Dosages and Ringing Phones

it's 12:48pm and jillian calls me, I am sitting at the prepress computer in back, I ask if everything is okay, she said no. we laugh together for a while, and she says that she is crying, and I can hear that she is, we talk about school, and living situations, and la. I move to the break room, and we talk for twenty minutes until we both have to go. it's 3pm, I am sitting at scott's desk, on the phone with greg, and had been on and off for quite some time. I tell greg that I "only a couple more fires to put out" before I can go, we laugh at all the madness. greg said even the worst most awful day that scott could have at lithograph is still better than where he was now, I never thought about it like that before, I agreed. I email denise and robin, I download the new artwork from mary leigh, and get the proof ready for emily, scott sends me an email "get out of there!" around four, and I do. walking up to my apartment door I text brittany, I just say "yo". I explain that I am off work, not looking at that room, and going to charge my phone. she says that her and satori had already got all the curry and veggies, said that they're excited. I ask where to get oil, she tells me all of the names of places, and I go to auto zone, put some in, and drive to san jose. on my way there, hitting the five o'clock traffic perfectly, beni texts me a picture of him on his construction site, smiling in the sun. I respond that it's my new favorite, and mean it. we text for a while, he sends a video he took of the river, he asks me for a picture and I send one. I call brittany once I park, and get her ringback tone. brittany and satori walk down and meet me in the street, we hug, and head for japantown. we get pocky, sake, and mochi. making dinner was fun, and after brittany set the table, made the rice, and satori cooked everything in the wok, and poured us shots, I said I felt like their baby, I corrected myself, and said "family". brittany and I stay up until about midnight discussing politics, racism, family, siblings, high school, growing up, divorce, choices, we eat black sesame mochi and I tell her that my dad abandoned me and now I live inside that fear. driving home I am listening to music loud, and texting lizz, she sends me a nice text about my car, we talk about alex and andy, and los angeles, I wonder if she is drunk. at home, a little before one, I am exhausted, take sleeping pills anyway, and fall asleep quickly. I am awoken at 3:23am to my phone vibrating on my laptop, asleep and confused I look at my screen and see a picture of beni ross' stomach, in the dark. I answer. he tells me that he was thinking about me, and was going to leave a message. he says that he hadn't been checking his phone because people were playing music and he was dancing, barefoot in the grass. he says that he danced for hours, and when other people stopped, he did not understand. he and I talked about us, music, sex, lifestyles, his ex, friends, fears, concerns, wants, it felt a lot longer but we talked for fifty minutes, opposed to exactly sixty minutes like the night before. "I am not doing this to make myself feel better, I don't need to feel better". he tells me that he wants to take things slow, he tells me that this isn't what he was looking for it just happened, and it's passionate and it's real. he said jeff likes me, and approves of me, and if he didn't we probably wouldn't be talking, he tells me that jeff told him now he saw sparks between us. someone is blowing up an air mattress and beni has to get off the phone, he doesn't text me afterwards, which is fine, and I eventually fall back asleep. I wake up around 8:30 or 9, and call my dad back around 9:30 or 10am. my dad says he called about depositing me money, and that he had, I tell him that I am going to stay there next weekend, he said he will be in san rafael but will leave the back door unlocked for me. he tells me that dylan said he is going to call me, and I can hear dylan in the background, I say okay and we get off of the phone. moments later dylan is calling, and we talk about marysville, methadone milligrams, the future, I say to him that I am stoked that he is doing that, he responds "me too". I tell him that I will be there next weekend, he tells me that he might even be moved out to mitch's by then. I get off of the phone to make coffee and eggs, but realize that I cannot get out of bed, so I lay there for a while longer. my phone begins to ring again, and it is alex. she asks about beni, and I ask her about grey's anatomy; we were up and snapping each other at 4:30am. we talk about cody, austin, friends, moving, work. she tells me that I need to move to los angeles when I am ready, I tell her that she's probably right, she tells me that I cannot quit my job in this time of need, and I said that I know. we talk from 10:51, for an hour and 17 minutes, and I tell her that I need to make coffee and eggs. I don't leave bed, and eventually fall back asleep. I wake up around 4pm, way groggy and out of it. lizz didn't text me back, I didn't text andy back, tess and I weren't texting anymore, and beni had texted me around 1:30pm just saying "hey". I look at my snaps, jillian had sent me "the beni thing finally sunk in", and I figure that I sent her a snap at 4am about the phone date. I write "hi" back to beni, and try to figure out why I slept so long. brittany had started work at 4am, I sent her a snap thanking her for staying up so late talking, and he sends me a snap from the break room of trader joe's saying "worth it". it's too late for coffee, I make apple and almond butter and eggs, I promise myself to go outside tomorrow, and remember that I am going to gilman to see pianos. I wonder if the paxil had made me sleep, I wonder if it could be doing anything at all.