edges i tried to unfeel
but we've gotta do better than that
some sortin out
so i'll be sittin on the outskirts if you wanna talk about it
things in there were just gettin so loud

say what it is
it's so impossible
but i just say what it is
it tends to sublimate away
when i was looking to drop
my life away"

low selfesteemy

  i thought i would die from the wetness behind my ears
  i am never alone anymore
  undereducated
  low self esteem 
  it's been so many years
  i've never answered a question without a stutter
  i've never met a mistake i didn't like
  and i'm twenty five
  and i still love to lie


      "i spent six year following your trail"

how do people sleep? I've forgotten how to.
I slept three nights last night and dreamt I was wooing you, each night.

what's worse?


I enjoy our time together however I can get it these days. This saddens me, but what doesn't.

Dreams Last

"I saw a movie, it just was wasn't the same
cause it was happy and I was sad
it made me miss you oh so bad
dreams last for so long

even after you're gone

I know you love me"

"We were born to fuck each other

one way or another"

Part Two

you got a brand new lexus
I got a car with no working locks no windows

          "I imagined a story where I wasn't the damsel"