It's Fine

i love you so much i bite my tongue till it bleeds, i love you so much i clench my stomach till it heaves. i love you so much i reach for you nightly in my sleep, i love you so. i love you so much it drives me insane, i love you so much i can no longer speak your name. i miss your teeth, i miss your veins, i miss whimper, i miss your whisper, you are as hot as summer, as cold as the right side of my bed. i love you so much i look for you in the street, or when my phone buzzes, i look for you in me, and my future-husbands. i love you so much i nearly burst at the seams, i love you so much i forgot what anything else means, i love you so much it makes me clean, i love you so much i cry and i scream, i laugh and i beam, i miss your dark freckles and your light hair, i love you so much that no one else compares, i love you so much this could never end, i love you so, my best friend.

"my life is no longer mine"

Sitting in the Shower

At Stake

    
     "lucky in my loss, 
     knowing what was at stake"

Rejection

 what is anything?

 my body rejects me
 and i sit and wait for the outcome

 i ask her if her car has any sentimental value
 she says no and i try to believe her

One Million, Billion

I miss the way your face moves when you talk

I would watch your lips

your teeth

I was alive, I was learning, I was living

not anymore 

not anymore

nothing I could write in one million years or one billion words could compare in the slightest to your breathtaking beauty

especially with my eyes closed

Rummage

rummaging through the tupperware cabinet

in a sweatsuit 

you said you would take a picture of me in my element

if you had your phone 

my hobbies include

victimless crimes

"We fucked till we had enough.


You made phone calls and I threw up.


And I made a mess of waking up.


Tripped on bed sheets and you made a fuss.


And I woke to find your tired arms, wrapped around me as you raised alarms.

And love, make it easy on me.


I’ve just enough to fall asleep.


And love, take it easy on me.


I’m older now and long to be 
twenty-three."

I listen to the song girl by the internet on repeat.

before that I was reading a short zine.

connor was dancing with his arms in the middle of my room and smiled a little, knowing I was taping it.

today my production manager asked me (as small talk) what I would do to change (specifically improve) myself. I thought for a moment then responded that it's frustrating for me not being better and faster at things, he responded back that that isn't his fault. but agreed I was slow and ill-equipped. 

sarah and I snap, then email, then text, it comforts me.

I feed seymour (the stray) two different things and put out water, we sit by each other for a while until he hears something. 

I do 3-4~ loads of laundry continuously, vaccuum a lot but do not touch the dishes.

lizz asks if we can get me a kitten soon and I reply in my usual obtuse and suspicious way.

I sip a hell or high watermelon and every gulp think about how delicious it tastes to me. 

it is 10pm and I plan to: read, do proofing for work, finish laundry, order things online, submit to holly's zine, see what connor sent me, talk to jillian, brush my teeth, fill out kaiser financial assistance form, make facial appt, watch 1~2 movies, vote, and do my nails.