“I’m so high up in the nose bleeds I feel like I can fly”

The shadow cast

you have to remember the shadow cast is mainly on him

"We could still support each other
All we have to do is avoid each other"

  You wanted a clean slate, I wanted a clean break
  We never spoke again after that
  Sounds good right
  We spared the tears
  It's been eight years
  I still dream of you

I had a dream we reached and held hands but our fingers didn't fit

"I love you the most but don't let you close"

Am I

i was born to be in this with you. it's so cyclical. we taunt until the other bites, we disregard until the other snaps. i used to think we were made for each. you were my other half, my soulmate. now you're a gaping whole in the puzzle, a square cut out of a quilt left to ruin. i wish you happy birthday, i selectively wish you happy birthday, i make the decision and stop wishing you happy birthday. you break my heart when it is just about mended again. i rope you back when you've finally gotten far enough. isn't it all just a game. was i just a sore loser?


night falls on your face and and i am raw like a wound. you're drifting and i am wide awake. i look out the window to my right, i listen for noises in or out of the house. sometimes you mother sleeps in the room behind us, sometimes she doesn't. i touch you just enough that i can get away with. i never knew if you felt anything about it at all.

redundant

Oh the fucking hopelessness

“I just keep losing. I mean, some people just...are supposed to lose? For balance in the universe? I mean, like, are there just some people on earth who...are supposed to be here just to make it easier for the winners?”

PATTERN


LIMINALITY



SPOILAGE

COLLIDES

CAVERNOUS

BANALITY

SENSUIOUS



HOMAGE

TAILORED

VOID

SENTIENT

DISMAL

ADDICTION

WHISPER

twenty seven notes to younger self

1. your mom wasn't right about most things, but she was right about going to the dentist and oil changes
2. where you live gender will be thought of as fluid, just like you always dreamed
3. you only go as far as you try to go
4. if you're worried about a friendship then work on it
5. therapy is chill
6. health insurance is awesome
7. save some money for the hard times
8. you're body is gonna be your body so try to accept it as soon as you can
9. stay in school
10. divorce is mostly good
11. don't play it cool -- if you like someone it's okay for them to know (and actually way better)
12. shave your head, get tattoos, nothing matters
13. things can be on your terms, try your hardest not to be a doormat
14. the psychic was right
15. call your family
16. fuck your boss for being such an asshole (all of them)
17. the social anxiety WILL GET BETTER will practice
18. drinking isn't cool, you were right
19. wear that retainer it seriously isn't that bad and they aren't cheap or easy to come by!
20. swim in the river, swim in lakes, swim in a pool, go swimming any chance you get
21. you aren't that bad
22. golden rule always
23. take a language, think of your future practically
24. don't worry, you will get to wear everything you wanted ie. a blazer, glitter, knee high socks, mascara, a cool hat, a cool beanie, a nice dress, eyeliner, overalls, a sweatband, a tank top with your bra showing, short-shorts, any shirt you want, nothing at all, and feel okay about it
25. your writing will be published, just not in the fashion you expected
26. that deep feeling of not fitting in will be replaced with a deep connection with others who deeply did not fit in
27. tell everyone you love that you love them and you mean it

    "change is gonna come and when it does we'll be here for it"

The Only One That Even Matters

"If I had tried to make you mine

you would have walked away

life can't compete with memories

that never have to change

this world is full of missing persons

all of these unsolved mysteries

if someone says they know for certain

they are selling something certainly

so when I set myself to wonder

on all the questions that remain

the only one that even matters

is when I'll see your face again

I keep looking back for artifacts

to prove that you were here

a sound that has been keeps echoing

it never disappears"

 we've been here before
 which is to say we will be here again

Image I Create

"when I need to wipe my face I use the back of my hand.
and I like to take up space just because I can.
and I use my dress to wipe up my drink.
and you know I care less & less what people think.
and you are so lame. You know you always disappoint me.
it's kinda like our running joke & it's really not funny.
I just want you to live up to the image of you I create.
I see you & I'm so unsatisfied."

Jae is in new york. I'm in bed. my pillow mostly covers the blood. there's fight in his blood, and blood from his fight.
he's so soft, so tender. in each and every way.

financial ruin seems to be going well

"what kind of love am I in?"

"I hope it hurts when you hear my name"

Man

if I had a Man's entitlement I would be happy.
then again I would not be cognizant of this whatsoever and would in actuality be sad.

Energy

  turns out energy and happiness are the same thing

Straightforward

"Most obstacles exist in the mind more than reality. If you encounter a block while on your way to work, you go around, find a detour, remain in action. Why then are there other blocks that seem impossible to surmount? Not much can stand in your way if you keep moving. Don’t lament about what you can’t do or complain about what you need to do – just do it. If you could just accept that a situation or relationship is challenging, you might find another alternative to dealing with it. By no means is this easy, it’s not supposed to be, but it is straightforward. Focus on what you want to create in the world, apply all of yourself and don’t be too proud to adjust along the way. Something you’ve been diligently pursuing needs some loosening up. Either physically or energetically. Walk away, take a break, do something different. Let go of your agitation and disappointment – hit the reset button – and focus on what brings you joy. A health or financial matter reaches its critical mass, time to get down to business."

Paid

nothing is free
which is to say there is a cost
and it will be paid

Will Go Down

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were"

"Day by day, night by night, he recedes, and I am increasingly faithless"

"I found the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me"

"I feel more like a stranger each time I come home"

"Let's fall
Way deeper into whatever we're callin' it
Whatever we're fallin' into
'Cause I don't really care about rules
I don't really care about rules
I just really care about you
I'm enjoyin' starin' into
Your eyes when I'm all in it with you
They can choose to watch, but I'd rather they just listen
Could fill up an album with everything that they're missin'
They so superficial, don't understand how we're chillin'
We don't need a lot, we got us and that's why"

the noises you make in your sleep
remind me of the only thing I've ever loved
and make me believe
you could be the second

I guess that's why I named you after something
so special
and unexpected

The Problem

"I feel alone when we're apart"

The Kitchen's a Mess

my bed
still damp from the alcoholic sweats,
a fever that has us up until 2, and you getting out of bed exactly twelve hours after I did

I won't look back upon these years and laugh because I never did before
I know what is funny

my fingers, the joints tender and sore
the nervous cracking

"No one can take you away from me"

Stale Green Lights

i get low key upset that he is in a patch of wildflowers on a mountain trail with his dainty girlfriend
(in our depression fueled laziness) you and i only leave the bed for work or a good meal
then i realize that i would rather sleep next to you any time of day than hike a fucking mountain

my plants live off of peach pear la croix dregs and i'm convinced they flourish because of or in spite of it
i am broke, but not broke enough to drink still water

my roommate is so quiet i am convinced she believes rent is only due if you make enough noise

of all the things lost on you, i think everything good about myself is what i miss the most

i had a dream last night that i fell asleep, and had a dream that you were in

and we gently waved at each other from a distance
when i woke up (in my dream) i got dressed in a foreign room and went to find you
to ask you if you were asleep exactly two hours ago, 7:22am, and if we had waved at least each other in your dream, too

my life lately resembles the spongebob episode where mr krabs gets coral squeaky boots for her birthday

no disrespect meant to ru paul, but you CAN truly love someone without being even close to loving yourself, and I have proof

remember, god is as real as anything else

taylor swift voted for donald trump 2016

 I found out the real meaning of contingency

The Fictional Pain

"Palm 
To notice your palm in your dream represents your generosity and openness, especially if they are open. You are always willing to help others. If you dream that your palm is closed, then it means that there is something that you are trying to hide or shield.

Bloody Hands 
To see blood on your hands signifies that you are experiencing some sort of guilt."

Same

my cat slowly and repetitively claws at the walls of the litter box he is contained in like silently proclaiming LOOK AT ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS TINY SHITHOLE

Poem First Draft

do you think plants are more fun if they live off of the dregs of peach pear la croix?

because I am poor, but not poor enough to drink still water

do you think my cat likes me? or really likes me?

because we sleep together but he never, ever comes when I call

50 cent's get rich or die tryin reminds me of my childhood, and I deeply resonated with each lyrics, even as a 13 year old middle class white kid

i work too damn hard to be this dependent on my change jar,

and have the audacity to complain about this even whilst i gentrify

people named shelby are objectively personality-less

god is as real as anything else

taylor swift voted for trump

Therapy

    Did you tell your therapist about me?

    Does she know that I am weak? Does she know how I am stupid?

     Does she know I can't sleep

we said we were sorry

  In my dream he told me that he did not know what I was feeling. For the first time in my life i responded that I did not know either.

lorem ipsum

"But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing of a pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?
[33] On the other hand, we denounce with righteous indignation and dislike men who are so beguiled and demoralized by the charms of pleasure of the moment, so blinded by desire, that they cannot foresee the pain and trouble that are bound to ensue; and equal blame belongs to those who fail in their duty through weakness of will, which is the same as saying through shrinking from toil and pain. These cases are perfectly simple and easy to distinguish. In a free hour, when our power of choice is untrammeled and when nothing prevents our being able to do what we like best, every pleasure is to be welcomed and every pain avoided. But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains."

"Fear of failure, fear of success is nothing more than a convenient excuse for fear of responsibility and discipline. The means to an end is like an arrow to a target; it must be focused and intentional. If you don’t hit the target, you try again and again until you do. Each attempt building on the last. Life’s bouquet of experiences requires the same attention. If an area of your life is problematic and you refuse to do anything about it or accept responsibility for it, how do you expect it to change. Conversely, just because you do, do something about it, doesn’t mean it’ll change to meet your expectations. Managing life sometimes requires managing expectations. Something you’re involved with is not producing the way you’d like, and while this is frustrating, it is also character building. Take some time to observe yourself and notice what is out of balance. Is there something your overdoing so as to avoid facing something else. You may need to shift your responsibilities or refine your expectations in order to get the results you are looking for."

I can't go home
I can't have things be weird with you

does my cat dream in english
does my cat dream in english

I love spending time with you on weekends
and the weekdays too but differently

someday I will give him the sweater I got him that I wear to bed
then he can wear it out in public instead

Catacombs

catacombs you dare not dare go
and you went as deep as you could
I don't regret that

Nothing and Everything Left

The year is 2017. Donald Trump is the United States president. I live on Martin Luther King Jr Way. Connor is my roommate, and I am sick of and jaded by his lack of independence. Bree is my other roommate and seems to get home after 6pm every day, microwave her popcorn, and watch shows wig her foot shut, she leaves for work before I get out of bed. She has a boyfriend or something, who I haven't really seen or spoken to. Connor is dating Christine, she's smart and informed, she's pretty, and talks with a unique drawl I am drawn to. Gaspar is doing well, he got fleas and Jae and I gave him a shower. I am no longer naive enough to believe we are not together. I have lost track of the number of months that he has been living here in my room. I don't mind, and barely attempt to keep a semblance of my privacy. It is unlike any relationship of any kind that I have had before. There is a distance and closeness that sway and balance beautifully. My friends are all doing well, Austin isn't really but I have faith that he will. I talk to Lizz every day and things seem to be as good as they could be. I go back home less. I see Alex when I do, I try to see Catherine. Leif has a girlfriend now, and I feel far from him. The tiny bond broken. I live in a much less romantic minestate constantly, now being in a relationship. Addison follows me on twitter, I made out with Blaine and haven't been thinking about it much since. Life can change so fast, and so slow. I like to think I shower more, I have a healthier detachment from food, I sleep a little more comfortable and sound. I didn't expect to meet someone so harsh and cruel, angry, at the world but not at me. He is so soft, a child like innocence in his voice and in his eyes. He doesn't scare me, but I feel powerless against his deep seated self loathing and torment. He seems fond of my innocence, the kindness I bring out in him, the selflessness. We flourish in knowing this is helping. He does my dishes, with the hands of my grandfather. I stare at the shape of his lips, the softness. He is calm, until he is not. My days are even shorter now. I struggle to clean, read, write, call people. Predictably a constant faint letdown feeling. The knowledge I am weaker alone I fear, but more of myself. He doesn't mind what I hate about myself, just like I with him. But he still hits his face hard, and I still fucking hate myself. How will this end? Don't we all wonder? Taking control is never having to guess, wait, or be fooled. I let the flow carry me like water. I let time get the best of me. I ran out of money so long ago. I tread in the water I convince others I float in. The only privacy, the only self that we have left is our thoughts, our deepest feelings kept save in our head. But computers will take those soon, too, and we will know the reality of having nothing.

what went wrong

"I thought I had you on hold"

Rabbit

 "

Killing
To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards her or him in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

Rabbit
To see a rabbit in your dream signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. Perhaps your sex life needs to be kept in check. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

In particular, to see a white rabbit in your dream symbolizes faithfulness in love. The white rabbit also serves as a guide to steer you toward the right direction. To see a black rabbit in your dream refers to fear of intimacy.
" 

Every year it is the same resolution. Although a different song that I must turn off on the radio. It pains me to change the station; a physical aching in my chest. It is depriving myself of the last tiny glimmer. You. We both have our boyfriends now, easily consumed by it. Although you do not refer to him as such, for being so off and on, and I do not refer to him as such, for being so on. I never thought in a million lifetimes that I'd be telling someone like him not to touch the sweatpants that you wore. My last small relic. The gravity of knowing you touched something that I can still touch, you, who you were then, and me now, just the same. As if just my fingertips may know, you were here, as you were. Change is just an iteration of death. I mourn your light laugh, and the way that you would look at me. I somehow managed to hold the proof that we were what we were, yet if that were true we simply could not, would not be here. I can't make sense of it, and you stopped trying. All my tears  are for you, I would give you my dreams willingly, you would take them either way. I would give it all up to touch your face, but it has changed, altered from then in which I need it to still be. Would you recognize my shallow eyes, just skimming the surface.