I'm on a plane

on the plane I debated with myself, on a surface level, whether I should begin an adderal addiction, or a xanax dependency. I couldn't take up both (at least not at the same time) for various reasons, let alone the costs and difficulty to obtain, so would have to choose. the adderal would help with work, art and general, menial productivity, while the xanax is better suited for my personality and lifestyle, I see it deterring me from energetically excelling at work, art and general menial productivity. I thought about who to purchase these from; kaiser would be most cost effective but least reckless feeling, and a lack of control seemed attractive (especially in serious attempts to get my life in order). what is turbulence, is it clouds? why was this landing so bumpy? clouds don't even live this low. I guess sometimes things live lower than they were intended, or they, themselves intended. I want to feel so low I can call you from rock bottom and just the echo itself will shake you permanently.