Seconds

I get lonely late at night, minutes, maybe seconds before I am about to fall into slumber. Some nights are not as bad, some are subtly unbearable. Some nights I reach for my phone, some nights I reach for a pillow. I don't need a single being all day, and suddenly I'm tired, and so weak from longing that my body cannot move while my mind is running a marathon. My thoughts are organized this late, they become lists and categories instead of a stream, or vaguely connected branches. I have woken up with this feeling, and it deteriorates with time, or I just decide to sleep again. I'm not sure if there is a constant, considering that I can recall times where I wasn't even alone. The source is distant, but fairly determined. Sometimes the strange void is filled, but I know when it is not completely, in the moment. I think I just made this all up.