Scounge

Scrounging for positive change.

Couldn't Hold Onto Her

"Sickened to my 

inflated stomach. The baby in me is kicking

buckets,

and I'm jaded from it."

Rip Off

It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over. 
Rip off the last of ban-aid. Quick.

Bloody Sap

A booby trap. A booty call. This isn't love. But still I fall.

To Withstand The Force Of Storms

"Oh god, there is no excuse for me.



I still love you.




But I don't love myself."

It Means Something To Them

Pretend it means same as sex to an outsider

To My

the red pen marks, the brown dog barks, and i'm listless, a little too anti-religious. i wish to tell you right in that instant, "i miss this". tight lips shaking fists, and i'd smile if i could too distracted by my thoughts to my hips. i begin to say you're too much to risk 
but stop because you get the jest.

Will We Ever

"No, this might be the last time I see you."                        "No, will we ever be okay?"

Unless It's Someone You Really Like

"IT'S EASY TO GET SOMEONE TO LIKE YOU, 
UNLESS IT'S SOMEONE YOU REALLY LIKE."

With My

"With my broken heart, and my absent God."
_______________________________________
"I'll be free."

I Got A Letter

"And then one day I got a letter, saying, finally, "we shouldn't consider ourselves lovers, I'm distracted with the wife, as much as I love you. So my heart was broken. "Dear Allen, what you say is honestly what I've been doing or striving for all my life. Therein lies our, or my confused sense of closeness. Also I fear therein lies our strength of tie to each other. I say "I fear" for I really don't know how much I can be satisfied to love you. I mean 'bodily.' You know, I sometimes dislike pricks and men and before you had consciously forced myself to be homosexual. You meant so much to me. I now feel I was forcing a desire for you bodily for everything you were giving me.............I want a girl, go to college, see all and do all and become truly straight, so please Allen give this a good deal of thought."

Facts Memories Anedotes

"Who talked continuously for 70 hours from park to pad to bar to Bellevue to museum to the Brooklyn Bridge. A lost battalion of Platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon, yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars, whole intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the Synagogue cast on the pavement, who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey leaving a trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic City Hall."

Mundane

Dismal.

There Is No

There is no God.

There is no Love.

Today is still a good day.

Might Have Been

You know that feeling where you've been staring at something for so long you lose sight of everything else going on around it? 
Spaced out until something comes along and snaps you back to "reality"? That's how the past year might have been..

Continues Though

At some point my life lost 

continuity, 

for myself the most.

Shake

Do 
you 
see 
me
shaking? 


Can 
you 
hear 
it?

Young

""

Rusty

EVERYTHING I ONCE LOVED IS RUSTED, AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK.
 IT WILL NEVER SHINE AGAIN. 

So Sinking

strange sinking sentiment,
our personal private paragraphs or pronounces,
_{with one-another what would we even whisper now?}

Two

"Somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: 
whose texture compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands"

Honest Is How

“Honest is how I want to look. 

The truth doesn’t glitter and shine.”

To Be

""

Self-Slaughter

n.

1. The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself.
2. The destruction or ruin of one's own interests: It is professional suicide to involve oneself in illegal practices.
3. One who commits suicide.

You Tucked Me

Into My Death Bed.

Line

And maybe I stopped respecting that thin blurry line between adoration and despise, I like to think the choice wasn't mine. 
But I can remember the last time I awoke this mortified.

Capacity

""

Cupped

Like water cupped in two hands as pure, 
love eventually leaks with time, and with the feeling of every drop the muscles clench tighter then, improving but nothing, worsening matters.

Morning

"But every shadow no matter how deep is threatened by morning light."

Time

January February March, 

I felt you leaving and you were never even here to start, 

April May June July, 

I will love this hopelessly until I die.

Damaged Goods

"You know that hope you're holding to? It looks an awful lot like fear.
Now, you're so quick to fall on failure, and so quick to raise your voice, like, 
'If I can't find a mistake to blame, we didn't have a choice.'
Oh, but you had option.
I was your chance to feel complete, 
But when I leaned in close to you, you
Kissed your fear instead of me.


You had my hand in your hand, 

You had my lip in your teeth, 

You had my heart on your sleeve, 

You had a chance to breathe.

But, boy, you wouldn't let your fear recede so I moved on.
And it's too late to change your mind now, 
You got scared, boy, and I got gone."

No Meaning

"and i feel as if you're trying to over analyze

everything just is

and we just are

no, honestly

like things happen

we do what we do

and everything just is

we love who we love

we talk how we talk

there's no meaning behind any of it"

"let go
when you think about it
there's nothing to let go of

we are trained to think that there is
that we have so much to lose"

Have To Let You Go

"I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go."


"I can't stay with her anymore because she doesn't exist."
"I'm the only thing you do believe in anymore."
"I wish. I wish more than anything. But I can't imagine you with all your complexity, all you perfection, all your imperfection. Look at you. You are just a shade of my real wife. You're the best I can do; but I'm sorry, you are just not good enough."

Parental

"Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need something." 

Fake Fake Real

So I've learned and observed if you fake something for long enough, it's no longer faking it.

Not Working

I stand here at work, relaxed and thoughtful. Drinking a large coffee with too much flavor and flipping through a magazine article not so well written, resenting the hell out of my job.

Sleep More, Sleepless

It's quite tranquil being this truly sleepless. Everything is dream-like, and being in this romantic mindset most events turn completly naturally into a poem or precious sentimental moments to cherish forever.

Documenting

Why I want to remember this moment I don't know right now.

But I'm laying on the white pull out couch in my living room, that is blue and floral when a bed, 
the message began with her name and a comma, and remained nothing more than that for quite some time. Finally I typed out some sappy bullshit too honest and careful, "not to bother" it began, and "don't forget" it concluded. I contemplated momentarily about adding "me" to the end of that statement, overly personal, I decided. Alex is asking if I am done, wanted to know what it is I said. I reply to her too candidly, using the words romantic and too embarrassing. I expected no response, and say that truthfully (this time), I got no reply, verbally at least. Alex's phone goes off and she mumbles the text she received aloud for either her or I. All I really comprehended was "come get me"  and whether I was more pleased about her saying or the action of doing so, I am not entirely certain. She calls my house "Scott's" in front of me, she left abruptly saying, "maybe" in reference to seeing me. She told me to come outside as they smoked, she laid next to me, before she left she said "as if I don't feel bad enough leaving".

Give To You

and if I somehow obtained an ounce of self confidence I would give it to him before taking it see, I know it's a want but for him it's a need, and additionally, it would be too drastic a change for me.

Up Close

The People That I Like

the point i am trying to get across is that i love and adore people more than others do. perhaps "more" isn't the exactitude i was hoping for, maybe "deeper" or even "more thoroughly" is what i am trying to say. but i know this is true; i watch best friends and lovers, people with any connection interact, i listen how they talk to and about each other and it isn't the same. this isn't exactly about details, for anyone can pay attention to  and observe some one else. but like i said, adoring. this is about someone looking around my kitchen before they ask me where the clean cups go to dry, not simply asking to feel the moment of appreciation after they tell me that they washed their own mug. this is about feelings about someone's voice, and the look on their face when they think no one is looking at them. gestures, eye contact, volume, waiting for people to get out of the car, asking an hour later if their phone is working any better, follow-up, remembering. 

Kiss Me One Last Time

"SO KISS ME ONE LAST TIME
I WILL ROLL OFF YOUR TONGUE LIKE A WHISPER."