Everything meant less money for me
New project, new people

I’m leaking everything I have

For what

Watery

elusive, like water
I tried to grab you with my hands
repeatedly
when you left me cold like winter I cried a torrential downpour

I thought I was frozen in time
like ice man

but you grew up and I grew up and everyone grew and grew

I still reach for you

and you engulf me

every time

The Only Thing Worse Than Seeing You Is Not Seeing You

The Only Thing Worse Than Not Seeing You Is Seeing You

“girl of my dreams

I’ll never know you

cause I never sleep”

  I finally felt I had the world at my fingertips
  but that that same world was crumbling

If you love something

starve it of attention and hope that it cares

Without Teeth

"You hover like a hummingbird
Haunt me in my sleep
You're sailing from another world
Sinking in my sea
You're feeding on my energy
I'm letting go of it
She wants it

And I run from wolves
Breathing heavily
At my feet
And I run from wolves
Tearing into me
Without teeth

I can see through you
We are the same
It's perfectly strange
You run in my veins
How can I keep you
Inside my lungs
I breathe what is yours
You breathe what is mine"

    you make me want to start writing again
   almost

"I made my mistakes, that I paid for it in heartache"

entry 1

complaining about not wanting to go to hawaii but 'having' to go is the whiteness most privledgey thing ever. i know. i think my reasons are good reasons but of course i do.

the last hour+ of my workdays consist of nothingness. i wish they consisted of work, honestly. i did filing already, i did billing, i did follow-up emails. anyway, i figured i should write something, as i have nearly half an hour to go. work is the only thing that makes me realize my time is worth something, because i could clock out now and lose nine something dollars, but i really need nine something dollars.

today i will clock out, print as close to 25 zines as i can, they are 2-up so like 12 something zines would be great. they're due thursday. friday we leave for hawaii. lizz asked if calling hawaii just hawaii was problematic and sam said no. yesterday was sam's birthday. wait no saturday was sam's birthday. we went to alameda beach, me and sam and jae and lizz and sarah. his friends met us there. judy and deo, then julia and stephi, then dorsey and louis and lindsey and others. i got in the water but did not go under because the wind was cold, the water was warm though. the conversations were nice, jae kept me warm and read his book about racism (and gender?) after the beach we all went home, then we did dinner kinda separately (jae and i missed hella vegan eats dinner and ended up at blind tiger) then we all reconvened at port. everyone was at the corner of the bar when we walked in, sam and dorsey were talking in one of the hallways. jae and i danced a lot but not all over each other, which everyone. lizz danced with us until ronnie wanted to go home. sarah left as soon as she could. sam and dorsey talked with each other almost the whole time. dorsey and lindsey when she showed up all danced. the dj somehow had his playlist hooked up on the tv so like dance versions of the music videos played, too.

dorsey and sam were standing at the exit when we went to leave, jae suggested part two and i was up for it. we went to miranda bar which was really dark and really loud, jae picked two drinks and we sat across from each other in the back and talked a lot. we had really good/personal conversations. he really thinks about everything and i love that. we tried to lyft home but the guy couldnt find us cause the app wasn't working. we cancelled the ride and got another. it was the same guy. i called him a second time and said 18th and broadway. turns out there is no 18th and broadway. his name was alvin i think and he was super nice. i even tipped.

sunday i was unwell like in the stomach and head, we slept in really late then jae and i ran errands. i went bathing suit shopping at target and stuff. we went to trader joe's and ran into lizz outside petco. my neck was real bad when i got home so i whined and slept and wimpered and put on cbd cream and jae massaged me. later he got round table pizza because i told him it sounded good. he got pineapple pizza even though he wanted basil mushroom pizza. he had never had the garlic twists before. his phone died after he ordered and he also put in the wrong address. it was definitely after midnight when he sorted it all out. we watched sharp objects and i have no idea if jae is that interested in it. he always suggests it but i think he does for me. he told me he'd move to new york with me if i moved there, not because i would but because he wanted me to know that he would, with me.

we've been getting along really well, he's drinking some but it's fine. i forgot i told him i'd stay at his place. i need to do that. we have a nice time laying at the beach and not talking, and dancing, and running errands, and lying in bed for many hours. we get along better than that i ever had with most people. we're both a small part self-interested but mostly just watching and paying attention to the other.

today is monday and i stayed in bed too long this morning cause the late eating/late going to bed/sleeping pills. i got to work and it was busy-ish which was nice, since it's been so incredibly slow. sometimes i feel guilty for wasting all this time towards the end of most days, sometimes i don't. if i made more money i like to think i'd 1. try harder 2. clock out sooner. i hope this is true.

hopefully i'll write more in HI. i am looking forward to it some, i haven't relaxed in a while. i'll be stressed some about plans and stuff, and staying with the burkes, and money. but not that much compared to normal life. jae is watching gaspar which is great, it's the only reason i wouldn't want him to go. august is usually worse than this honestly, i mean i guess it's been pretty bad. i need to call my brother. i am going to go clock out. tonight i am giving peter his job finally, then i am going tanning with lizz. oh, mailing holly and sarah before that - maybe. i keep thinking about that pizza, my stress-eating has been bad, and preemptive. i'll make a to-do list here soon and it will make me feel better. i'll start it now:

1. mail allie beer
2. email unity about zines (and trading inks?)
3. get nails done?
4. do laundry before i go
5. backayrd
6. give dylan money
7.

I like thinking about melancholy as a big black dog
as it has been described
your companion always close at your side
imagining this dog, dark and unwavering
brings me a very specific sort of peace

my body does this thing where it opposite of dissociates
where I really know how mine it is

some days I’m so certain we are communicating in a hidden secret language
of memories and lost love
other days I remember we’re just posting dumb shit to our stories

my whole life I’ve shied away from labels
I didn’t want to be anything, or anything to be boxed in
once I got health insurance and showed up to kaiser I shed all my morals

yes I am a 27 YEAR OLD CISHET WHITE FEMALE WITH CLINICAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

are you able to waive my copay?

you do this thing now where if I won’t get off my phone or look at you
you ask me what I’m doing on my phone and it gets me excited and happy for a moment as I describe it to you and then can go back to my phone

I still can’t really pronounce the word cullingigus

I heard one time in a movie if you act out all of the symptoms of crying it’s the best way to get yourself to cry for real
so I tried for a while and it sort of worked
but I didn’t feel any better

I like to feel like the FBI agent assigned to me is mildly entertained

in all situations “read the room” is good advice I try to convince myself to take
but cut to me at karaoke night 5 minutes and 9 seconds in to welcome to the black parade

I think about you seeing me after all this time
and asking me how I ended up
with this car

do you think when moviepass was founded 11 years ago
that if stacy and hamet were able to see what it became today
that they wouldn’t have started it at all

I’ve been wondering that about a lot of things

24hr Chip

mental illness runs rampant
like a sort of forest fire

at a certain point you no longer attempt to contain
but instead predict outcomes and work with devastation

you mourn destruction a little less
and completely stop wondering what if

freedom isn’t an uphill battle
it is an imaginary light at the end of a very real tunnel we’ve been running towards for so many years

all the medicine cabinets, sock drawers, re-uptake inhibitors, intervenes calms
all the staggered breathing, lies and no phones home

no one's safe, really
false idols and broken father figurines
your mother has run out of tears and sleeping pills
and no one really works
but so many meetings

no one uses the addicted word
because we could all stop anything if we really really really wanted to

(it sounds as if we are in this together, but we aren't) 

so choose your vice then can’t think, twice
incapable of choosing to end anything
even your life

avoid mirrors and seek psychics
read your palm before the news

10 of cups reversed, the tower, so predictable, and cyclical

you can’t see clearly, and he can’t see clearly
and she can’t see clearly

me and you, we learned 12 steps before we learned to walk

these tired troubled hands seem as intrepid as twisted
something dark comes knocking

your ears are ringing

sometimes you can’t help but answer the phone

I like it when you snore
I like it when you sweat
I like when you touch my feet
I like when you cuss too much
I like when you’re out too late
I like when you surprise me at work
I like it when wear the same clothes
I like it when you’re around too much
I like when you kiss too much in public

Everyone walks around feeling like they aren’t quite enough
of who they are, or who they want to be

but what if the amount that you were, is quite enough

how would you be?

God’s Divine Calling

I wore my heart on my sleeve
but I gave you that sweatshirt of mine
in a box, when you left me

you cried and I did too

but I forgive you
you’ll just never forgive yourself

I laid in bed
crushed
my spine
I let you take your time
some have to catch up
I’m so advanced
or so I thought staring nervously
at my hands
so you ran
and I thought it was me, but knew it was you
we became unglued
just a sticky mess
you collected your objects and left all your things
I try to close my eyes
I try not to wait for the phone to ring
there was nothing left to say
I had a feeling if I touched you we would be okay
but you kept your distance and I kept my pride
my anxious stressed body
your bottles and your line, I waited at the end of
I don’t know where you go
but am here when you return
so selfless
in craving happiness
though none of your concern

“I long for your touch, but won’t ask too much”

March 30

Overheard at a bar, “The things you showed me still make me sick”

he said I can’t even pretend I’m not going to do every little thing you ask of me

we ignore the big things

he is the elephant in the room

Scope

you said in the car that scientifically people have a more extensive range of happiness,
while other's cap at a lower level than some are able to achieve

this means, scientifically, some will find themselves much sadder than another could ever experience

these select humans, if astute, may find each other

——

Mouth

there are flavors that haunt us, sicken
just the thought makes me shudder

you can’t eat chocolate anymore

I still wonder the aftertaste
of just one

I am alien now

never quite at home
look at my fingers

this isn't a cry for help
I would have cried already
and already
and already

did you delete my number
do you ever seek photos of my face

I am an alien now
without you

I am an alien
I am frightened

do you remember
when this was requited

I Dreamed

 ”I dreamed you dreamed of me”

Mental Ill

mental illness runs rampant
like a sort of forest fire

at a certain point you no longer attempt to contain
but instead predict outcomes and work with devastation

you mourn destruction a little less
and completely stop wondering what if

freedom isn’t an uphill battle
it is an imaginary light at the end of a very real tunnel we’ve been running towards for so many years

all the band-aids, re-uptake inhibitors, intervenes calms
all the staggered breathing, lies and no phones home

no one's safe, really
false idols and broken father figurines
your mother has run out of tears and sleeping pills
and no one really works
but so many meetings

choose your vice then can’t think, twice
incapable of choosing to end anything
even your life

avoid mirrors and seek psychics
read your palm before the news

the world is sick but the people are sicker
around and around the sun

so predictable, and cyclical

you can’t see clearly, and he can’t see clearly
and she can’t see clearly

me n you, we learned 12 steps before we learned to walk

these tired trouble hands seem as intrepid as twisted
something dark comes knocking

your ears are ringing

sometimes you can’t help but answer the phone

I was never a writer
I was only in love with you