Best Frand

"mildly masochistic tendencies

i love it when my mom stays at paul's on saturday nights, because i get to sleep naked and in the morning drink coffee and read post secrets. i love my horses and knowing that no one will ever take better care of them. i love riding down a hill on my bike, and realizing that i also rode up it and no one i know can do that. i love that i don't care anymore. i love that i don't get embarrassed. i've been dropped off in piece of shit cars, lived in trailers, used my ebt card....whatever. lowest of the low i suppose? my dad said that we don't get embarrassed, he never did. had to fight the kid at every new school who decided to call him brenda. always poor, but somehow always the king. its become easy for me to look at people and not give a fuck. i'm prettier than you. i'm a better person than you. go home to your fucking hideous family and cable tv and fuck off. i like being poor because it gives me more cause to hate the world and most of the people in it. knowing that they never will help anyone who really needs it. make even the slightest difference. they will produce too many mediocre children. then they'll have a reason to live with their parents and stay unemployed and head down to the welfare office. ugly people giving birth to ugly kids. i used to want kids. kids of my own. like in a weird almost obsessive way. i had all my baby names picked out and a list of middle names to go along too. i'm sure probably i will have my own child at some point, if i'm married or something. but i want to adopt children. not because i want to be a good person, the kind of person who does something "selfless" for your own whatever, making it all about you and how great you are and how fucking selfish you really really are. i want some child who doesn't have parents, who has known what it is to be hungry or scared or alone or just what it is to go without. those things children shouldn't have to deal with. why do people have to make copies of themselves? why is it so important to have your own children? you're all ugly and fat and shitty and mean. babies are cute but they turn into adults who turn into ignorant asssholes. nobody wants to take responsibility for the way they world is, fucking help. your little meaningless life is more important to you. fine. it just makes me hate you more. and that's all i want. cause to hate"