I like thinking about melancholy as a big black dog
as it has been described
your companion always close at your side
imagining this dog, dark and unwavering
brings me a very specific sort of peace

my body does this thing where it opposite of dissociates
where I really know how mine it is

some days I’m so certain we are communicating in a hidden secret language
of memories and lost love
other days I remember we’re just posting dumb shit to our stories

my whole life I’ve shied away from labels
I didn’t want to be anything, or anything to be boxed in
once I got health insurance and showed up to kaiser I shed all my morals

yes I am a 27 YEAR OLD CISHET WHITE FEMALE WITH CLINICAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

are you able to waive my copay?

you do this thing now where if I won’t get off my phone or look at you
you ask me what I’m doing on my phone and it gets me excited and happy for a moment as I describe it to you and then can go back to my phone

I still can’t really pronounce the word cullingigus

I heard one time in a movie if you act out all of the symptoms of crying it’s the best way to get yourself to cry for real
so I tried for a while and it sort of worked
but I didn’t feel any better

I like to feel like the FBI agent assigned to me is mildly entertained

in all situations “read the room” is good advice I try to convince myself to take
but cut to me at karaoke night 5 minutes and 9 seconds in to welcome to the black parade

I think about you seeing me after all this time
and asking me how I ended up
with this car

do you think when moviepass was founded 11 years ago
that if stacy and hamet were able to see what it became today
that they wouldn’t have started it at all

I’ve been wondering that about a lot of things