Ease

It was crazy to see it. I experienced an idea previously so subconscious. When you see your life as being simply on one of the paths you looked around, and were on. But that's just it, some paths take me than just stumbling and ambling, wandering and meandering. My path, the one I am now on, and will be for I don't know how long, this path took everything. It took strength, courage, a combination of a whole lot of things that I did not know I had any of. The other day I looked around, in the quiet serenity, and I saw tangible proof that another life existed, so close to mine, despite how outrageously different. I was alone, there was not so much as music to entertain me, I needed it not to block out a sound, there was no sound. I was amongst trees, and family, but independent, self-reliant. I slept with the heat on, and the space heater, with the window open. I showered without closing the door, I set no alarm, I did not worry about money, or time. I spoke to everyone when I left the house, I explained myself, I was asked to. The socialzing, the plans, the good times, they were already set up, just waiting for me to get there. 

There was not only a quaintness to it all, floating around in a half numb, half reminiscent state. There was something manageable, it was not overwhelming, it was not overbearing. I skipped breakfast when I wasn't hungry, I was handed chew toys, twenty dollar bills. I knew the roads with my eyes closed, but when I opened them I was flooded with familiar lingering pain, with no cure, because of them. This way, so seemingly temporary to me (with the knowledge of its possible permanence, and what that would feel it) it was quite variant to what took all that I had to create. It's true, it is not perfect, it is makeshift and messy, close-knit, stressful, overbearing, unfamiliar, jumbling my words, new situations. But you know what I drew in when I breathed all that surrounded me, so near to the ideal I would describe if I were asked to describe it, I felt proud. It takes a lot for me to think of anything at all as near an accomplishment, but I wasn't here, in the warm, dark, cozy and accustomed isolation, I was making a conscious choice to do what is more difficult, more new, different, scary and terrible, I was accepting change and growth, I forged a new path, with my bare hands. I still am