Trying to differentiate observation from caring.
A love story
-
A Love Story, if told correctly, will do nothing less than ruin your heart.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Your Diary
"Your writing, you walking down the street, your whole life shows in every physical action. How you hold your shoulders, Angel says. It's all art. What you do with your hands, you're always blabbing your life story."
Re-create
"Whispering, Angel says, "If emotion can create a physical action, then duplicating the physical action can re-create the emotion""
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Lemonade
"Some day, God willing, you'll open up your eyes and take Misty in your arms and kiss her, your loving wife, and here will be all your lost years, written here in loving detail, all the details of your kids growing up and your wife longing for you, and you can sit under a tree with a nice lemonade and have a nice time catching up.
Your mother Grace Wilmot, she needs to wake up from her own kind of coma.
Dear sweet Peter. Can you feel this?
Everyone's in their own personal coma."
"You have endless ways you can commit suicide without dying dying."
Your mother Grace Wilmot, she needs to wake up from her own kind of coma.
Dear sweet Peter. Can you feel this?
Everyone's in their own personal coma."
"You have endless ways you can commit suicide without dying dying."
White Board
"I am certain of nothing
but the holiness of the heart's affections
and the truth of imagination."
but the holiness of the heart's affections
and the truth of imagination."
Anything
"What we don't understand we can make mean anything."
"Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you."
Yeah, You Were Right About Me
"I CAN'T SHAKE THIS LITTLE FEELING:
I'LL NEVER GET ANYTHING RIGHT."
"it used to be the reason i breathed
now it's choking me up"
I'LL NEVER GET ANYTHING RIGHT."
"it used to be the reason i breathed
now it's choking me up"
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I've Made This Bed
"I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.
I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.
Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
If you'd be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.
I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it."
Smile
"I said "there is nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help." So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. In fact, I'm sure. Thank you stranger, for your therapeutic smile.""
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Missing You To
"Always weigh what I've got against what I left
So progress report: I am missing you to death"
Same
You love my privacy
while I love your inconsistency
you don't know this but you're just the same as me
while I love your inconsistency
you don't know this but you're just the same as me
"We saw the western coast
I saw the hospital
Nursed the shoreline like a wound
Reports of lover's tryst
Were neither clear nor descript
We kept it safe and slow
The quiet things that no one ever knows"
The difference between you and I is that I want to know the amount, about it all.
Dreaming
I am literally only sleeping enough to have precise and vivid dreams
about the people I spend my waking hours exceedingly attempting to mentally evade.
It was one of those I'll show you tossing and turning sort of nights,
your bed seeming smaller than ever before.
I woke up looking down at you,
I woke up against the wall,
I woke up with my hand on your back.
Blankets, alarms, and all we could say to each other was
the extend to which we could not.
We Are Nowhere
"And it's now
And like a ten minute dream in the passenger's seat
While the world was flying by
I haven't been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime
I've been sleeping so strange at night
Side effects they don't advertise
I've been sleeping so strange
With a head full of pesticide"
And like a ten minute dream in the passenger's seat
While the world was flying by
I haven't been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime
I've been sleeping so strange at night
Side effects they don't advertise
I've been sleeping so strange
With a head full of pesticide"
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Anchors
My self dispise lead to my own demise
Everyone weights and achors in disguise
I am too tired for rowing and I am hardly floating
No one knowing
Monday, April 19, 2010
Vision Quest
"Losing all hope was freedom."
i went on a journey to find myself and lost what little i had on the way. i sat on the rock soaking in the insanity and weld up because you can't know any thing's thoughts and it was so devastating at the time. but it was a wonderful time with the window down, but not all the way, and a little heat blowing from the vents even when the ac is turned completely off. i thought it a waste to be using other people, i need no company, no crutches, no caffeine. i had a conversation with my father, and once the food was eaten i found other small ways to occupy my uncomfortable hands. he chuckled at my use of the word demotivating and told me that he wasted years and years carrying boxes that were too heavy. i almost cried there at the tin table because it's like talking to a wall when i say that i don't like feeling worthless here, wasting time. i was told live day by day, but i have never once in my life understood what that saying meant, so i told him that could be hard. i talked to an old friend who made the geographical hardships that take a toll on every relationship so much more apparent. if i left who would stay with me in conversation? i thought today of the phrase my mother often uses "low functioning", i never wanted to be that, not to her, not to myself, not to anyone. all i know is that the inactivity that i have been wallowing in has to end, and that rain is coming and that it is ridiculously demotivating.
the more that i think and talk about leaving the more unrealistic and absurd it sounds, and i might hate that. today i thought of the word stir-crazy. it's been a journey of acute amounts of sleep and a abundance of rest, and please don't call this soul searching, because reiterating vague concepts with an ipod playing is nothing more than trite on top of trite. i want to buy a t.v., i want to buy a bike, i want to save every penny so that after wasting all this time and when the future really comes i can support myself off of the little work i am doing now. sometimes i write a book, sometimes i read pages and obtain absolutely nothing of other's. i saw a movie that made me feel like people are just vessels that during a lifespan create and obtain flaws and issues that they either try to lesser or that end up growing until in all ends. i thought today that without death everything would be okay, and that thought is so frustrating. i ate pizza tonight that tasted like fat, i couldn't enjoy the fries, the almond milk in my cherrios was too creamy and the cheerios themselves were just wheat and carbs, and i won't start on the cornbread. the mints after dinner were just depressing and embarrassing. but today wasn't bad, it was beautiful and there were rocks, and mountains, and endless winding roads, and patches of snow that somehow just could not melt. they were small and dirty and i thought every time to photograph them but knew it looked better through my eyes, most things do. i thought to bring a notebook to document my adventure, i thought to bring a water bottle to replenish me, i thought to bring that camera so that i could capture the things that i would inevitably forget. i decided i wanted to be held back by nothing, especially concerning other people, especially concerning all of my concerns.
i started to write a letter today, i had so much to say but it was difficult to write and i wrote a sentence or two in pencil leading up to the notion that one should not attempt to make another happy if they are not happy themselves. i will never like myself, i can't live a life alone. i just wanted to let you know that you are appreciated and i almost told you, but i also wanted to tell you to fuck off and stop playing with my head, how did you get to be so heartlessly manipulative? i did not talk to many people today and made it different than the rest, and school was not even that bad and the teacher asked if we wanted to leave early and all of the zippers started to zip open or closed. i thought to talk to the dark-haired late boy but he had headphones in and that usually means that someone does not want a small-talk conversation. i planned it out though, i was going to look him in the eyes and ask where he worked and segway into a hint or two that we see each other around a lot. but he kept his headphones in so i continued reading my book until i looked up at the board and was lost. i am always lost in one thing or way or another. i said tonight that i place all of the blame on myself, and they said that was good, better than someone else. your difficulties regarding others are just your own issues distorted enough so that you can no longer recognize that they are the same exact thing. i felt connections, but at the same time i could not talk to those who i had no real access to. and i again held in my disappointments about this and that because i want our friendship to be exactly as i want it, and you want it all on your terms and i started to want them on mine, so i ignored you.
i sleep in the clothes for the next day so that they are warm, i visualize this to-do list. i need my tires rotated for fucks sake, my library book is late and i am behind in geography, i cannot forget that the knives have been sharpened. and i have a little something to say to all of my friends but am too cowardly to speak it. i made plans confused, and i let myself believe that all the others forgot about me. he used the term black hole, i said demotivating. no my sibling does not steal from her purse and i am sorry i told him she was worried, no i will not leave school, and yes the birds in the sky are free and so are we, but there are anchors and i can count them all. i can name them all, and birds have no fucking emotionally or physical attachments, we're not birds, and i might cry tomorrow because i cannot know their thoughts either. the mint taste is gone and there are too many blankets, but i still cannot talk to those who are not geographically available. he used the term drowning, but i say unmotivated. i'd live in that place alone if i could.
my mom cried so hard this morning in the garage that i was almost late for school. "where are you going??" was the first thing she plead. the meds my dad said, she was now the "pills", she screamed she wanted her son the fuck out of her life then begged me to hug her and i did. it was nice at the time for her to make me caring when i couldn't do it for myself. my mom says i'm insensitive, unemotional and cold. i responded to my father that she was like this a few weeks back, and he didn't say much at all. "people ask about you and i shrug" that best friend said. yeah, yeah me too.
i went on a journey to find myself and lost what little i had on the way. i sat on the rock soaking in the insanity and weld up because you can't know any thing's thoughts and it was so devastating at the time. but it was a wonderful time with the window down, but not all the way, and a little heat blowing from the vents even when the ac is turned completely off. i thought it a waste to be using other people, i need no company, no crutches, no caffeine. i had a conversation with my father, and once the food was eaten i found other small ways to occupy my uncomfortable hands. he chuckled at my use of the word demotivating and told me that he wasted years and years carrying boxes that were too heavy. i almost cried there at the tin table because it's like talking to a wall when i say that i don't like feeling worthless here, wasting time. i was told live day by day, but i have never once in my life understood what that saying meant, so i told him that could be hard. i talked to an old friend who made the geographical hardships that take a toll on every relationship so much more apparent. if i left who would stay with me in conversation? i thought today of the phrase my mother often uses "low functioning", i never wanted to be that, not to her, not to myself, not to anyone. all i know is that the inactivity that i have been wallowing in has to end, and that rain is coming and that it is ridiculously demotivating.
the more that i think and talk about leaving the more unrealistic and absurd it sounds, and i might hate that. today i thought of the word stir-crazy. it's been a journey of acute amounts of sleep and a abundance of rest, and please don't call this soul searching, because reiterating vague concepts with an ipod playing is nothing more than trite on top of trite. i want to buy a t.v., i want to buy a bike, i want to save every penny so that after wasting all this time and when the future really comes i can support myself off of the little work i am doing now. sometimes i write a book, sometimes i read pages and obtain absolutely nothing of other's. i saw a movie that made me feel like people are just vessels that during a lifespan create and obtain flaws and issues that they either try to lesser or that end up growing until in all ends. i thought today that without death everything would be okay, and that thought is so frustrating. i ate pizza tonight that tasted like fat, i couldn't enjoy the fries, the almond milk in my cherrios was too creamy and the cheerios themselves were just wheat and carbs, and i won't start on the cornbread. the mints after dinner were just depressing and embarrassing. but today wasn't bad, it was beautiful and there were rocks, and mountains, and endless winding roads, and patches of snow that somehow just could not melt. they were small and dirty and i thought every time to photograph them but knew it looked better through my eyes, most things do. i thought to bring a notebook to document my adventure, i thought to bring a water bottle to replenish me, i thought to bring that camera so that i could capture the things that i would inevitably forget. i decided i wanted to be held back by nothing, especially concerning other people, especially concerning all of my concerns.
i started to write a letter today, i had so much to say but it was difficult to write and i wrote a sentence or two in pencil leading up to the notion that one should not attempt to make another happy if they are not happy themselves. i will never like myself, i can't live a life alone. i just wanted to let you know that you are appreciated and i almost told you, but i also wanted to tell you to fuck off and stop playing with my head, how did you get to be so heartlessly manipulative? i did not talk to many people today and made it different than the rest, and school was not even that bad and the teacher asked if we wanted to leave early and all of the zippers started to zip open or closed. i thought to talk to the dark-haired late boy but he had headphones in and that usually means that someone does not want a small-talk conversation. i planned it out though, i was going to look him in the eyes and ask where he worked and segway into a hint or two that we see each other around a lot. but he kept his headphones in so i continued reading my book until i looked up at the board and was lost. i am always lost in one thing or way or another. i said tonight that i place all of the blame on myself, and they said that was good, better than someone else. your difficulties regarding others are just your own issues distorted enough so that you can no longer recognize that they are the same exact thing. i felt connections, but at the same time i could not talk to those who i had no real access to. and i again held in my disappointments about this and that because i want our friendship to be exactly as i want it, and you want it all on your terms and i started to want them on mine, so i ignored you.
i sleep in the clothes for the next day so that they are warm, i visualize this to-do list. i need my tires rotated for fucks sake, my library book is late and i am behind in geography, i cannot forget that the knives have been sharpened. and i have a little something to say to all of my friends but am too cowardly to speak it. i made plans confused, and i let myself believe that all the others forgot about me. he used the term black hole, i said demotivating. no my sibling does not steal from her purse and i am sorry i told him she was worried, no i will not leave school, and yes the birds in the sky are free and so are we, but there are anchors and i can count them all. i can name them all, and birds have no fucking emotionally or physical attachments, we're not birds, and i might cry tomorrow because i cannot know their thoughts either. the mint taste is gone and there are too many blankets, but i still cannot talk to those who are not geographically available. he used the term drowning, but i say unmotivated. i'd live in that place alone if i could.
my mom cried so hard this morning in the garage that i was almost late for school. "where are you going??" was the first thing she plead. the meds my dad said, she was now the "pills", she screamed she wanted her son the fuck out of her life then begged me to hug her and i did. it was nice at the time for her to make me caring when i couldn't do it for myself. my mom says i'm insensitive, unemotional and cold. i responded to my father that she was like this a few weeks back, and he didn't say much at all. "people ask about you and i shrug" that best friend said. yeah, yeah me too.
Equal
I want you to know that I bent over backwards, and acted as a child.
He told me that people are equally amazing as miserable. Maybe there are no exceptions in that statement.
Life Defining
It's almost terrifying to think that someone is living their life and have yet to have their life defining experience, good or bad.
Quick Sand
I guess I just needed someone there to hold my hand
those nights that I was left here with only bands
but this place is quick sand
those nights that I was left here with only bands
but this place is quick sand
Facts
I admire people who make goals and do little things modestly and secretly for themselves, and I sometimes think that I do those things just so that I can like that about myself.
I am left-handed but have been told on more than one occasion that I'd most likely write neater with my right.
I don't like to like things that other people like that they like, like the smell of gasoline.
If I had to get one tattoo this moment it would say "Life Is Easy" and he on my hand, it would be a sort of punishment for taking my life too seriously.
I sometimes see how long I can go without communicating with someone, mostly to see when they will try to talk to me, but even more than that I am disciplining myself for wanting to talk to them so badly.
I honestly do think my life would make an entertaining movie, if done correctly.
I am lactose intolerant, but no one seems to believe me.
I like to think that I would rather be uncomfortable in a situation than the other person, but I also think that is because I would be uncomfortable if I thought at all that they were.
I day dream about turning off my cellphone, and dream at night about text messaging.
Every day I work towards bettering myself, eliminating flaws, and growing mentally and emotionally, but mainly I just go to school and work.
I think about crashing every single time I am driving or a passenger in a car, sometimes accidentally.
I take great pleasure in small acts of anarchy and defiance, though it involves for the most part just eating out of grocery store bins.
I find that changing others' lives is the most significant thing a person can do, and a part of me will always want to be famous.
I am left-handed but have been told on more than one occasion that I'd most likely write neater with my right.
I don't like to like things that other people like that they like, like the smell of gasoline.
If I had to get one tattoo this moment it would say "Life Is Easy" and he on my hand, it would be a sort of punishment for taking my life too seriously.
I sometimes see how long I can go without communicating with someone, mostly to see when they will try to talk to me, but even more than that I am disciplining myself for wanting to talk to them so badly.
I honestly do think my life would make an entertaining movie, if done correctly.
I am lactose intolerant, but no one seems to believe me.
I like to think that I would rather be uncomfortable in a situation than the other person, but I also think that is because I would be uncomfortable if I thought at all that they were.
I day dream about turning off my cellphone, and dream at night about text messaging.
Every day I work towards bettering myself, eliminating flaws, and growing mentally and emotionally, but mainly I just go to school and work.
I think about crashing every single time I am driving or a passenger in a car, sometimes accidentally.
I take great pleasure in small acts of anarchy and defiance, though it involves for the most part just eating out of grocery store bins.
I find that changing others' lives is the most significant thing a person can do, and a part of me will always want to be famous.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
End Of Times
It’s been a long and lonely trip but I’m glad that I took it because it was well worth it/
I got to read a couple books and do some research before I reached my verdict/
Never thought that I was perfect/
Always thought that I had a purpose/
Used to wonder if I’d live to see my first kiss/
The most difficult thing I ever did was recite my own words at a service realizing the person I was addressing probably wasn’t looking down from heaven/
Or cooking up something in hell’s kitchen, trying to listen in or eaves drop from some another dimension/
It was self serving just like this is/
Conveniently religious on Easter Sunday and on Christmas/
The television went from being a babysitter to a mistress/
Technology made it easy for us to stay in touch while keeping a distance, ’til we just stayed distant and never touched/
Now all we do is text too much/ I don’t remember much from my youth/
Maybe my memory is repressed/
Or I just spent too much time wondering if I’d live to have sex/
Fell in love for the first time in 4th grade but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her/
In 8th grade I wrote her the note but I slipped it in someone else’s locker/ Considered killing myself ’cause of that/
It was a big deal/
It was a blown cover/
It was over for me/
My goose was cooked/
Stick a fork it me/
The jig is up/
I blew my chances, the rest is history, our future was torn asunder/
It became abundantly clear that I was only brought here to suffer/
At least I didn’t include my name/
Thankfully I wrote the whole note in code and it had 10 layers of scotch tape safety seal making it impossible to open/
Plus, it was set to self destruct/
Whoever read it probably died…laughing/
I wonder if they lived long enough to realize what happened/
A year later, I came to understand that wasn’t love that I was feeling for her/
I had someone else to obsess over/
I was older/
I was very mature/
I forged my time signature while practicing my parents autograph ’cause I was failing math/
Disconnected the phone when I thought the teacher would call my home/
I checked the mailbox twice a day at the end of a long dirt road/
Steamed open a couple envelopes like I was in private detective mode/
If you snoop around long enough for something in particular you’re guaranteed to find it/
For better or worse that’s how I learned that it’s best to just keep some things private/
It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/
I was always on deck, I was next in line/
An only child with a pen and pad writing a list of things that I could never have/
The walls in my house were paper thin/
Every squabble seemed to get deafening/
If my memory serves me correctly I made it a point to void and forget some things/
Probably to keep from being embarrassed/
Never meant to upset or give grief to my parents/
Kept my secrets…hid my talents…in my head, never under the mattress/
Therapy couldn’t break me/
Never learned a word that would insure safety/
So I spoke softly and I tip toed often/
The door to my room was like a big old coffin/
The way that it creeked when I closed it shut/
Anxieties peaked when it opened up/
As if everything that I was thinking would be exposed/
I still sleep fully clothed/
It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ It was beautiful/
It was brutal/
It was cruel/
It was business as usual/
Heaven/
It was hell/
Used to wonder if I’d live to see 12/ When I did I figured that I was immortal/
Loved to dance but couldn’t make it to the formal/
Couldn’t bear watching my imaginary girlfriend bust a move with any other dudes/
Tone Loc was talking bout a “Wild Thang” but I was still caught up in some child thangs/
Scared of a God who couldn’t spare the rod/
It was clearly a brimstone and fire thang/ Pyromaniac/
Kleptomaniac/
Couldn’t explain my desire to steal that fire/
Now I add it to my rider/
Like “Please oh please don’t throw me in that patch of brier!” It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ The school counselor was clueless ’cause I never skipped classes/
Perfect attendance/
Imperfect accent/
Speech impediment they could never really fix and I faked bad eyesight so I could wear glasses/
Considered doing something that would cripple me/
I wanted a wheelchair/
I wanted the sympathy/
I wanted straight teeth so then came braces/
4 years of head gear helped me change faces/
It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ Now I wonder if I’ll live to see marriage/
Wonder if I’ll live long enough to have kids/
Wonder if I’ll live to see my kids have kids/
If I do I’m gonna tell ‘em how it is/ Don’t listen when they tell you that these are your best years/
Don’t let anybody protect your ears/
It’s best that you hear what they don’t want you to hear/
It’s better to have pressure from peers than not have peers/
Beer won’t give you chest hair/
Spicy food won’t make it curl/
When you think you’ve got it all figured out and then your universe collapses…trust me, kid…it’s not the end of the world/
I got to read a couple books and do some research before I reached my verdict/
Never thought that I was perfect/
Always thought that I had a purpose/
Used to wonder if I’d live to see my first kiss/
The most difficult thing I ever did was recite my own words at a service realizing the person I was addressing probably wasn’t looking down from heaven/
Or cooking up something in hell’s kitchen, trying to listen in or eaves drop from some another dimension/
It was self serving just like this is/
Conveniently religious on Easter Sunday and on Christmas/
The television went from being a babysitter to a mistress/
Technology made it easy for us to stay in touch while keeping a distance, ’til we just stayed distant and never touched/
Now all we do is text too much/ I don’t remember much from my youth/
Maybe my memory is repressed/
Or I just spent too much time wondering if I’d live to have sex/
Fell in love for the first time in 4th grade but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her/
In 8th grade I wrote her the note but I slipped it in someone else’s locker/ Considered killing myself ’cause of that/
It was a big deal/
It was a blown cover/
It was over for me/
My goose was cooked/
Stick a fork it me/
The jig is up/
I blew my chances, the rest is history, our future was torn asunder/
It became abundantly clear that I was only brought here to suffer/
At least I didn’t include my name/
Thankfully I wrote the whole note in code and it had 10 layers of scotch tape safety seal making it impossible to open/
Plus, it was set to self destruct/
Whoever read it probably died…laughing/
I wonder if they lived long enough to realize what happened/
A year later, I came to understand that wasn’t love that I was feeling for her/
I had someone else to obsess over/
I was older/
I was very mature/
I forged my time signature while practicing my parents autograph ’cause I was failing math/
Disconnected the phone when I thought the teacher would call my home/
I checked the mailbox twice a day at the end of a long dirt road/
Steamed open a couple envelopes like I was in private detective mode/
If you snoop around long enough for something in particular you’re guaranteed to find it/
For better or worse that’s how I learned that it’s best to just keep some things private/
It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/
I was always on deck, I was next in line/
An only child with a pen and pad writing a list of things that I could never have/
The walls in my house were paper thin/
Every squabble seemed to get deafening/
If my memory serves me correctly I made it a point to void and forget some things/
Probably to keep from being embarrassed/
Never meant to upset or give grief to my parents/
Kept my secrets…hid my talents…in my head, never under the mattress/
Therapy couldn’t break me/
Never learned a word that would insure safety/
So I spoke softly and I tip toed often/
The door to my room was like a big old coffin/
The way that it creeked when I closed it shut/
Anxieties peaked when it opened up/
As if everything that I was thinking would be exposed/
I still sleep fully clothed/
It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ It was beautiful/
It was brutal/
It was cruel/
It was business as usual/
Heaven/
It was hell/
Used to wonder if I’d live to see 12/ When I did I figured that I was immortal/
Loved to dance but couldn’t make it to the formal/
Couldn’t bear watching my imaginary girlfriend bust a move with any other dudes/
Tone Loc was talking bout a “Wild Thang” but I was still caught up in some child thangs/
Scared of a God who couldn’t spare the rod/
It was clearly a brimstone and fire thang/ Pyromaniac/
Kleptomaniac/
Couldn’t explain my desire to steal that fire/
Now I add it to my rider/
Like “Please oh please don’t throw me in that patch of brier!” It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ The school counselor was clueless ’cause I never skipped classes/
Perfect attendance/
Imperfect accent/
Speech impediment they could never really fix and I faked bad eyesight so I could wear glasses/
Considered doing something that would cripple me/
I wanted a wheelchair/
I wanted the sympathy/
I wanted straight teeth so then came braces/
4 years of head gear helped me change faces/
It was the best of times/
It was the end of times/ Now I wonder if I’ll live to see marriage/
Wonder if I’ll live long enough to have kids/
Wonder if I’ll live to see my kids have kids/
If I do I’m gonna tell ‘em how it is/ Don’t listen when they tell you that these are your best years/
Don’t let anybody protect your ears/
It’s best that you hear what they don’t want you to hear/
It’s better to have pressure from peers than not have peers/
Beer won’t give you chest hair/
Spicy food won’t make it curl/
When you think you’ve got it all figured out and then your universe collapses…trust me, kid…it’s not the end of the world/
Late
My self despise lead to my own demise, but maybe artists can never be on the same page. It's late, but I can never stay.
Friday, April 16, 2010
No Destination
"I've been practicin grabbin the noose when the knot slips
Rewiring my mind to make the firing squad miss
And while they're busy reloading
I'm decoding the messages she sent with this key I keep holding
But it's a copy
And the lock seems broken
Got me chokin' on discussions I cannot keep open
I'm fully clothed in this cock-tease moment
The last cigarette sits between my lips
But I will not smoke it
While it dangled I got strangled by a second hand
Broke the ropes when I held my breath and let my chest expand
Threw the stogie to the lonely hitman for hire
Told him that he owed me and he showed me his hand's on fire
We didn't shake on it
He nodded, I nodded back
He lit the cigarette with his finger and dropped the gat
I started walking the tracks you should've tied me to
I waited for a train to hop but stopped to say good-bye to you
When I turned my head
I heard what you said:
"Murder him dead and try to do it with the girl in his bed"
So I fled
As I remembered one should never look back
There's no direction home only blood on the tracks
Stuck in the past
I jetted and left the red footprints for them to follow
Headed toward tomorrow
And took sips from the flask
That you bought me
For my sober anniversary
Her dad tracks my scent
She's got her old man in search of me
He knows where I'm headed, he's been there
King of the home
Sits on his throne like it's an electric chair
I'm the heir to that domestic death sentence
I see people accepting lethal injections
Dead in seconds
They confused prison for a bed in breakfast
Used their one call on voicemail to see who left a message
Could it be her?
Could it be!?
They're desperate
Mad at me cause they lack a strategy for exit
Nobody pregnant, nobody get burped
I got lost on this head trip but won't talk to an expert
My legs hurt cuz I've been walking with cement boots
Ever since you lured me to the water bed to get cute
She had a wet suit and dry dispostion
But couldn't execute that type of mission
It's no small time thing organizing my ending
My book of life
Is a "Choose Your Own Adventure"
With a circular section
You can tell your friends I walked all over you
But you know that's not what these boots were made to do
In fact, you had them crafted at the store
Said, "Baby, slip em on" but I don't know what you take me for.
I knew what was up once I felt nailed to the floor
And since the key didnt work I kicked my way through the door"
"I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me
I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me
I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me
Speak of me in your travels
Take pictures if you please
But don't go settling on me, love
No don't go settling on me"
Jesus Christ
"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend
Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling
Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend
Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling
Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Doubtful Downfall
I am trying to remember that my
doubts are our downfalls,
and forget
that my questioning is our misunderstanding.
I am getting it,
slowly here.
doubts are our downfalls,
and forget
that my questioning is our misunderstanding.
I am getting it,
slowly here.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Cake Walk
This is no cake walk, but not that difficult. I'm grateful, for those little things, and the big things.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Equilibrium
We want something new and exciting,
we want something familiar and easy,
there is only one way to obtain both stimoustaneously.
we want something familiar and easy,
there is only one way to obtain both stimoustaneously.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Glow
Your face is lit up white by the glow of the screen of your ringing cell phone. You read my name on the caller idenification, and a vague thought of me flashes through your prepared mind. You think to answer it, but don't pick it up. In the back of your head you wait for a voice message, I think to leave one, but don't say anything.
"I'm full of regret
For all things that I've done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face 'round here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear
Would you ever turn your head and look
See if I'm gone
Cause I fear
There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
You're just innocent
A helpless victim of a spider's web
And I'm an insect
Goin after anything that I can get
So you better turn your head and run
And don't look back
Cause I fear
There is nothing left to say
To you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
And I've done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh shame on myself
I don't know how I got so tangled up"
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Storms
"Breathe in.
He finally paused to take a breath
Then looked down—it felt like staring into hell.
The man was seated in a chair before him, silent,
A statue framed in pain and flesh. He thought,
"Oh, what more can I say to sway him? To make this statue speak?
I swear he's made of stone and I am barely stirring up a breeze."
And after waiting in the silence,
Finally turned around to leave.
Broken and barely through the doorway,
Breathing slowly, beating hard, he heard him speak:
"I guess love's a funny thing—
the way it fades away without a warning.
the way it fades away without a warning.
It doesn't ask to be excused.
And when it's gone—
oh, it's gone—
and it ain't ever comin' back.
oh, it's gone—
and it ain't ever comin' back.
There is nothing you can do to save it,
To make it breathe the way it did"
Mood Congruent Memory
"Emotion can have a powerful impact on memory. Numerous studies have shown that the most vivid autobiographical memories tend to be of emotional events, which are likely to be recalled more often and with more clarity and detail than neutral events.
The activity of emotionally enhanced memory retention can be linked to human evolution; during early development, responsive behavior to environmental events would have progressed as a process of trial and error. Survival depended on behavioral patterns that were repeated or reinforced through life and death situations. Through evolution, this process of learning became genetically embedded in humans and all animal species in what is known as "fight or flight" instinct.
Artificially inducing this instinct through traumatic physical or emotional stimuli essentially creates the same physiological condition that heightens memory retention by exciting neuro-chemical activity affecting areas of the brain responsible for encoding and recalling memory. This memory-enhancing effect of emotion has been demonstrated in a large number of laboratory studies, using stimuli ranging from words to pictures to narrated slide shows, as well as autobiographical memory studies"
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Failures
"Forget all the fears you've kept about love and sex and death and faith,"
"We'll move all the hurt aside to let love sustain our passions,
And move up and onward.
We are not our losses, we are only the extent to which we love.
So build a home for your family, and build a castle for your friends"
"My love failed but theirs prevailed.
My friends, I'm only flesh and bone,
But I won't let you die alone.
So leave our hearts at the foot of the mountain.
Let our burdens be locked in the stone.
If you will help me roll it upward,
I won't let you die alone."
"We are not our failures. We are love."
"We'll move all the hurt aside to let love sustain our passions,
And move up and onward.
We are not our losses, we are only the extent to which we love.
So build a home for your family, and build a castle for your friends"
"My love failed but theirs prevailed.
My friends, I'm only flesh and bone,
But I won't let you die alone.
So leave our hearts at the foot of the mountain.
Let our burdens be locked in the stone.
If you will help me roll it upward,
I won't let you die alone."
"We are not our failures. We are love."
Thursday, April 1, 2010
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