Thursday, October 31, 2013

Go


Where do you go
when you go?
I swear to god sometimes I think that the only difference between us 
is that I am still here

Specific Order

 "I'm saying that I lived too long. You want them to actually miss you. You want their memories of you to be... but she just won't... she just won't understand. I mean, no matter how well I explain it, these days she just has this... this... I mean, I truly believe there exists some combination of words. There must exist certain words in a certain specific order that can explain all of this, but with her I just can't ever seem to find them."

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Email

I had an dream that you sent me an email saying that you missed me, and asked me what my work schedule was.
I woke up surprised that I could be any more pathetic, but then again I guess it was my self-conscious.

Bibli BOOKS

The Best of Philip K Dick
Bishop TImothy Archer
Forthcoming. This is a fiction, but not a science fiction, novel. It is also the third, and final, book of the VALIS trilogy. It is scheduled for release in Spring 1982 as a Timescape hardcover book. The publisher has tentatively changed the title to THE TRASMIGRATION OF BISHOP TIMOTHY ARCHER.
The Book of Philip K Dick
Clans of the Alphane Moon
Chuck Ritterdorf is a CIA agent who has been duped by his hateful wife into moonlighting for a comedian in the pay of aliens. Betrayed on all sides, Chuck's only refuge is Alphane, a former hospital colony for psychotics. He is accompanied by his advisor, a telepathic slime-mold. All of Rittersdorf's enemies and allies meet on the psychotic planetoid, to settle their own differences and also to negotiate the Terran-Alphane war.
Confessions of a Crap Artist
A mainstream fiction novel told from several viewpoints, including those of Jack Isidore, a borderline psychotic; Fay Isidore Hume; Charley Hume and Nathan Anteil. The story concerns life in West Marin County, California; including observations on modern life, infidelity and a UFO-watchers group. 
The Cosmic Puppets
Ted Barton returns to the isolated town of his youth. He finds it subtly different. Places and people have been added and taken away. Some inhabitants have strange god-like powers. The intelligence controlling the town will not, not let anyone escape.
Counter-Clock World
The Hobart Phase has the effect of reversing entropy; bodies revive in the grave, the old grow younger, inventions are forgotten and books are unwritten. The institutes of power are the Vitariums, which sell the old people when they revive; a socio-religious movement called the FNM; and the Library, which is rumoured to illegally preserve knowledge doomed to be undiscovered. Representatives of all three institutions are waging an undeclared war over the body and soul of the newly revived Anarch Peak, the former and future leader of the FNM. (This novel was expanded from the story: "Your Appointment will be Yesterday.")
The Crack in Space
Frozen sleep seems like humane way to end unemployment and overpopulation pressures: Send the excess citizens to the future. The government warehouses are filled with bibs when a political fight erupts over whether or not to dispose of them through a space-warp. Then some unknown outside agency helps the sleepers to awake.
Les Delires Divergents De Philip K. Dick
Deus Irae
The atomic war which mostly destroyed the Earth is known to have been caused by the God of Wrath, one Carelton Lufteufel. His church is armless but still the best painter of the age, is sent by the Servants of Wrath to meet Carleton Lufteufel and paint his likeness. (Parts of his book were adapted from short stories titled: "The Great C" and "A Planet From Transients.")
The Divine Invasion
An air collision jeopardizes the successful conclusion of the Second Coming. Emmanuel's Appolonian and Dionysian selves are divided by partial amnesia. Their reintegration is opposed by Belial's forces of decay, which control the Earth. The Paraclete's foster father, Herb Asher, faces problems with his own redemption. Herb finds allies in the prophet Elijah, his partner in a retail audio store; and in singer Linda Fox, his own true love and a construct energized by VALIS. (Parts of this novel coexist with the short story: "Chains of Air, Web of Aether.")
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
Nexus-6 androids are almost human; a lack of empathy is their only flaw. Eight of them flee Mars and hide among the citizens of the depopulated San Francisco Bay Area. Rick Decard, a police bounty hunter, must find and eliminate them. Difficulties arise because on a devastated Earth all life is sacred to the followers of Wilbur Mercer, even subnormal chickenheads, electric animals and androids who believe themselves human.
Dr. Bloodmoney, or How We Got Along After The Bomb
A Post-nuclear war society struggles to recontruct itself in an isolated setting. Kept in contact with the outside world by an orbiting disc-jockey, the group's members include Bill, an encysted telepathic twin; Bruno Bluthgeld, the weapons expert responsible for the war; and Hoppy Harrington, a phocomelus who makes a frightening power play for the domination of the colony.
Dr. Futurity
A time machine pulls a twenty-first century doctor four hundred years into the future. The science of medicine is then unknown because of a eugenics and voluntary euthansia scheme. Parsons, the doctor, becomes involved in a complex time-hopping plot to change the course of the past by assassinating Sir Francis Drake.
Eye in the Sky
Eight people are injured in a nuclear particle-beam accident. Miraculously alive, all of them begin to experience odd alternations in the onto-logic fabric of existence. The survivors discover they are living in the objective dream worlds of the four most neurotic members of the group.
Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said
Experiments with a world-shifting drug draw Jason Taverner, a famous entertainer, into an alternate reality in which he is more than anonymous. Taverner is immediately harassed by the police state organization of the new world. Taverner learns his displacement has been caused by Alys Backman, the police commissioner's psychotic sister-lover, who is in love with him.
Galactic Pot-Healer
The Glimmung, an alien with supernatural powers, has assembled several demoralized groups of artisans to aid in the restoration of a mystical sunken cathedral. The cathedral is surrounded by ontological and epistemological symbols and events, and is guarded by an evil anti-Glimmung.
The Game-Players of Titan
The human remnants of the intersystem wars play a territory-oriented game designed to maximize births in an almost sterile population. Pete Garden, with the assistance of some Psis, determines that the Titanian vugs are horning in on the game, and that an even more radical faction of the vugs wants to sterilize Terra entirely.
The Ganymede Takeover
The worm-like, telepathic Ganymedeans have conquered and are now beginning to occupy the Earth. Pockets of resistance are forming, chief among them in the Bale of Tennessee. News reporters, dissident black separatists and former world government psychologists are uniting there to sabotage, suborn and defeat the Ganymedeans and Earth's own reactionary elements.
The Golden Man
A Handful of Darkness
Lies, INC.
Le Livre D'or De La Science-Fiction Philip K. Dick
The Man in the High Castle
The Axis powers have won the Second World War. Japan and Germany have divided and occupied the United States. One man, Hawthorne Abensen, has correctly divined an alternate existence and he serves as a rally post for dissident Americans and a target for Nazi exterminators. The Nazis have a plan for exterminating the rest of non-Aryan humanity too, involving a putative Swedish diplomat named Baynes and Mr. N. Tagomi, a mild-mannered trade attache in occupied San Francisco.
The Man Who Japed
Earth is in the repressive grip of Morec--Moral Reclamation--a spying, hereditary government. The only alternatives to its strict control are emigration or psychotherapy. Allen Purcell is one of the leaders of Morec; a man who designs ethical propaganda for the edification of the citizens. Without realizing the symbology behind his actions, Purcell has defaced the statue of Major Streeter, the central figure of Morec. It is not clear to Purcell whether his deeds mean revolution or insanity.
Martian Time-Slip
The unions control Mars, the colonial world of speculations, and Arnie Kott the plumber is at the top of the heap. Arnie wants to use the time-warping abilities of Manfred, a schizophrenic child, to control Martian real estate. Kott sets Jack Bolen the task of building a machine to communicate with Manfred. Instead, Manfred catches them up in the degenerating time-loop, fearing the vision of his own future. Only the martians can communicate telepathically with Manfred and aid him in escaping from a future that is gradually spreading back to obliterate the past.
A Maze of Death
A disgruntled group of misfits is moved to an experimental planet after personal contact with their transcendent deity. Though Delmak-0 is supposed to be uninhabited, the colonists begin to suffer frequent and unusual deaths. Upon infiltration of a hidden building, they discover they are guinea pigs in a long range experiment, and that they themselves are the experimenters.
Millemondinverno 1975: The Romanzi Completi Di Philip K. Dick
Now Wait For Last Year
Eric Sweetscent is a brilliant surgeon with a psychotic wife. He is co-opted into preserving the life of Earth's strongman, Gino Molinari, Molinari is directing Earth's efforts in the Proxman-Reeg interstellar war. Earth has entered the struggle on the side of the Proxmen, who appear to be losing the moral conflict as well as the war. JJ-180, a deadly and addictive drug, propels Sweetscent and Molinari through time and alternate continuums in attempts to find options to the Proxmen's domination of the Earth.
De Onmogelijke Planeet
Our Friends from Frolix 8
Super-intelligent New Men led by Amos Ild and telepathic Unusuals led by Willis Gram alternate control of Earth's government. When Nick Appleton, selected as a random representation of the Normals, shows signs of rebellion and discontent, Gram orders action against the followers of Thors Provoni, the spiritual leader of the Normals. Provoni is even at the moment returning from an interstellar voyage with some powerful extraterrestrial allies from the Frolixian System.
The Owl in Daylight
The Penultimate Truth
Most humans live in tank cities far below the surface of the Earth, believing themselves to be safe from the ongoing nuclear war above their heads. In fact, the war has been over ten years, and instead of a radioactive ruin, the planet is a vast park, ruled by feudal barons who are playing power politics with the buried masses of their fellow men.
A Philip K. Dick Omnibus
The Preserving Machine
Le Retour Des Explorateurs
A Scanner Darkly
Bob Arctor leads a double life. As a drug-pusher, he is killing his friends and himself with Substance D. D means death. In his other persona, Bob is a narcotics agent named Fred who is hot on the trail of a pusher by the name of Bob Arctor.
A Simulacra
A vivacious young woman named Nicole Thibodeaux has for seventy-three years been running the United States as the president's wife. Nicole's husbands are manufactured by a German instrument company associated with a drug cartel which was just managed to obtain the president's order banning psychoanalysis. One psychoanalysis, Dr. Egon Superb, is left in practice because he happens to be treating Nicole's favorite entertainers. (Parts of this incredibly complex novel first appeared as the short story: "Novelty Act.")
Solar Lottery
Anyone may become world director by the random selection of his power card within a magnetic bottle. Most people have sold their power cards and this placed themselves in thrall to the powerful fuedal economic barons. A renegade politician with his eyes on the stars comes director, and the deposed fuedal baron attempts his assassination with the aid of a pseudo-human construct.
Een Swibbel Voor Dag En Nacht
The Three Stigmata of Palmer Edlritch
Can-D allows the system's demoralized colonists to retreat into acceptable fantasy analogue of Earth. Leo Bulero gets rich by supplyinh their needs. When Palmer Edritch returns from the Prox system with a better drug, Leo is concerned and hostile. The new drug, Choo-z, transports its users to universes of their own, which they can manipulate as they will. These universes all have a common god, however, and that god is Palmer Eldritch.
Time Out of Joint
Ragel Gumm believes himself to be a drone, living with his in-laws and supporting himself by anticipating patterns in a supposedly random newspaper contest. When Ragel accidentally breaks out of his carefully constructed reality, he discovers he is neither where, when nor whom he believes himself to be. His idle newspaper game is, in fact, the only thing preserving Earth's military dictatorship from destruction in the Lunar-Terran conflict.
The Transmigration of Bishop Timothy Archer
The Turning Wheel
Ubik
Psis and anti-psis wage a commercial and political war for high stakes. Joe Chip, a psionic tester acting on an important mission for his partially decreased boss, Glen Runciter, discovers certain anomalies in the cosmos. People begin to fade, artifacts begin to turn stale and disappear, and a boy named Jory is transmitting his thoughts like powerful radio signals into Joe's mind. The only way Joe can stabilize the deteriorating world is to spray it with Ubik--compressed ubiquity.
The Unteleported Man
Of the Sol system's two mega-corporations, one has already been gutted and the other is still trying to stave off the German-run, fascistic United Nations government. The government is using a mysterious one-way teleportation system to populate a second Earth, but messages from this colony have been proven to be fakes, Rachmael von Applebaum wants to use the only remaining asset of his bankrupt corporation, an inter-stellar ship, to make the eighteen year physical journey to investigate the fate of millions of colonists.
Valis
A coterie of religious seekers forms to explores the revelatory visions of one Horselover Fat; a semi-autobiographical analogue of PKD. The group's hermeneutical research leads to a rock musician's estate where they confront the Messiah; a two-year-old named Sophia. She confirms their suspicions that an ancient, mechanical intelligence orbiting the Earth has been guiding their discoveries.
The Variable Man
Vulcan's Hammer
After the Atomic War, men turn over control of their society to Vulcan III, a computer. In the static civilization thus created, the Healers lead the lower strata of society in a revolution that threatens stability. There are also certain imitations that Vulcan III is not the impartial controller it once was, and that it will fight for its own survival.
We Can Build You
A fly-by-night musical instrument company produces a mechanical replica of Edwin M. Stanton. The design of a neurotic girl and a deteriorated engineer, it fails to impress the shady entrepreneur who commissioned it. Next the factory builds a Lincoln simulacrum which proves to be more in touch with reality than many of its builders.
The World Jones Made
Fed-gov is reconstructing the post-war world according to the precepts of relativism. Jones, a former carnival fortune-teller and preacher who can see a year into the future, says the alien drifters, origin unknown, are the greatest threat the world faces, a problem the Fed-gov refuses to deal with. Jones forms a fanatical organization to deal with the drifters and the Fed-gov.
World of Chance
The Zap Gun
Lars Powderdry is a mystic in a cold war world. He enters a trance and returns with new weapons designs for the Wes-Bloc powers. Some are plowshared, or disguised as innocuous items. Lars' Peep-East equivalent maintains the status quo with her own weapons, but the balance of tension cannot be preserves.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Beside You

"Funny it was me 
who let you down"

I awake
groveling, grasping
peacefully
at that dream
to spend a few more minutes with you
(who knows how many years it will be)
we were sitting in the sand
the surrounding world had disappeared
as it does
I try to make you smile with my words
you laugh
I feel the warmth in my heart
taking a picture
it was the last on the camera
I keep winding
until I reach the point where I believe I have lost it all

"We never met you and I
we were always inside
we were always inside one another
and I'll live without you love
but what good is one glove,
without the other?"

Friday, October 25, 2013

Goal

Audacity

"au·dac·i·ty
n. pl. au·dac·i·ties
1. Fearless daring; intrepidity.
2. Bold or insolent heedlessness of restraints, as of those imposed by prudence, propriety, or convention.
3. An act or instance of intrepidity or insolent heedlessness"

Stifled


so I bottle my emotions in the form of a tiny ship
send it your way like a brick through your glassy waves 
sometimes it makes it to you and sometimes not

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Drawn

You hate yourself, you really, really do.

Ergo you are drawn to people your contrary, near opposites in many ways.
In the ways you dislike yourself they are dissimilar, while in the ways that you secretly appreciate how you are, they are also quite different. You see your choice in loved ones, spend your days examining those closest. The relationships struggle, the turmoil of disagreements, misunderstandings, and disappointment in character, it all takes it toll. Although, it does more than simply wear you down, you're the self-defeating type, you are critical, you so oft blame yourself. In turn, and increasingly with time, you find yourself in a befuddling companionship; you adore it so, yet you find it is the cause for not self-acceptance, but self-hate. Perpetuating the cycle, and furthering all pessimistic thoughts, because you're bound to suffer within it, but you are again worth nothing in its aftermath.

Thoughtful

You are the least thoughtful person on the face of the earth,
and I will spend my life trying to teach myself otherwise 

Grooves

"the needle's worn the grooves too deep"

Rather

"I'd rather have an aquarium than a tv."

Oct Two

 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Twisted


You're the knife in my back, I sleep on my stomach now, ever since.
I thought about the last time that I was happy, like I could be now, and you were still taunting me then, sitting in your car parked outside of the theater.
Well, I am done.

Every Gesture Grandiose And Over-romantic

She had been sitting off to the side in the darkness, waiting.
I had a dream that I was sitting on your front porch, and you let her in, instead of me.
I knew that I was next, 
but I left, 
for not being first.

Monday, October 21, 2013

For Nothing

Oh but every once in a while this little notion comes creeping. If I've learned nothing else in the last ten years of myself, it's that I adore the feeling of giving up. It's so good, safe, satisfying, it's so beautiful, right. What could be more fitting then defeat of my choice, my decision. I see myself literally slipping back, calm, calculated, an expiration date come due. I open my eyes and I am surrounded by silent woods, not one single sound, there is not an obligation on my horizon, nor concern. All of my inconveniences are aliviated, all my struggles barely sturr me. All persons, conflicts, grossness, uncomforibilty, evaporated seeming, so far off. I am uncommunicative, unreachable and owing explainations to no one. Forfeit. There are no alarm clocks here, I do not feel panic stricken about money, I never could, for it holds so little weight here. No bills, timelines, calendars, tiredness. There is only the sweet surrender of fucking giving up. The white sun shines through the pines and heats my skin, and heart. It's so soothing, and nothing aside from this is real in the slightest, I sit there alone, only pondering why it was I would labor so much.

Intolerance For Mediocrity

Do you know why everyone close to you leaves you?
I'll tell you.

And you're more than lucky that you only had to prove yourself once.

Glances

I awoke promising myself not to write this down, but coming to terms with this remaining in my head, and that distinct, familiar feeling in my chest, I knew it had recurred, rather never left, and was unmistakably here to stay.


It was a huge warehouse, partially indoor and partially out. I remember my dad being there, waiting for me to finish whatever it was I was doing. Lingering around. The walls were plain, concrete, the grassy patches outsides were sparse, and desaturated. All my bosses and coworker hustled about, detracted my their tasks, passing by silently. I remember he stood to my left, tall, in a flawless way. The feeling exuting from him, into me was unparalleled, everyone else was ruined. He was back, and I was assured that he was into me. When we kissed it did not seem as though he was going to leave, the looks we shared were the the most comforting thing in the world. I could feel it deeply, whether I looked, or not. As we walked around outside, it felt amazing just to be next to him. I wondered if anyone was watching, but they did not appear to be. I knew my father needed to be addressed, and that I needed return to work. I wondered then if he would kiss me in front of my boss, in front of my dad. I concieved he probably would be ashamed to be seen with me, despite our private feelings. I thought then that it really meant something that he could care for me, be attracted to me like this, now, years later. I recall my face seeming grotesque to me, I loved him more for seeing past my faults. The moment came, and he moved his face down close to mine, displaying for me his right cheek, I kissed it three, maybe four times, fast. I did what I wanted to, and it meant everything to me that I was able to. (It meant nothing who noticed.)

Warning


I love ignoring warning signs

but that's not what faith means

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Awkward Burdensome

"
in·trac·ta·ble

inˈtraktəbəl/
adjective
  1. 1.
    hard to control or deal with.

in·trac·ta·ble (n-trkt-bl)
adj.
1. Difficult to manage or govern; stubborn.
2. Difficult to mold or manipulate.
3. Difficult to alleviate, remedy, or cure.

Intractable is an adjective describing high complexity, which makes it difficult to change, manipulate, or resolve an issue.
"


"Their faults can be as large in scale as their virtues, and an excessively negative Leonian can be one of the most unpleasant human beings imaginable, displaying extreme arrogance, autocratic pride, haughtiness, and excessive hastiness of temper. If jealously suspicious of rivals, they will not hesitate to use cunning, lies and trickery to discredit them. Self-centeredness, greed for flattery, boastfulness, and bombast, pomposity, snobbish superiority, and overbearing, and intolerant disdain of underlings; to whom they will nevertheless delegate the carrying out of minor details in their grandiose schemes, and from whom they are not above borrowing immoderately if an occasion necessitates it.
Those who are afflicted with them also have the intelligence it takes to consciously and actively overcome them. 
[They] are more disillusioned than the average if let down by those they trust. 
They are not good judges of character and are inclined to favoritism and an exaggerated faith in their followers which too often ends in disappointment."