I Look Back

no one will ever love you like I did, what a relief that must be, you knowing that.

god, I don't trust anyone here. If you were here maybe I wouldn't either, I probably wouldn't. I look back, and think of the times you had betrayed me. I do not care for the truth coming out, so long as it isn't from the person themselves. I bury myself in old wounds, must be bored with you off living your life. I then remind myself what I must do, what I should be doing here. I repeat a little list in my head, keep your head down, do not talk too much, make as much money as you are able however you are able, put nothing before that, spend less, take care of yourself, stop reminencing, don't trust anyone, exercise more, stop eating so often, sleep as much as you are able however you are able, let time fly by, stop being so emotional, be present, be nowhere, be nothing, be normal. The list is some variations of those things, or thoughts relating to them. I want to do things I enjoy, too. I like movies, I like talking on the phone, I hope to read more, I like writing, and projects, doing things for others, I hope to do that more. I just wish that something felt as though I was doing the right thing, a sure plan. I cannot decipher if it would beneficial for me to be alone, or not healthy at all. I feel so traumatized and sensitive I have a difficult time interacting. I get so nervous. I get so down. I guess I'm just sad tonight cause I grow bored without you, because I am comforting myself using the thought that if it were between you and them, you and anyone else, I'd trust you with my life. It scares me, not the distrust, the mistrust.