i went on a journey to find myself and lost what little i had on the way. i sat on the rock soaking in the insanity and weld up because you can't know any thing's thoughts and it was so devastating at the time. but it was a wonderful time with the window down, but not all the way, and a little heat blowing from the vents even when the ac is turned completely off. i thought it a waste to be using other people, i need no company, no crutches, no caffeine. i had a conversation with my father, and once the food was eaten i found other small ways to occupy my uncomfortable hands. he chuckled at my use of the word demotivating and told me that he wasted years and years carrying boxes that were too heavy. i almost cried there at the tin table because it's like talking to a wall when i say that i don't like feeling worthless here, wasting time. i was told live day by day, but i have never once in my life understood what that saying meant, so i told him that could be hard. i talked to an old friend who made the geographical hardships that take a toll on every relationship so much more apparent. if i left who would stay with me in conversation? i thought today of the phrase my mother often uses "low functioning", i never wanted to be that, not to her, not to myself, not to anyone. all i know is that the inactivity that i have been wallowing in has to end, and that rain is coming and that it is ridiculously demotivating.
the more that i think and talk about leaving the more unrealistic and absurd it sounds, and i might hate that. today i thought of the word stir-crazy. it's been a journey of acute amounts of sleep and a abundance of rest, and please don't call this soul searching, because reiterating vague concepts with an ipod playing is nothing more than trite on top of trite. i want to buy a t.v., i want to buy a bike, i want to save every penny so that after wasting all this time and when the future really comes i can support myself off of the little work i am doing now. sometimes i write a book, sometimes i read pages and obtain absolutely nothing of other's. i saw a movie that made me feel like people are just vessels that during a lifespan create and obtain flaws and issues that they either try to lesser or that end up growing until in all ends. i thought today that without death everything would be okay, and that thought is so frustrating. i ate pizza tonight that tasted like fat, i couldn't enjoy the fries, the almond milk in my cherrios was too creamy and the cheerios themselves were just wheat and carbs, and i won't start on the cornbread. the mints after dinner were just depressing and embarrassing. but today wasn't bad, it was beautiful and there were rocks, and mountains, and endless winding roads, and patches of snow that somehow just could not melt. they were small and dirty and i thought every time to photograph them but knew it looked better through my eyes, most things do. i thought to bring a notebook to document my adventure, i thought to bring a water bottle to replenish me, i thought to bring that camera so that i could capture the things that i would inevitably forget. i decided i wanted to be held back by nothing, especially concerning other people, especially concerning all of my concerns.
i started to write a letter today, i had so much to say but it was difficult to write and i wrote a sentence or two in pencil leading up to the notion that one should not attempt to make another happy if they are not happy themselves. i will never like myself, i can't live a life alone. i just wanted to let you know that you are appreciated and i almost told you, but i also wanted to tell you to fuck off and stop playing with my head, how did you get to be so heartlessly manipulative? i did not talk to many people today and made it different than the rest, and school was not even that bad and the teacher asked if we wanted to leave early and all of the zippers started to zip open or closed. i thought to talk to the dark-haired late boy but he had headphones in and that usually means that someone does not want a small-talk conversation. i planned it out though, i was going to look him in the eyes and ask where he worked and segway into a hint or two that we see each other around a lot. but he kept his headphones in so i continued reading my book until i looked up at the board and was lost. i am always lost in one thing or way or another. i said tonight that i place all of the blame on myself, and they said that was good, better than someone else. your difficulties regarding others are just your own issues distorted enough so that you can no longer recognize that they are the same exact thing. i felt connections, but at the same time i could not talk to those who i had no real access to. and i again held in my disappointments about this and that because i want our friendship to be exactly as i want it, and you want it all on your terms and i started to want them on mine, so i ignored you.
i sleep in the clothes for the next day so that they are warm, i visualize this to-do list. i need my tires rotated for fucks sake, my library book is late and i am behind in geography, i cannot forget that the knives have been sharpened. and i have a little something to say to all of my friends but am too cowardly to speak it. i made plans confused, and i let myself believe that all the others forgot about me. he used the term black hole, i said demotivating. no my sibling does not steal from her purse and i am sorry i told him she was worried, no i will not leave school, and yes the birds in the sky are free and so are we, but there are anchors and i can count them all. i can name them all, and birds have no fucking emotionally or physical attachments, we're not birds, and i might cry tomorrow because i cannot know their thoughts either. the mint taste is gone and there are too many blankets, but i still cannot talk to those who are not geographically available. he used the term drowning, but i say unmotivated. i'd live in that place alone if i could.
my mom cried so hard this morning in the garage that i was almost late for school. "where are you going??" was the first thing she plead. the meds my dad said, she was now the "pills", she screamed she wanted her son the fuck out of her life then begged me to hug her and i did. it was nice at the time for her to make me caring when i couldn't do it for myself. my mom says i'm insensitive, unemotional and cold. i responded to my father that she was like this a few weeks back, and he didn't say much at all. "people ask about you and i shrug" that best friend said. yeah, yeah me too.
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