Close Second

I’ve never been so happy in love
well maybe once
but it was so different
then, than now
I couldn’t say your name aloud

(this is long kisses at the airport
takeout in front of the tv
holding hands falling asleep)

but I don’t know the shape
of the veins in his wrists
there is just nothing about you I missed

now there is nothing about you I do not miss
still

I want to call you on the phone
tell you how short this life is
but it don’t feel that way

this is not a competition

why does it feel like I’m losing

Complacency

I feel completely stagnant, I feel underutilized. At work I’ve been deciding on something to stare at blank to pass the time. Getting paid hourly can get to your head, quite literally counting the moments.  I can dispel any real lack of motivation while not at work by attributing it to depression. I’ll lay on the couch for hours, thinking about my deteriorating body, wondering how long I could possibly live. My relationship is my only solace these days, I’m not sure if he knows, but I lay impatient, waiting to hear him unlock my door and climb up the stairs. Being held quells the anxiety measurably.

I can’t imagine anything in my life changing, not really. Of course it will very slowly, as it already has, but the repetition of each day can grind you down so much that it even makes it difficult to enjoy those times of spontaneity. It’s easy to whittle down the layers of entertainment until it’s just a money-suck, an energy-suck. Going out doesn’t help, drinking doesn’t help, but it isn’t as bad as staying at home. You toss and turn, waste what little imagination you have left on a life just a tad sweeter. With your friends still close, rewarding projects, and unforgettable nights. I got my groceries delivered today so I didn’t have to leave the house. I took out the recycling at one point and in the fresh air I said to myself, this isn’t so bad, but where would I go?