Negativity/Inevitability

How short is it worth having someone in your life before they leave?

Reason

I walk into work today and it is 88 degrees. the air conditioning has been broken for what i believe to be weeks now. i called my boss to tell him that it was ninety degrees (plus black pants, a shirt, hat and apron) and he told me that we should drink some water. when i walked out of work it was ninety one and my face was wet with sweat. i love cold showers. and a friend of mine happened to come bring me an iced mocha when i told her about how work was going. my advice before i left for the night: clock out of work at 8:15, no matter how late you end up working.

hah

"this is how you deal with your life, you don't take care of it. you go and use my bathroom."

"you need to grow up, you're not a little girl anymore"

Mom

Today

• I am feeling really grateful today. There are so many people in my life that I feel I do not deserve, and I have an extraordinary handful of close friends that really stayed there with me. I just wish I could somehow convey in words/actions how much they truly, truly effect and mean to me. At the same time, I have to be proud of myself for first of all being friends with these people, and second of all (somehow) not destroying the friendship and (hopefully) being there for them like they are for me.

• If I had a dollar for every time I deleted you out of my phone I would be a much richer human being. And look at that however you'd like, but either way that means I had to type your name out and put you back in again.

• I went to the river today, it was gorgeous and made my day pretty spectacular. I learn so much every day and knowing that I really believe is what is keeping me going. The friend I chose to invite made me realize so much about how I want to spend my time with the type of people who are easy to be around, and people who make me feel 100% comfortable. Thank you for telling me I am a good driver, thank you for hiking down the hill with me and putting up with my anxious nature, thank you for helping me navigate and paying attention to me when I needed it, thank you for trying to float down the current on your back when I told you that you should, thank you for laying on the rocks with me so I was never alone and letting the silence be so carefree when we were not conversing, thank you for thanking me for taking you after I thanked for you coming with me.

• I can't stand to think about you with another girl, it makes me sick to think about someone else even believing whatsoever that they enjoy your company and like things about your personality. I think about you every day and I love things about you that maybe no one else ever will. Sometimes I think about it, and don't understand how you could do this to somebody you cared about. I'm sorry I didn't answer, or return your calls, I'm trying to protect myself and I wish more than anything you could understand that. Take me back or let me be, just please choose one or the other. I came to the conclusion today that if you liked me any less you would be able to spend time with me, and not be so worried about what you are doing to me, and if you liked me any more you would want to spend time with me so much that you would ignore all those thoughts and accept things for how they are. I'm sorry I didn't try, I just didn't expect it to be like this if I didn't.

• Why do I keep wasting my time with you? I know how things will go, and if I'm not sulking about how you treat me I'm trying to hurt you in return. And if I'm not doing either of those things I am trying to win you over and get you to like me like I see it in my head.

• Do you believe in danger?

• I found out the other night that déjà vu is a "mini-seizure" and isn't anything special at all. I guess growing up is finding out all those magical things you loved your entire life are able to be explained or defeated.

• Everything will always come together in some bizarre way, at least for me. Sometimes after saying yes for so long I think it is fair to celebrate within yourself for just saying no. Sometimes people will say exactly what you want to hear, and I can just be proud of myself for hearing hollow words and seeing them for what they really are. I take everything into consideration, and maybe I just stood up and left because I (for one of the first times) realized it was an option I could choose.

• I am so happy to be friends with you again. We were never not friends, but things were changing, and as much as it bothered me before we fixed our problems I did not anticipate whatsoever how wonderful it would feel to be back to the old us. The relief I felt after we told each other the importance of each other in our lives is nearly indescribable, and I would trade that conversation for nothing. I know how rare and meaningful it is when you cry like that, especially in front of someone else, I just almost wish you knew how signifiant it should be for you with me. No matter what you do or what you say I will always love and appreciate the growing we have done and difficulties we have overcome regarding each other and ourselves.

"WHEN YOU FIND YOU, COME BACK TO ME"

Important

"If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law,
there would be no rule. It would only be you and your memories,
the choices you made, and the people you touched."

-Donnie Darko

Sometimes

Sometimes I play songs because they make me think about us.

Sometimes I won't listen to a song again because you ruined it.

At times the lyrics take over and become what I think about you.

At times the lyrics make me sick and I press skip.

Every once in a while I hope you hear words and my face is the first thing that comes to mind.

Every once in a while I want you to listen to music and wonder if I'm doing fine.

What It's All About

I'm pretty much terrified of everything.

From slip n slides to alcohol aisles.

My Brother

"Fuck, I wanna do something so cool but I don't feel like doing it"

"I fucking hate women"

I'd Like to Thank

I would like to thank the band Sugar Ray for allowing me to run an 8:44min mile yesterday :) among other things.

Blood Pt. 2

I just don't have anything to say. I read these lyrics for the first time tonight though and really enjoyed them.

Blood, Pt. 2

Buck 65 ft. Sufjan Stevens & Serengeti:

"You're not bloody swab paradise
You're golden stars licked to stick
A world with frogs and magic tricks
Floating logs and scissor kicks
And lemonade and sweaty sex
Hug me like I gave you checks
You kiss me like the upper crust
Tell me things to make me blush
Champagne bottle
Bon voyage
A souvenir garage
A melody to make me smile
Not that you've been gone a while
A purple medal eighth place
Backlit in a trophy case
Sign that says "For little Ace"
Supportive like an ankle brace
Not bloody cotton swabs and lies
Stolen checks and empty eyes
You're a county fair in July
Canadian field of wild rye
You kiss me like potted plants
Bite me like fire ants
Touch me like an old stamp
Olive oil and seven lamps
Not stolen cash I'll pay you back
Bloody paradise attack
Your Sunday at the puppy track
Time to take the long way back
Sweet as the apple of Peru
The inklings of the Eastern Sioux
Not bloody cotton swabs and lies
Stolen checks and empty eyes
But rather

You are the blood
Flowing through my fingers
[That's what I meant to say
Blood in my fingertips
I couldn't tell you that it's the other way]
All through the soil and up in those trees
[You are the blood that I may see you
That I see you
You're the blood in me
You're on earth though]

Girl you wake me to the smell of butter
Sunlight shone through wooden shutters
Naked sex and cuffed breast
Early morning back to test
Pouring rain and rubber suit
Cotton socks and rubber boots
I sprint across the parking lot
Cause that day we were unprepared
Dried our socks and on the stairs
Sound of rain is rain in gutters
Lightning seven seconds thunder
A mild snack late evening hunger
DVDs and VCRs
Fish tanks and jelly jars
The storm passes the room ours
The summer times and you move
Safety belt in summer cars
Lightning bugs to die in jars
The air conditioner saving grace
Grass stains and flushed face
Refreshing like a glass of milk
Your shaven legs were like silk
You kiss me like a bon voyage
A secret souvenir collage
Overalls and water parks
T-tops and baby sharks
Dragon rolls and frozen juice
Making out in photo booths
A lovely Saturday night alone
Full of films and baking pies
Not cotton swabs and bloody lies
I'll pay you back in plastic eyes

You are the blood
Flowing through my fingers
All through the soil
Through those trees"

Patrick's Mind:

I have this idea in my mind that you are impervious to retribution.

Always Be

Maybe I'll always be a kid from divorced parents, and maybe it gave me such lunatic thoughts such as this, but I guess I'll never know. The way I've thought about it, for a long while now, is that you are made up of 50 percent your mother and 50 percent your father, and in an average case such as mine the parents are married for some years to raise their child/children. Now once shit hits the fan and the parents become completely intolerant of each other, once these said parents decide that they hate each other too much to try to work things out (again, not every situation, but some situations such as my own) they file for divorce. So skipping a good portion of what goes on after that occurs, the parents create separate lives from each other entirely, and some are too wounded from the experience to even civilly interact with each other. The children in most circumstances (unlike my own) will be subjected to a life-schedule of 50 percent custody with each parent. Some parents get new girlfriends, some get new spouses, while some stay completely romantically alone. Either way for the sake of the point I am trying to make here, let's say the parents (which is likely) despise just about everything about the other parent. And if both parents don't have strong negative feels for each other, maybe odds are that one parent still does. SO with one (at least) parent feeling such anguish and anger towards the other I believe it takes a toll on the child(s), but not in the way that some people think. Going back to the offspring of a couple being made up of half father, half mother, I believe (whether it to actually be TRUE or not) that a child can easily think as well as see that the parent hates that other half of the child itself. If you have such hostility towards the personality that essentially makes up half of a being, I believe it can become visible, whether it is to be intentional or not. That bitterness is not only taken out on the child, but is seemingly BECAUSE of (fifty percent of) who that child is. This is more than a kid sensing a little resentment when one parent talks about the other after a divorce, this is complete animosity that is due to something that the kid can't do anything at all to change within themselves.

My Life

WORDS SPEAK LOUDER THAN ACTIONS

Keep Your Friends Close...

For some reason it felt familiar when I pulled up to the curb on the side of his house. I was walking to his front door when I'm surprised to see him jogging towards me from inside his garage. His shirt is off and he greets me with a hug before leading me inside. I say hi to his mom, and momentarily think of what she thinks seeing me back here again after so much time passed. I sit on his bed, trying not to spend too much time looking at him. His hair is still damp from his shower, and all he is wearing is some small red shorts. We're talking as he tries on different outfits, and shows me all his new shirts. He plays different songs for me and as always some I do not like, and some I do. "I think you'll like this one". He's sitting next to me on the bed when he asked me if I had sex with him, he is trying to keep his tone casual but his facial expression easily says otherwise. I automatically and mistakingly ask who told him that, but quickly fix it by saying no. "Why do you care anyways?" he returns my question with a look, and continues to pressure me. He is making things up until he is mixing up his words, and pauses before using a word I could tell he was trying so hard to avoid. "Because it makes me jealous". I ignore his statements completely, and argue that you can spend time with someone you've slept with and not sleep with them again. He disagrees, and this goes on and on. He gives up briefly before asking questions, prodding about details we both know I would never release. He says he wants to be better, and I tell him what he doesn't want to hear, "We're not going to." He's leaning against his table now, as far away as he can get. He asks me where I plan on moving to, and I respond with a laugh. "So you want to know where I'm going so you can know how realistic it is for us?" he replies with a subtle yes, and I'm taking none of this to heart. He says LA is too far away, and wants to know what it will be like when we are separated. "I missed you so much, you hated me, so it was different; I could always get you to hate me before I leave, I bet that is do-able". I tell him it is more than do-able; it's more than likely. He is sitting on the bed again when I tell him that I was thinking earlier how the only thing he has ever been mad at me for was about a situation with someone else. He looks directly into my eyes "that's because you're perfect". I tell him to shut up, and he tells me that I hate him, and I'm always mad at him. I agreed and tell him how shitty he is. He tells me that I never look bad. He lays over me, and when he looks up he asks if I am over hating him for tonight. I tell him I am, and somehow meant it. He's trying on shirts, he's making fun of how I talk. I'm trying to get comfortable, I'm slightly sucking my stomach in. He asks how long we have been friends, and I figure it out in my head. "All of high school, for four years". He says at least two and a half of those he wanted to kiss me, and can't believe that he hasn't. "You know when I said I wanted to make out with everyone? And I made out with her?" I tell him yeah, and explain how it hurt when I asked him not to do one thing for me, and he did it anyway. "It hurt equally, it hurt because I liked you, and it hurt because you told me that you wouldn't". He was progressively getting upset and grabbing his face. "I chose HER over YOU." "Yeah it sucked". "Biggest mistake of my life". He says there are a lot of things that he wants to always say to me but feels like we can't, I knew what he meant, and I realized and told him I do the same thing. He describes to me all of the times he wanted to kiss me. "Yeah, I think about the fourth of july, and us laying there". He agrees as I ponder whether or not he was single at the time of my memory. He says it's because I never seemed like I wanted anything between us, and I shoot him down. "You didn't pursue anything with me". "I don't pursue anyone". "True". "And I think it's really turned out for the worse". He laughs. He is complaining about how his new black pants smell. "If I had a time machine". I laugh at his seriousness. I think about how everything is going for him in his life, he says how good we would be together. I tell him not to pretend he isn't loving his life how it is, and talking himself into thinking he wants change. He told me to think of all the times that I've made him depressed, insinuating I would make him happier. He says things could be better than how they are. I told him he didn't know that. "Look at how much I have smiled in the... hour you've been here". I agree, before he began about how things would be now, if he could just go back. He says he knows our sex would be really good. He knows we would be a good couple. "What if I went back in time already and this is how things would be?" "What if I already went back in time and saw how bad we were together and then went back in time again and undid that so we were here again?" I laughed. He was a boy. "How did we go all this time?" "I don't know, it's weird, isn't it?" He reminds me about how he spit at the last boy he knew that I had feelings for, and says he wants to kill anyone who wants to have sex with me. He asks if I remember when we talked about how no one would find out about us together. I say I do. "I remember that I was serious and I really just wished you were" "I WAS" "Yeah, past tense, you WERE". "yeah, were." He suggests that it is still true. "I don't think we're going to have sex." "Because you don't want to" "I don't know how to respond to that statement. I don't know whether I would answer yes, or no. But I'll say I've thought about it, recently. Not in a good way, I just did." He can't stop saying how he wished he could go back. "You love this". He's bothered thinking that I like to see him torturing himself. "No, I'm sorry. I feel bad." He is on the other side of his bed, and now asking if it would happen again with him. I say that I would say no and not tell him the truth, but I might as well because I already lied to him tonight. We say we want to tell each other things, but I tell him that he would think less of me if he knew what I have been doing during this time. "Yeah, DOING" "I didn't put the emphases on doing, you did that on purpose" "Yeah, I did". "You don't know what I think of you at all, or what I have thought about you" "No, but I know it would be worse after I told you" "I've never thought badly of you". He said he just wanted to know everything so he wouldn't have to think about it any more, and I tell him once I've told him everything he would still think about it. Everything I'm saying starts to make him mad, and he's letting out air angrily. I repeatedly apologize for nothing in particular. "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself". I wonder if his mom in the other room can hear our conversation. I tell him I have to go to the bathroom, and we end up talking in the doorway until he finally let's me go. He asks if I even like boys, and I scoff. "All I have ever heard you say about a boy is that he's cute, you never go further than that". I tell him I talk to other people about those things, even my brother. He asks who I was referring to until he guesses correctly and I cannot lie this time. He cringes and makes little remarks, I stand my ground, "I could go on for hours about him". I'm only telling the truth to prove a point. He uses the word again. We go around and around until we're finally at some sort of truce, and I tell him I'll let him go to his girlfriend's. He says he wants to see me tomorrow. He asks when we will watch movies, and we begin reminiscing yet again. "I'll walk you to your car". I pretend not to completely appreciate that. We hug for a long time in the street, and I end up giving him a pack of my gum. He is looking inside my car casually. "I really like that sweatshirt". "Thanks". And I left.

1. "Thanks for hanging out with me"

2. "Me too you make me smile so much! I would love to hang out tomorrow at some point"

3. "I know it's the best. Sorry I was dwelling on the past. I just wish I would have done things differently"

I'll Always Dislike

a good ol' self portrait

I took this last night and messed with it tonight. This is about all I've done lately.

Explanation

So I just realized that every single thing I am proud of currently or was proud of in the past I am equally ashamed of. It's not a bad thing, it's not even a negative thing. I'm starting to think this is pretty common.

Imagination

"Even in a church, even laid up on an altar, without her clothes, Paige Marshall, Dr. Paige Marshall, I didn't want her to become just another piece of ass. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because nothing is as exciting as your fantasy."

"Doing up the buttons of my britches, I told her, "Maybe the truth is I really want to like you instead.""

"You know the old phrase 'Those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it?' Well, I think those who remember their past are even worse off.'"

""Paige says, "Those who remember the past tend to get the story really screwed up.""

""In my opinion, those who remember the past are paralyzed by it.""

""I don't need help," he says, "but you can help me if you want."

Never mind. What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to someone. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction. See also: Paige Marshall."

Here I am spending all my time, and when I say all my time, I mean all my time, depending on the thought that maybe this is too good or too important to work out, and that we are both supposed to know this deep down. I no longer wait for you, I know that what is in our heads for what the future could be is exponentially better than anything you and I could create here on earth. It hurt to see you go, or would have, but you never really left because you were never really here. I can't miss you. Not because I don't want to, but because it would be virtually impossible. I saw you today, as much as it stung, I knew that the magic would be gone after I approached you, so I let the fantasy live on. I let you be. I left our lives separate, like always. I know you don't have the proper time to invest, the right emotions to share nor the strong body to use. So I live my makeshift life, and let you be content. I know secretly that I would always give it more than a shot, but it counts for absolutely nothing and I know that now. Whether it is good or bad that these situations continue to arise, I don't know. I no longer believe in 'flukes'; something is going on here.

The Most Important Thing

The most important thing my father ever taught me is that in a sentence when you want to include someone else, (for example: mine and my brother's hopes were high, or my brother and I went to the park) simply take out the other person and see if the sentence is grammatically correct. So, that is why it is: my brother and I went to the park, because if you took out 'my brother' it would be: I went to the park. Which is why "me and my brother went to the park" is the same as "me went to the park". Which is obviously incorrect.

If (Attempt)

If you're not MEANt to bMe.

Steady Synonyms

abiding, brick-wall, certain, changeless, constant, durable, enduring, equable, 

even, firm, immovable, never-failing, patterned, regular, reliable, safe, set, set in stone, solid, solid as a rock, stabile, steadfast, steady-going, substantial, sure, unchangeable, unchanging,

unfaltering, unfluctuating, uniform, unqualified, unquestioning, unshaken, unvarying,

unwavering, ceaseless, confirmed, consistent, constant,continuous, equable, eternal, even, faithful,

habitual, incessant, never-ending, nonstop, persistent, regular, rhythmic, stabile, stable, steady-going, unbroken, unfaltering, unfluctuating, uniform, uninterrupted, unremitting, unvarying, unwavering

Yeah

I beat my mile time last night. 9:03. yeah, that's all.

Get-away

I'm scared of growing up, but because as a kid you can get away with so much.

More and More

More and more with every new day 
I'm starting to see the importance of 
taking full advantage of the things or
people you have, while you still have 
them the way that you do. 
Nothing lasts forever, 
and for some reason I always end up 
forgetting that.

The Worst Part

The worst part is that even the most memorial mistakes that I regret making, if I had the opportunity I would make them all again.

One of My Favorite Minds of All Time

"I'D RATHER PROVOKE THOUGHT THAN SHOW OFF"

Richard Tefry

a.k.a.

BUCK 65

Anyone Else

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE

("Ha why is that? Ha for some reason I feel like it would be really weird with anyone else idk")

//and then we turned into lyrics

"So make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving,

And pluck all your silly strings, bend all your notes for me.

Soft silly music is meaningful magical,

The movements were beautiful, all in your ovaries.

All of them milking with green fleshy flowers,

While powerful pistons were sugary sweet machines.

Smelling of semen all under the garden

Was all you were needing when you still believed in me."

"And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder

And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor

As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

And this is the room 

One afternoon I knew I could love you

And from above you how I sank into your soul

Into that secret place where no one dares to go"

//or so I liked to think

scared

that

we

turned

into 

nothing

Sibling

Every event is a lesson to use later

"I'm not like selling weed"

"You're just delivering weed?"

"Yeah"

"I'm just selling to my friends"

Agony

"I hold today with a death grip
And play hard to get with tomorrow so as not to look so fucking desperate
Face sweaty
Hands unsteady
Blood pressure off the charts
My heart hangs heavy
Untreated wounds though repeated moods are seeds who develop in your needy womb
Your feeble ill cocoon
I don't grieve for many people
And I don't mourn the pieces killed in you
My injection must have been lethal
Pick up the shovel love; you've got some digging to do 

Agony agony agony agony"

I Think the Problem is:

I don't believe I have a skill, quality, or trait that someone else couldn't easily obtain within the week.

ListFUL Mood

What I Live for Would Be:

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, when people call/text me right after we just spent time together, watching the sunrise, being under a big blanket, my favorite movies, my MUSIC, spending hours on the phone, letters, holding hands, driving (living) in socks, genuine smiles when they're unexpected, when people subtly do little things they know that I like, pineapple on pizza or sandwiches, modesty, when someone says they miss me when I saw them recently, really cold water, falling asleep with someone, when people use the word "perfect" and mean it, the hottest showers possible, the feeling of complete relief, avocado,  the phrase "of course", being home completely alone for long periods of time, when someone asks me what a word I used means, long hugs, when things remind people of me, hand massages, seeing best friends who adore each other, facial scars, getting things for free, duets, perfect weather, quotes, people who have my phone number memorized, waking up to someone, alphabetical and chronological order, real friendship, when people ask me questions, lyrics, purple and green together, knowing secrets, making someone food, plays-on-words, old pictures, fresh air, compound words, large amounts of snow, when someone is walking away but looks back again, driving under an overpass in the pouring rain,

What Kills Me:

listening to people eat bananas, the smell (and feel) of sunscreen, when people talk about how much they like sex, when I know someone isn't thinking about me, things scraping metal (teeth on metal spoons), feeling a lack of privacy, regretting eating something, arrogance, puking/puke, waiting for something that never happens, school, watching or thinking about someone I love crying, feeling under appreciated, knowing a friendship faded or is fading, hearing someone barfing, when people describe things as 'awkward', long/dirty finger nails, when time goes by quickly, hair, luke warm shower water, waking up sweaty, dogs, watching movies with light(s) on, hearing gagging, feelings scared in water, the words "nipple" and "horny", MATHEMATICS, tongue piercings, when people drink something with food in their mouth, feeling overwhelmed, guns, going to social events alone, when someone is mean to me without a reason, television, hand/finger prints on glass, toilets with weak water pressure, being ignored, whispers, waking up tired, important things being erased or broken, my hands being dirty, someone knowing i strongly dislike something and they do it anyway,

Not Just Once

a best friend is no matter what

a best friend is a phone call at any time for any reason

a best friend is understanding, and accepting

a best friend is not forgetting 

a best friend is saying what you weren't planning on hearing

Here

My honest admission is that I would rather lose a friend for feeling sorry for myself, than keep a friend for feeling sorry for myself. No matter what.

Night

The lighting is absolutely beautiful.

Never forget that there is good in every situation. 

I am learning so much every minute and I hope I never neglect that truth when I am having a hard time.

The people in my life are here for a reason, and I know that simply by how good they make me feel.

Things are okay.

How I Am

"i feel like i have to be on my toes around you all the time and if i'm not then you just think that i don't wanna be your friend or do anything with you and that's not true and it makes me upset that you just assume things like that."

That's What He Said

he told me this would be painful. 

he said this would effect me, and not go away.

he whispered that he wouldn't be there for me.

he replied it would be a mistake being with him.

he relayed, he wouldn't even try.

he stated that it meant something, but not all that much.

he suggested just forgetting about him.

he muttered that he had no intention to change.

he claimed he was just like the rest of them.

he explained that we were basically going nowhere.

I THOUGHT THAT I WAS LISTENING.

but let it be known, he was good to me, in his own way.

Relateble Radio

"And it seems that you got over me
I can hardly breathe
You no longer need me
I'm just sorry I found out late but all the choices I made I thought of me
And not how it'd be to watch you walk away
I know I'll never make it right but everyday I try
In hopes you might come back you're where my heart's at"

-Kristine Mirelle: Let Go

Some That Apply

quotes from books:

"When the problem looks too big, when we're shown too much reality. We tend to shut down. We become resigned. We fail to take action because disaster seems so inevitable. We're trapped. This is narcotization."

"This is about Helen Hoover Boyle. Her haunting me. The way a song stays in your head. The way you think life should be. The way everything holds your attention. How your past goes with you into everyday of your future. That is. This is. It's all of it, Helen Hoover Boyle."

"There is no such thing as ready. Just willing."

"Our lives are defined by opportunities, even those ones we miss."

Malice Aforethought

maybe they don't know what they're doing to me. am i thinking this is all accidental to make myself feel better, or feel sane? all i do know, is that i expected so much more, which frankly, was very little.

Sometime

Sometime you will come to realize that you would love and appreciate a person more than anyone else ever could or will, and it is their fault you will never get the chance.

Home, Sick

We are standing in the large room and he is standing to my right sorting through the contents of his backpack; mostly clothes and things he's picked up here and there. As I'm emptying the fillings of my hands and pockets onto a small maple coffee table, he lifts up a shirt with a picture of a cat on it that he told me about earlier that day. I laugh a little, seeing how proud he is at his findings in thrift stores and about town, and tell him that I like it. He pulls off the his v-neck and slips on a dark green Sage Francis shirt that I've always loved, and I wonder how much thought he really put into that action. I pause a moment and concentrate on the decision to turn the volume of my phone off. It was on vibrate at the time which was dicey, considering everyone else in the house was asleep, and fully unaware of our presence. What if someone tried to call? I knew we were going to end up laying in bed watching the TV he had already turned on, and thought that if my mom or friend (I had plans with) called I wouldn't pick it up or even want to get up to see who was calling in the first place. I turn the volume completely off, and follow him to the massive bed covered in quilts and pillows. I ask him about the bed and the room, which he revealed is his, but showed no such indications. He laid down to the left, and explained how the bed is so large because it is really two beds put together. As we lay together I think back to all of our past conversations, and realize warmly that he would be doing this same exact thing as we talked, but now I am here to be a part of it. We watch a few shows, one show was about giants, and we converse about what it would be like. As the night grew later his arm was situated around me, and he began gently drawing and running his fingers and hands along my arms. Our conversation went in and out casually and we reposition so my head was resting on his shoulder, and left arm wrapped around his upper waist. His left arm was around the back of my neck and the other was occupied rubbing my arm, or the sides of waist where my shirt had come up. Laying there reminded me of the time we cuddled and held hands on all the mattresses in the downtown furniture store, but I never told him that. I was perfectly warm and comfortable, and stroked his arm lightly as we talked sleepily. His sickness and cough seemingly disappeared as the TV flashes bright colors on the large white walls of the bedroom. His hand played with my hair affectionately, occasionally disheveling the front so I would have to move it out of my eyes to see. At one point I became aware of the time, and how cozy I really was. I came to the conclusion I was fine to fall asleep where I was positioned, and became almost care-free there with him. His hand was now tracing the edge of my pants on my stomach softly, and moving up under the side of my shirt. From time to time he would stop whatever roaming his hands were doing to squeeze or pinch me quickly to receive a look or a complaint, and waited until I least expected it to pinch again. I remember thinking how comfortable he was with me, and how it seemed almost like we had spent so much time together to get to where we were then. He began running his hands along the inside of my legs as I rested my hand on the warmth of his abdominal muscles.