it is wednesday night, i finally text beni my real plan for the coming weekend. i say that i will be there two nights, friday, and saturday, i am wanting to spend one night with jillian at her house, and one night with him. "i want to hang out fri and sat, both of em ha" he responds. this made me happy, i did too. it is thursday night and we're texting again, i am also talking to lizz, who i am convinced is sick of me (the two hour phone call and texting until i fall asleep), until she tells me to come over, and then i think she is kidding. i explain to her that i am deflecting answering her because i am unsure whether or not she is kidding, "i just asked you to come over four times". i get dressed and go to lizz's. none of her roommates are around so we sit and talk in the living room for a while, she tells me that i should come outside with her when she goes to smoke and i wanted to and i did. on her back porch we talk about our friendship, in a good way, both get a little upset, but i didn't cry. she says to me seriously that she has never thought it was me complicating things, and complicated is okay, i could feel my heart feeling better. back inside i tell lizz vaguely about the text message i had sent beni earlier to blow him off (/play it cool), i told her i was kind of crazy, she didn't believe me, or ask questions. beni doesn't take my dramatic bait and replies "what should we do :)", such a relief it's beyond words. i say to lizz that i am so grateful that he didn't 'play into my stupid shit', i was worried she would take that personally after i had already spoke it, but i didn't ask. i say to beni that whatever he wants to do, he says cook me dinner. he spells out some intricate veggie dish which would be what he would want to make me, and since he had no place of doing this, my dad being out of town made it an almost-reality. i tell him that i would like that. lizz sort of rolls her eyes in a way (possibly in my head), and i stop talking about it. i'm sitting on the couch now, and she is on the computer, both our phones buzz and it's holly asking if we should all get vegan ice cream. for the next several minutes we attempt to figure out how she had known we were together, lizz asks me three or so times if i snapped her. it turns out holly didn't know, and it was just good timing, lizz says we are at her house and to come there. colin's girlfriend shows up, then holly does. i am really glad to see her, and it felt like a long time whether it did to anyone else. the three of us go to the oakland trader joe's, and fake-argue for an irrational amount of time at the register who is going to pay for the three dollar ice cream (all with our own reasons to do so). back at lizz's we critique celebrities and their met gala dress choices, lizz someone knows not only all of the designers, but obscure foreign models also. needless to say holly and i had a good laugh, and lizz was dead serious. holly and i leave and when i told her that i wanted to see her soon i really meant it. i get to work around 7am friday, in hopes to leave as early as possible (already asked lance if 2pm was alright, because i was going home for mother's day, and since i worked so hard all week he emphatically said yes in the parking lot days prior). before 8am scott is already trying to get me out of there, but admitting that i can't leave if he isn't either. he said having the flu or puking is the only way, i decline, and get to leave at 1 or 130 anyway. the drive is long, and beni is in sierra city working with no service. i head to my dad's, even though dylan officially no longer lives there (thank god for him, inconvenient for me)