Totem Poem

and if i could write something somewhat beautiful this is exactly when i should

because i guess if someone deserved it this is the person that would
months later and i still can't stomach this, i'll continue to hold the phone, until i get the guts to call
the debate is a nightly decision, even when i think i don't want to talk to anyone at all
seriously nervous that someone might answer, almost a joke to think that she will,
my shyness was always so tongue in cheek
against all odds if it was what that person wanted, i'm afraid i'd be too anxious to speak
if i got that machine as i often did, i would drawl out some scared but honest admittance
i in no way expect love in return, but sincerely would hope for some forgiveness
i'd tell of how no other friendships have proved to matter,
although, it was somehow never something that she was able to witness
how when i am with a group of people my mind just wanders, and i miss this
how i've scrawled on receipts, scraps, and college rule about her significance
how i have wanted to tell her of all the embarrassing things that i have realized;
how i'd felt almost idle since i sat outside of her house by myself and cried
but this message wasn't one meant to be sad, and sorrowful
though i suppose without this person i have been meaning to tell this person how i feel somewhat hollow
how when she's gone it's difficult to believe that our friendship was so real, and true

how i've just been killing time lately, like there was absolutely nothing else to do
how i'll think all day if maybe she thought that i was distracted and didn't remember to try
i just need one moment in that person's mind, i want to be sure for myself that she in actuality cut the ties
maybe she'll recall how i feel increasingly tangled the more i feel deprived
but i lived like it was a ritual, and for that i am sometimes empty inside
this was never mutual, and for that all these feelings are simply mine
though i found that this person was able to ignore me a day for every feeling of hers that she could so tactfully hide
sometimes i got bitter that someone could care for mine one day and the next be so completely done,
i get so close to telling that person how i've really been having so much fun, i guess that's what you call an eye for an eye
i tell myself that you can't still be speechless after yet another leaves you so high and dry,
putting my heart into something again isn't worth so much as a goodbye
but i have learned from my mistakes, after some time, i'm alive, and ready to try
i'm ready to pick up the phone, and i just hope now i am ready to say hi