entry 1

complaining about not wanting to go to hawaii but 'having' to go is the whiteness most privledgey thing ever. i know. i think my reasons are good reasons but of course i do.

the last hour+ of my workdays consist of nothingness. i wish they consisted of work, honestly. i did filing already, i did billing, i did follow-up emails. anyway, i figured i should write something, as i have nearly half an hour to go. work is the only thing that makes me realize my time is worth something, because i could clock out now and lose nine something dollars, but i really need nine something dollars.

today i will clock out, print as close to 25 zines as i can, they are 2-up so like 12 something zines would be great. they're due thursday. friday we leave for hawaii. lizz asked if calling hawaii just hawaii was problematic and sam said no. yesterday was sam's birthday. wait no saturday was sam's birthday. we went to alameda beach, me and sam and jae and lizz and sarah. his friends met us there. judy and deo, then julia and stephi, then dorsey and louis and lindsey and others. i got in the water but did not go under because the wind was cold, the water was warm though. the conversations were nice, jae kept me warm and read his book about racism (and gender?) after the beach we all went home, then we did dinner kinda separately (jae and i missed hella vegan eats dinner and ended up at blind tiger) then we all reconvened at port. everyone was at the corner of the bar when we walked in, sam and dorsey were talking in one of the hallways. jae and i danced a lot but not all over each other, which everyone. lizz danced with us until ronnie wanted to go home. sarah left as soon as she could. sam and dorsey talked with each other almost the whole time. dorsey and lindsey when she showed up all danced. the dj somehow had his playlist hooked up on the tv so like dance versions of the music videos played, too.

dorsey and sam were standing at the exit when we went to leave, jae suggested part two and i was up for it. we went to miranda bar which was really dark and really loud, jae picked two drinks and we sat across from each other in the back and talked a lot. we had really good/personal conversations. he really thinks about everything and i love that. we tried to lyft home but the guy couldnt find us cause the app wasn't working. we cancelled the ride and got another. it was the same guy. i called him a second time and said 18th and broadway. turns out there is no 18th and broadway. his name was alvin i think and he was super nice. i even tipped.

sunday i was unwell like in the stomach and head, we slept in really late then jae and i ran errands. i went bathing suit shopping at target and stuff. we went to trader joe's and ran into lizz outside petco. my neck was real bad when i got home so i whined and slept and wimpered and put on cbd cream and jae massaged me. later he got round table pizza because i told him it sounded good. he got pineapple pizza even though he wanted basil mushroom pizza. he had never had the garlic twists before. his phone died after he ordered and he also put in the wrong address. it was definitely after midnight when he sorted it all out. we watched sharp objects and i have no idea if jae is that interested in it. he always suggests it but i think he does for me. he told me he'd move to new york with me if i moved there, not because i would but because he wanted me to know that he would, with me.

we've been getting along really well, he's drinking some but it's fine. i forgot i told him i'd stay at his place. i need to do that. we have a nice time laying at the beach and not talking, and dancing, and running errands, and lying in bed for many hours. we get along better than that i ever had with most people. we're both a small part self-interested but mostly just watching and paying attention to the other.

today is monday and i stayed in bed too long this morning cause the late eating/late going to bed/sleeping pills. i got to work and it was busy-ish which was nice, since it's been so incredibly slow. sometimes i feel guilty for wasting all this time towards the end of most days, sometimes i don't. if i made more money i like to think i'd 1. try harder 2. clock out sooner. i hope this is true.

hopefully i'll write more in HI. i am looking forward to it some, i haven't relaxed in a while. i'll be stressed some about plans and stuff, and staying with the burkes, and money. but not that much compared to normal life. jae is watching gaspar which is great, it's the only reason i wouldn't want him to go. august is usually worse than this honestly, i mean i guess it's been pretty bad. i need to call my brother. i am going to go clock out. tonight i am giving peter his job finally, then i am going tanning with lizz. oh, mailing holly and sarah before that - maybe. i keep thinking about that pizza, my stress-eating has been bad, and preemptive. i'll make a to-do list here soon and it will make me feel better. i'll start it now:

1. mail allie beer
2. email unity about zines (and trading inks?)
3. get nails done?
4. do laundry before i go
5. backayrd
6. give dylan money
7.