January

AN EXTREMELY DRAMATIC RECAP OF A VIRTUALLY UNEVENTFUL EVENING:

I wrote this in January, but thought that I would type it up for the first time, so here it is (as written).

Sometimes you don't know if everything is falling apart or coming together. Every choice has a consequence, sometimes it's hard being the choice, sometimes making the choice. But I never knew I would feel the unavoidable constant twinge of misery of a choice being made, and my emotions being that consequence. He apologized a thousand times before swinging onto my lap, he apologized a thousand times before kissing my mouth. And I promised him things thousands of times before I pulled off his white ski jacket, and after. He asked me if anyone ever really meant what he said to me and meant, and I didn't know. But he was looking into my eyes so deep I had to quickly turn my head every once in a while. He gave me the privacy I didn't feel I deserved, and we stood then at the back of my whitened car and he pulled me in so tight and squeezed, and rubbed until I was no longer freezing; hidden from the icy air. I said I want no regrets and I'm thinking about You. He said he wouldn't. Just as he wasn't thinking about anybody else. He said I meant the world, he never wanted to be one of those guys he always asked about, and I said I just wanted to be something good. I replied with he cared and therefore he was different. He said I was always something good. If he didn't chose me he said he would still have feelings and I told him I felt so bad for that. He looked at me and said, "I love you" and I whispered it back before he laid down and sprawled out. I drove him home and after I turned around in that driveway, he said give me a kiss and I did, and after he gave me one too. I remembered my dream a couple nights previous. He said text him when I arrived home, i had to promise again. my inbox held two text messages by the time I crept up my steps (far beyond the hours of my curfew) and began to reply with little thought put in each word. I realized everything was fine, because everything was supposed to happen exactly like it did, and I could smell him in my bed curling up in my sweatshirt. I thought he was perfect. But also told myself someday I would be someone's number one, not two. And things would be different one day. I called the store and after so many rings I hung up quietly on the voicemail. I told myself sleepily that I wouldn't be a secret, and wouldn't have to keep one. I woke up and wanted to see him soon. I glanced at a wet-wipe, all used, dried, and even a little torn up, and my stomach fluttered at what it was used for previously and how it laid folded on my nightstand.

No

one

knowing

but

us.

I went to bed hopeful after going to bed so unsure. I couldn't forget his initial pull-away. And how he touched my leg after stating he would never, ever forget.

Maybe this was his plan, all along. That saying, "A guy will do anything..." kept going through my head and I wish it ever did in the first place. Maybe he was planning to tell me I was beautiful before he even saw me there, before we laid there and before I reached for his hand and looked into his eyes. He said he never wanted to be one of those guys to me. Until 24 hours passed and he topped them all. This wasn't a choice, but was one person having an advantage over another. He probably pulled away form my face just to look at it, and know I wanted what he wanted, but different of course. He paid for the movie ticket just to tease me, and ran over to open the door before I walked into his set up. I knew he cared but the one thing we happened not to discuss was his caring for her more. When he talked to his step-mom and stated he has known me for so long, maybe that wasn't so that I could hear him say it. But actually, so I really wouldn't have to walk up to his house, step inside and meet is parents. How can 'I love you' mean anything when his cell phone dies nights before he he never calls, knowing my number. His apologies were real, but I misunderstood them to be for something I didn't know had a certain predetermined outcome. He said he was glad this had happened before with someone else previously in my life, but I never thought that had anything to do with guilt. Every time I turned away from his stare he asked things like if he made me shy, but most likely just knowing he did and that it was one more thing to use against me. When we sat close to each other, legs touching, in the frosty winter air I thought ironically that his lack of eye contact, and resisting to touch me as I shook from the cold was in fact to protect me. I should have drove off and said goodbye and meant it when I glanced at his glowing cellphone screen in the dark, only to see a picture of him and her together as the background. I was foolish, to listen to his speech about 'playing girls' and to feel sorry for him as he recited it. I took the word grateful for the wrong meaning. And when he looked at my face, propped up by my hand, while the other held occupied touching his leg, and he said he would never forget this night, I heard that he would not forget the night already had, while he was speaking really about the part of the night that he was determined was to come. As we stood outside again, compliments spilling from his mouth, maybe without my hesitance he never would have hugged and squeezed to keep me warm. That kiss goodbye, that doing everything right, was probably a facade to mask what really happened so maybe when the story was being told I could remember those parts. These were all my choices and my self-inflicted consequences called feelings.

Sometimes so in synch things fall together and come apart.