Amplified Flaws

It's been a really hard week. I want to write to figure this all out. I shut myself out almost completely, and float in this abyss of self loathing and doubt. I've just been having a really hard time, with everything. I am so vastly incapable. Everything just seems so laid out on the table. The movie I saw last night affected me so deeply. Work has been more of a struggle than I could ever explain. I take everything so personally always everywhere that I just want to cry, but I don't, I just get angrier with myself for feeling so much, I try to withdraw, but can't. I have just really been on some how could anyone love me shit, super hard lately. When I can't ride a bike, when I stammer, stutter and forget words, when I get lost the moment I leave the house, when I can't do math, when I get so nervous and sweat. I feel so marginalized, I feel so different, I feel so left out and only wish to be alone all the while. I want to mourn, suffer, sleep, get through. I hate every person, every conversation, my reaction to things, the monotony of all this mediocrity and hypocrisy. Can you have complex relationships with simple people? I've been finding myself asking myself this question quite often. Was it me making it overtly complex, or was it bound to turn out that way? There may be nothing worse than how caught up in the past I am, I am severely worried I may never enjoy the present again, contrasting it constantly against the perfection that was. I just wonder if I have complete control, does anyone else even so much as play a part? I just cannot live with myself. And certainly not anyone else.