Cliches and Placebos

it's like my sadness is still there, inside, or perhaps floating out somewhere nearby. i can think about, but not access it, similar to an object, i can touch but cannot open. i can still get angry that i am upset about what it is i am upset about, such as being ashamed of an embarrassing emotion, but it's so diluted i am unable to work through it, it just drifts aimlessly out to sea. my thoughts are more in a flux now, a state of movement, i don't properly land or dwell on one particular thing. the uncontrollable, sporadic sleeping, unfamiliar sickness, night sweats, eyes inflamed. how would i be feeling otherwise? how am i supposed to be feeling?