Top 20 of 2016

Moonlight
Arrival
A Bigger Splash
American Honey
Knight of Cups
The Handmaiden
Jackie
La La Land
Blue Jay
Equals
Manchester By The Sea
12 Cloverfield Lane
Midnight Special
The Lobster
The Light Between Oceans
13th
Fences
Swiss Army Man



to see:
Voyage of Time
Loving
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Lion
Hacksaw Ridge
20th Century Women
Elle
Hidden Figures
Tower
I Am Not Your Negro
Fire at Sea
Doctor Strange
Paterson
The Invitation
OJ Made in America
When the Bough Breaks 
Goat 
A Kind of Murder
Creative Control
Things to Come
 Cemetery of Splendor
Maggie's plan

last night I was in a room 

and the only person I am sure that was there with me was my brother

your brother came in too

I exclaimed his name

we grinned equally as wide

soon after 

you glided into the frame

you were wearing black, I remember

you did not sit down

I guessed this was because there were

other people on the couch with me

I scooted to my right,

making almost enough room for you next to me

I asked if you would sit there

you said "that is where I wanted to sit"

this made me happier than I can recall

being in the last couple of years in my waking life

I examined your apartment at one point,

this was from afar

but I realized you lived as I did, now

just a bit nicer

as I drove to work "baby I'm amazed by the way I feel for you"

came on the radio

you used to love this song

normally my cue to change the station

today I turned it up

I thought about you for that whole song

and the following song, too

it felt

really, really good 

next time I see you

I will smile so fucking big

my teeth will start to fall out 

and I will realize

I'm dreaming 

again

Reading II

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, and a feral cat
living with myself remains to be the worst part

I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed 

when you were a kid

you climbed the lion gate at the zoo, they found you swinging your legs over the edge

when you were a kid

you thought boys should be able to adjust themselves any time any place

when you were a kid

you made your mom bring you cake while you played video games

when I was a kid

I was too scared to swim in the lake at summer camp

when I was a kid

I got sick at the sight of blood and had to be sent home from school

when I was a kid

I hid under my mom's dresses when she ran into people she knew at the store

I saw you and I knew

I refrained from holding your hand that very first night

it's been a tough time for us all

the lucky, the unlucky, the privileged, the desperate

we found each other lost, and poor, and tired

we smiled and laughed and talked and slept and drove and lived

I found out that everyone is just trying to make sure their friends know they love them

that we are all just trying to keep this job

that we are all trying to eat vegetables and go on walks

we are all trying to finish that book, and pick up our clothes

get home without harassment and sleep eight hours a night

we are all just trying to get through that yellow light safely

Yellow Light

when you were a kid
you climbed the lion gate at the zoo, they found you swinging your legs over the edge

when you were a kid
you thought boys should be able to adjust themselves any time any place

when you were a kid
you made your mom bring you cake while you played video games

when I was a kid
I was too scared to swim in the lake at summer camp

when I was a kid
I got sick at the sight of blood and had to he sent home from school

when I was a kid
I hid under my mom's dresses when she ran into people she knew at the store

I saw you and I knew

I refrained from holding your hand that very first night

it's been a tough time for us all

the lucky, the unlucky, the privileged, the desperate

we found each other lost, and poor, and tired

we smiled and laughed and talked and slept and drove and lived

I found out that everyone is just trying to make sure their friends know they love them

that we are all just trying to keep this job

that we are all trying to eat vegetables and go on walks

we are all trying to finish that book, and pick up our clothes

get home without harassment and sleep eight hours a night

we are all just trying to get through that yellow light safely

Reading

when my prescription bottle rattles my cat thinks that it is dry food and comes up to me
I try to put meaning to that but there is none
my cat plays with an identical plush version of himself
i am an identical plush version of myself

I haven't written anything in months, not anything
my roommate told her boyfriend that she is polygamous and got broken up with so is now dating her ex boyfriend
I liked her previous boyfriend better but understood why he did what he did

I wish that I could lay in bed and fast forward time (years)
when things are back to normal I won't care what I missed (aside from movies)
and will commence my life how I wish to now

I worry often that my cat thinks his name is Come Here
my boss told me that I like everything that I like ironically
and I realized I like that about myself ironically

my cat prefers to be occupied than touched
same
my cat only sleeps when others do
same
my cat eats a lot to get it over with quickly
same

I want to be invited to everything but have no one really mind whether it not I show
I want people to want me to accompany them so badly that they come to my door to get me
I want to be left alone for so long that I can later describe the time as introspective and transformative

finding myself only clothes shopping for you I was overcome with a strange, foreign feeling that I could be reminded of someone new, and not just that, but I wanted to get you things, with the little money I don't have, and I did, and it was worth it
it's 11pm and you will arrive in three and a half hours

I live with two insufferable 21yos, a feral cat, and an autistic narcissist
living with myself remains to be the worst part




we dance to my beat of a dead horse

disparages

marriages

noncommittal with an aversion

to such a perversion 

non-persuasive

invasive

I want space if

we can still be as close as two humans can possibly be

I want to love you so incredibly deeply

but only barely more than you love me



I wanna be in your bedroom

all blankets and drapes and candles and trees

the soft light would clean us

but we are pure already

because we are with each other

this is quieter than silence

this is how the world was meant to be

the soft light would clean us

but we are already pure

because I am with you

I wanna be in your bed




once i see that my 25oz mineral water contains salt, it tastes like ocean water and i am ill
i spent an hour on your website last night and almost filled out the form section, to tell you i am still in love with you
also to tell you that i know you are still in love with me, too, because you screenshot my snapchat
i stayed up late talking to a peripheral friend on tumblr, recommending him netflix movies while he is on vicodin
he said he started the one that i told him was my favorite, then sent another message saying it "made you feel lonely"
i wanted to correct him, and say made HIM feel lonely, but did not respond
all the flowers at work are dying and i put my coffee that i drank from back in the pot
i hope my coworkers do not drink from it, but don't really care if they do

i got my nails done for twelve dollars this weekend
as cliche as it may sound, glitter reminds me that life can be okay
and i can be happy again
he lays on my floor, and i ask him what we are going to do
we both decide to sleep instead
in four days i might see you and the sound of your voice will feel like
the sun on my face after a very long rain