SOS

What Else To Do

"I want to be in the same space as you 

so I know that you are still with me, 

even if it's in the most basic, literal sense. 

I want to hold tight to your hand, 

even if you're trying to pull it away. 

Because I don't know what else to do."

Cared Not That Long Ago

here's a little blimp in time of my life, as I sit in my car at the laundry mat. last night (4-6pm) I watched a documentary called hot girls wanted, about the amateur porn industry, after I got home from work (/getting rent money order). I had tentative plans with lizz, but she had to go home, for her mom, early instead (which I ended up insanely text-yelling at her about, because she always thinks that I'm still trying to hang out even after she explains that it is not an option.) I wait for sarah to get off of work, to call her like we agreed, I call at 6:11pm and she said that she was reaching for her phone to call me. we meet at shimizu, don't go to the poetry reading at the book store, but get frozen yogurt after dinner. I tell sarah that zandra texted me saying that the grapevine told her that I am moving with calvin, she responds that she doesn't care what he does, anymore. she asks about la, I say I don't know. I text bethany as I drive home, around the lake (I told myself I was allowed to if the paul mccartney song came on the radio that night, and it did.) 

when I get back to my apartment, I watch welcome to me, another mediocre kristen wiig movie, misrepresenting mental illness, then watch best of me, a nicholas sparks book/movie that I ended up sobbing at. at some point during the movie I start itching very badly, on the inside of my arms. it then dawns upon me, what could be happening. I inspect my bed over and over with my cellphone's flash light, but there's nothing. I get up, look in the mirror, and I am covered in huge bright and painful bumps. I realize that what is already on my elbow was a series of bedbug bites, as I had feared (I had covered them with band-aids and pretended that they were not there). I look at every inch of my bed, bedbug casings, and tiny blood splatters, but no sign of the insect itself. I try to relax, I start the movie again, then feel a sharp subtle pain on my right knee, I look at it closer, two or three huge fresh bites. I could not remember being bit below the waist before, he was out to kill me. I tear my bed apart, it's 1am but I'm going to find it, and suddenly, I do. I kill it between two pieces of scotch tape, plump and rust colored from so much of my blood. I add it to the graveyard, and go to the bathroom again, to cover myself in my tea tree oil and neosporin mixture. my left eye is red and swollen, either from an allergic reaction, or a single face bite. I eventually fall asleep after finishing the movie, and icing my eye lid.

I wake up many times, but don't get out of bed until after 1pm. I see in the mirror that my eye went down this time, but I have at least two neck bites, a rash or three bites on the right side of my chest, four to five on my right elbow, two on my right knee, a lot of my left and right underarms, a bad one on my right hand, and a pretty big red rash or bite on the front of my left arm. I make my eggs, eat my fruit and yogurt, then try for a long time to get the wifi to work on either my phone or laptop. eventually my computer connects, and I sit there for a while, listening to a dryer spin, even though the laundry room has been locked for weeks. I hear people walking up and down the stairs, and decide to check it out before I head for the laundry mat; still closed. 

I hear someone go up the stairs a few minutes later, and decide boldly to join them. walking towards me on the roof is a handsome man with dark blonde hair, carrying with him 3-4 articles of clothing in his arms, who looks like the actor from rust and bone, only a bit younger. he smiles at me, either like he as a secret key, or thinks I'm cute, I am completely unsure which. the door closes behind him, I try it, locked again. I email my landlord asking what's up, and head to west grand coin laundry with my two baskets, including my bedding (and miranda july book). wearing a black sweatshirt, warm, but war wounds from the night concealed, I walk into the street to find my car. a young man standing behind a brand new black bmw, no plates yet, makes eye contact with me, as he holds his dick, peeing in the street. I walk towards him, to the sound of his jinglling belt buckle, like the star in most depressing musical ever. we both drive away down seventh, once he's finished peeing, going on with our normal days. I drive to pack n save, and purchase an on sale almond butter for $9.99.

Mornings

my mood dictates the quality of our relationship
pump me full of serotonin and watch me laugh

at night feed me melatonin and i will cry
i make myself emotionally sick to my stomach
ad nauseam
i can't sleep at night

i want someone who is able to read me

Dreams He's Building Upon